to think my elderly dad needs to eat less?

[LouuLou]

I know this sounds harsh. 72 year old DF has already had a heart bypass and is now very immobile. He’s steadily getting bigger and bigger, and it’s reached the point where it’s affecting his care.

We can’t even weigh him anymore because we can’t get him onto scales. The carers are struggling to move him, bathe him and change him. When he fell recently, even two paramedics had difficulty getting him up and into a w
wheelchair.

I do understand that food is one of the few comforts he has left. I’m not blind to that, and I’m not trying to take away the only thing he enjoys. But at the same time, this is starting to feel unsafe and unsustainable for everyone involved, including him.

My brother does the online food shop and just buys whatever DF asks for, including things like fried chicken. I’ve tried to say maybe we should rein that in a bit, but he thinks DF should just have what he wants. The carers also tend to give him whatever he asks for.

So I feel like I’m the only one thinking long-term about his health and practical care and I end up sounding like the bad one.

AIBU to think we need to put some limits in place, even if he won’t like it?

The big difference is that her dementia meant that she didn't have capacity.

It wasn't when the pp replied though. You can see via the edit and times.

When does "he's an adult with capacity so brother buys what he (Dad) wants no matter if it is fried chicken, cake etc" tip over into "Enabler" then onto "Feeder" .

My Dad was my mums carer , he cooked decent plain meals , he wasn't a fan of creamy ,rich or spicy foods , rarely fried . Mum was more than happy to let him cook ( even before she became immobile she CBA cooking )

She'd have toast , banana , boiled egg for breakfast
But then the cups of tea , she'd want a biscuit or cake .
When I visited , I did dinner at 5pm , tried to not let her fill up with snacks . She'd go off to the loo for ages while I dished up , then picked at her dinner , probably gone cold and probably full of biscuits ( the derailing dinnertime was deliberate , I gave them a good 20 minutes heads up)

I did tell my Dad not to go in with cake , she wouldn't eat dinner but plenty of appetite for ice-cream! He didn't have a sweet tooth .
"Would you have let us do that when we were kids"? I asked him. "No of course not"
This was like dealing with a child ( this was before her dementia , she knew her choices were bad but didn't seem to bother )

When she went into a Care Home they had choice of meals but no endless snacking . She enjoyed her food and improved .

If the OPs Dad was in hospital he'd be given a menu choice but not his choice .

A PP mentioned WLI, @Aluna

@Aluna 😂 it’s a GP not God himself. Advice goes in one ear out the other and leaves no trace.

You have to document all advice given because patients will swear they’ve never been told before.

If you had checked the edit you would have seen that when pp asked the question there was no mention of age.

Hilarious that that first few posts ask his age when it’s literally in the first line of the OP.

OP you can only gently guide. If he’s deemed to have capacity to make decisions about his health and diet then he can do what he likes. I know that’s hard.

I think sadly sometimes the person who is the Carer will adopt the Anything For A Quiet Life approach .
I know it was the case for my parents .

But the OPs Dad is tipping the scales at Obesity and one thing for sure , it won't improve on this trajectory,
He'll get bigger .

unfortunately that’s just how it is. Loads of people make bad decisions and those around them have to struggle. I know that doesn’t make it OK.

Lots of people are overweight. You can’t ban them from eating their favourite foods.

you could try to explain the natural consequences to him? If the paramedics can’t get you to hospital then you may not get the help you need; if the carers can’t move you then you may not get your pad changed properly….

there are bariatric ambulances that could be used.

Op mentions in one of her comments that many of the carers dont read or write English so I cant imaging that is helping the situation. It must make it very frustrating for OP to have to try and deal with.

Ah just seen this. Fair enough but still made me laugh!

Fair enough

But if he has capacity the carer and family have no right to interfere with his food if he hasn’t given consent.

you can ask - would you like the fat free version etc.

otherwise it’s covert restrictions

I was going to pick up on this point.

A reputable agency would mostly likely use a care app with all the notes, care plans etc accessible via the app, and visit notes would be typed into the app. Or it's all done in a folder. Either way, it all has to be read through and notes taken. I can't imagine that staff who can't read or write English to a reasonable level would be employed. The agency would be liable if it turned out the carer couldn't understand hoist instructions and a client was injured, or if they couldn't differentiate between medications, or know when they needed to be taken and at what dosage.

That is scary.

I’m sorry but that’s not correct. People don’t automatically lose capacity with a dementia diagnosis. In the early days they just have “mild cognitive impairment”.

Even when her appetite was affected and she might forget she had eaten recently, she still had capacity to make some decisions.

In a care home the food is provided so the care staff could ensure she was given moderate portions.

Agree. This is very poor care.

Yes, there would come a point where the care plan needed to be changed drastically; perhaps specialist hoists for lifting that carers are trained to use.

For him personally, it must be getting increasingly uncomfortable as more weight is gained.

I hope your DF listens to you @LouuLou

Hi, I am just coming on here to add this is exactly what us happening to my mother age 73. now an immobile with a spinal injury, but probably could have been mobile if she hadn’t given up and eaten so much.

basically morbidly obese eating herself to death. My dad is her carer and she refuses to eat so many things, he is exhausted & has given in. She used to have a fruit yoghurt for dessert and now she wants a tiramisu, or a Marks & Spencer‘s microwave sponge pudding. She now wants a sandwich & a bag of crisps at lunchtime instead of a salad. She eats a lot, it’s all sugary grease or processed.

There’s not a lot we can do. She’s about 5 foot tall and about 16 to 18 stone. she now has to have a hoist and one of those things that you attached to the beams in the house, if she wasn’t so big, my dad would probably be able to manage without the carers.

We’ve tried so many solutions. She wouldn't speak to a psychologist.

i just want to let you know you aren’t the only one.

If he carries on eating fatty foods post bypass it will really impact his life expectancy.

Yes it is through an agency. I have spoken to them and left notes but the carers change very frequently as it is such a low paid job.

That is so sad to read , and the blunt fact is , if your Mum turns round in a week/a month/a year and says "why did you let this happen?" , you cannot say "Well you wanted the trifle every day , I didn't want you to"
There's no merit in blame after the effect (which is why I tried to get my Dad onside , he was the one having to manage my Mum ) but not blaming him or her , mainly trying to reason and persuade ,
But yes going next door and hitting my head off the wall !

My Mum lost a fair bit of weight when she went into a CareHome , probably some due to stress , but they got her more mobile and eating better .

I guess for many people food is their one comfort .

Yes there is a file with instructions. Some of them cannot read. They usually just ask him what he wants and give him that. The healthier food I bought remains in the fridge often going mouldy.

I wouldn't dictate what my 25 year old child and 45 year old sister ate because presumable they wouldn't be immobile, dependent on others and causing difficulties for paramedics and care staff.

The medicines come prepacked and they pass the package to DF. He gets them out so no danger with meds.

Do you have another agency in the area?

We have a couple in our area, not cheap but very well recommended and I know a couple of the carers that have been with the agency for years.

They may charge your dad more per hour, but if the carers are paid more they will likely be around for longer.