Racism from a customer at work, am I over reacting? (TW - Racist language)

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I work in hospitality. There is a man who comes in regularly on his own, I think he is a widower and is in his 80's I would say, I think his age is relevant. There were some carers in with their service users from a local place and about half of them were black. He said to me, in a very quiet voice "Soon there will be more w*gs in here than white people" I apologise for the language, these are his words not mine.

Being at work I was limited to what I could say so I said "I love how our area is so multicultural now, it makes life so much better" he humphed a bit an left. I was massively insulted that he clearly thought I would agree with him.

I spoke to my colleague and said I was not going to deal with him anymore and that if he wanted serving again or in future I wasnt going to be doing it. I have the right to say that and I am comfortable with that decision.

However it has really upset me, I felt very emotional and when I got home just now, I burst into tears. Is that an over reaction? I am in my 50's, I am not naive to the fact that racism is still in the world and that some elderly people still think like this (not all, my own parents don't, but some).

I wonder if its because I have a mixed race DD, she is half Jamaican by heritage, and that's why I am taking it so personally but ignorant arseholes like that have never upset me in this way before. That said, normally I can put people in their place pretty quickly but with it being at work I couldnt really do that so maybe its the fact that I couldnt do much that has upset me.

Oh no, what a horrible horrible man at least you know where you are with him. My mums husband and his "cronies" are extremely racist they preface what they say with "you can't say anything anymore^ I have very little contact with him, I don't understand it at all.

Brilliant response

You’re right. I forgot that MNHQ turns a blind eye, silly me!

you had a good answer for him
as regards whether you serve him again, that is your call.
it was an awful thing to say,
perhaps you could quietly put him right if he speaks like that again?

What’s the question?

I think in a lot of cases, what a lot of posters are trying to do is provide some comfort to the OP. Many of us do not respond/ react how we would wish all the time because we are completely caught off guard by sth that is unexpected and hideous. Certainly my response to my friend and to OP was in this spirit - that we can’t always have a perfect reaction/ response ready and to g easy on themselves for that. I don’t think it’s appeasing to put the blame for not being a perfect upstander where it belongs - with the person being racist/ sexist/ homophobic.
I’m someone who took a long time to learn I don’t have to meet every battle head on and toe to toe but even I’ve recently counselled a couple of people upset/ exhausted by the fight to choose their battles because at the moment it feels never ending. This isnt turning a blind eye and this isn’t don’t ever say anything back. But it is about protecting your energy.

YANBU. That's disgusting!

Oh ffffffffffffffffs!!

Grim isn’t it, as are they!

look at the words used in the sitcom love thy neighbour, yes times have moved on but many people are encoded with the words and language from older times

Oh come on, they should absolutely know by now that they are unacceptable!

that i agree with, in my haphzard way i was trying to explain it was not that long ago we had shows like love thy neighbour influcing peoples language

‘We do not tolerate racism’ over and over and over.

I work in a sector where I have to deal with some very frustrated and vulnerable, also often angry people. The amount of times I've had to deal with comments about 'them' coming over and getting houses, or 'them' in doctors or hospitals before 'us' is very wearing.

I just respond by telling them we are talking about their situation no-one else's amd can we refocus please.
Then I scream when they're gone!

And yet it is not acceptable. Words that were ‘acceptable’ when I was growing up are no longer considered acceptable and are slurs. I will not give examples because I am not ok with using those words. Age and times changing isn’t an excuse.

Yet I love and use the word cunt quite freely.

i agree with what your saying but its how to change the mindset of others, thats the pickle of it

But your Mum would have been 50 40 years ago. So far too old at that age to be influenced. People born in the 1930s and 40s would possibly have grown up and around the signs in the 1950s that said eg No Blacks, No Irish. That culture on young people must go deep. Of course OP shouldn't be forced to agree with the man's views, but I would ask them gently to be aware of what happens as people age. I dont just mean dementia. They start to struggle with change and regress back in time. I've once had to be very firm with my dad, who did have dementia, about offensive language. Never heard it before and he was 88 when he died. And then again once with my mum, who does not have dementia and her comment was unacceptable. She was scared and I knew that was the driver.

OP, did this actually happen? I ask not because I doubt racists exist but because I recognise your name from starting multiple 'AIBU to think this racist thing is racist?' threads over the years where you've found yourself in so many situations like this.

Why the need to mention she was a Scot?

Remember, you have a genuine reason for feeling bad about the elderly man's prejudiced attitude. I 100% agree with you here.

His bad attitude is due to ignorance and if he was born in the early to mid 1940s, society, in those days was not how it is today. Racism was like a disease of the mind so his own upbringing could ( I have to remain vague) have had an impact and he turned towards prejudice, instead of against it.

All blood is red, all life is precious.

By not accepting it imo.

Ah I see x

They didn't go straight from 1970 to 2026, they have lived in society during the decades in between. It is no excuse. I am 70+ myself and was not brought up thinking racist language was acceptable.

Well done for saying something back to him.

The cunts are emboldened at the moment.

It needs calling out. Every single time.

My parents are 79. They would consider such language to be offensive and would never use it. They actually mentioned recently how much more ethnically and racially diverse their local church had become, and what a positive it is. Being 80 doesn't explain or excuse being racist.