Racism from a customer at work, am I over reacting? (TW - Racist language)

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I work in hospitality. There is a man who comes in regularly on his own, I think he is a widower and is in his 80's I would say, I think his age is relevant. There were some carers in with their service users from a local place and about half of them were black. He said to me, in a very quiet voice "Soon there will be more w*gs in here than white people" I apologise for the language, these are his words not mine.

Being at work I was limited to what I could say so I said "I love how our area is so multicultural now, it makes life so much better" he humphed a bit an left. I was massively insulted that he clearly thought I would agree with him.

I spoke to my colleague and said I was not going to deal with him anymore and that if he wanted serving again or in future I wasnt going to be doing it. I have the right to say that and I am comfortable with that decision.

However it has really upset me, I felt very emotional and when I got home just now, I burst into tears. Is that an over reaction? I am in my 50's, I am not naive to the fact that racism is still in the world and that some elderly people still think like this (not all, my own parents don't, but some).

I wonder if its because I have a mixed race DD, she is half Jamaican by heritage, and that's why I am taking it so personally but ignorant arseholes like that have never upset me in this way before. That said, normally I can put people in their place pretty quickly but with it being at work I couldnt really do that so maybe its the fact that I couldnt do much that has upset me.

As I said, my friend’s dad is 80 and physically fit and well. He toddles down to his village shop and bakery daily. Lord knows what he says when he’s there, but the staff in both are aware of his diagnosis and are always very kind to him.

Tourette’s basically pulls the most outrageous thing out of your brain.

OP I’m not surprised you’re upset but it is one of those things that will dissipate over a few days.

racists are everywhere in the uk, it’s a pandemic of them

It sounds like bursting into tears is unusual for you for something that is in the scheme of racist stuff you must have come across in 50 years, relatively mild. So I think it might be worth exploring why you were so effected today. It may be because of the way racism seems to be becoming more visible again (I'm not sure if this is real or just that media are pushing that narrative, but either could affect the way you feel about the world and, in particular, the impact on your DGD) but it's quite possibly unrelated to this actual incident, other stress in your life might just have you more on edge and identifying that may help you generally.

With this incident - did you report it to managers at work? From October this year employers will be legally liable for racist harassment by customers unless they can show they took all reasonable steps to prevent it (Employment Rights Act 2025). Your workplace may already have a policy in place, but if not, reporting this incident and suggesting they create a policy so they are protecting their employees, and ready for the new law, might help in future situations and give you more standing to refuse to serve him.

Thanks for all the comments.

I didnt get the impression that he has any form of dementia, he has been a regular for the whole time I have been there and he hasnt really changed in any way that I have spotted. Although I will concede that sometimes these things are invisible.

The issue is more my surprise at my reaction. I am not particularly stressed (no more than normal!) and nothing else is going on. Perhaps it the double whammy of having a mixed race daughter who is mid teens and just starting to realise that not everyone is as open and welcoming as her friends and school mates, and the fact that I couldnt call him out on what he said.

Oh I came across this in the supermarket at Easter. An older man approached me and said in a conspiratorial whisper “have you noticed that Easter eggs are no longer referred to as Easter eggs. We mustn’t offend our Asian friends must we by mentioning the word Easter?” I pointed out that some of the eggs had Easter egg written on the box plus we were in an aisle that had a huge sign saying “Easter” on it. Honestly, it’s tedious.

When you've been suppressing strong feelings for a long time, they do sometimes pop out when you don't expect them.

Obviously I cannot know, but I suspect you've got a lot of worry about your daughter growing up in this (intolerant and racist) world, maybe you've felt judgement for being in a "mixed race" (I hate that phrase, we're all human race?!) Relationship.

What he said was horrible, but your reaction tells you that there's things going on in how you feel that merit closer attention and care...

I can understand why this has upset you but I don't think age is especially relevant. My late grandparents were born in 1907 and 1911 and they were not racist at all. One of their children, my late uncle, had a best mate who was from the Caribbean and my uncle bought me a black doll when I was a small child. This bloke is just an ignorant pratt and I think your reply was perfect.

This is the frustration of your “powerlessness” coming out.

How would you feel if your company had a policy of allowing you to respond to racist comments (even if they are not directly related to you) - because they are offensive. How would it feel if they had a phrase that is acceptable to use and then a process if this was ignored. Something generic that is always on the tip of your tongue - that’s going to de escalate the situation? Maybe something like:

Your language / words are deeply offensive and are not acceptable on our premises. If they are repeated you will be asked to leave.

Or a process where a colleague / supervisor does the above as understandably you would be in shock.

I don’t think we should ignore this insidious stuff and I think for you if you has this support structure you might feel that you were doing what you can to prevent your DD being abused directly another time. I don’t know why being a customer is carte blanche to be abusive - with words or actions. We have finally stopped the physical sexual assault of staff - it’s time to stop the verbal abuse also. Workplaces can’t be complicit in this and turn a blind eye to abuse / offense for profit.

Maybe speak to your company and ask their policy on how to handle. I don’t think this old guy shit is a get out of jail card - most? Lots of people his age behave themselves.

Dad is 85 and would be equally appalled OP. He may have some form of cognitive decline but you can still (politely) call him out. I regularly used to say to my late MIL that it wasn’t acceptable to refer to the “colored” people. She wasn’t racist but she got confused with acceptable terminology. Explaining “people of colour” was better didn’t land. Your chap sounds awful.

"People of colour" is considered just as racist as "coloured people" by many BAME people (although BAME can also be problematic).

My neighbour has FTD and for most of the time it actually appears that his mind is working better than his body. You can literally be talking to him for 10 minutes (usually very loudly as his hearing has also gone) until he says something that's either gibberish or offensive.

To all the apologists. ..he was aware he was being racist as he used an extra quiet voice. People with dementia wouldn't moderate their tone.

I had this in hospital...every wonderful nationality as carers and brilliant...one cleaner a Scot ..after being an inpatient for a while she whispered racism to me and I couldn't believe she would think I'd be complicit and told her so. It's pecking order, insecure need for superiority of course but still DEEPLY unpleasant and literally leads to mass murder via wars etc...so is a very upsetting ugly thing to experience OP 💐💐💐

I also have a mixed race daughter (I'm white) and could cheerfully stab anyone that uses racist language/ tells me they support Tommy Robinson. Age is NOT an excuse.

OP - did this man whisper his comments to you in a way that suggested he knew he was being racist and didn't want anyone else but you to hear?

Racism is racism. Disability or no disability.

You are not over reacting @PyongyangKipperbang . I think people who used to keep their racism to themselves have become emboldened to brag about it in recent years (since Brexit basically).

It wasnt whispered exactly, but definitely sotto voce, which indicated to me that he knew full well that what he was saying was offensive and wouldnt be received well if the black people had heard him.

And as for him assuming I would agree because I am white.....words fail me. Well they dont but they start with cunt and go on from there.

Massive overreaction. He was unpleasant you gave a a good answer. Move on

I would refuse to serve him and likely would have commented more strongly. I don’t think people should have to put up with racism at work.

We had a patient who stated he did not want to see a "dirty Muslim Arab" about one of our GPs. I asked the partners that he be removed immediately from our list.
" Oh give his another chance". "It's ok, he's Indian so it's not racism", "just give him a warning, he might complain of us being racist".

Eventually they felt the risk of a whistleblowing claim from a witness would allow them to remove him.

He is a racist , stop the excuses ffs
The fact that he spoke quietly to the OP indicates that he knew what he was saying was inappropriate
Vile man

So many racist apologists on this thread. I despair.

Tourette’s?

It’s MN. It’s to be expected!

And yet he had sufficient control to lower his voice when saying this to OP.

Odd that….

Where we live has a high level of eastern Europeans and the racism is constant from the older generation if we banned everyone who said something it would be about 20% of the customers everyday. I just ignore them redirect the conversation and am grateful as the years go by less and less people have these views. Because I've never heard younger people say things like this its always 60plus so I live in hope the future will be quite different

A friend of mine (white British) called me having been in a similar situation a few months ago. She’s very stoic, very straightforward and excellent with people.
She had a very similar exchange with an employee of a client of hers who was casually racist and she contacted me after because she was really upset. Mainly she was upset with herself because she was so taken aback and didn’t call him out. She didn’t agree with him either but her emotions were largely due to hw compromised and ashamed she felt. I’m wondering if that’s in part the source of your feelings. Particularly when one considers the state of public discourse around race in the UK right now.
i can generally have an argument in an empty room and am not shy of telling people if I think their stance is problematic but …the work/ customer thing complicates these things. It did for her and it did for you. Also, there is the consideration that - at 80+ - in terms of winning him over, he’s a lost cause. Your energy is better spent on younger people because you cannot take on every vile idiot - unfortunately.
Take away from this that you didn’t support or encourage his POV, and you DID dissent by saying how much you liked your multicultural location. He knew you were disagreeing. Maybe he had dementia, maybe he was a common or garden AH. Either way, you put him straight with grace. Hold your head up. X