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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Racism from a customer at work, am I over reacting? (TW - Racist language)

82 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/04/2026 17:20

I work in hospitality. There is a man who comes in regularly on his own, I think he is a widower and is in his 80's I would say, I think his age is relevant. There were some carers in with their service users from a local place and about half of them were black. He said to me, in a very quiet voice "Soon there will be more w*gs in here than white people" I apologise for the language, these are his words not mine.

Being at work I was limited to what I could say so I said "I love how our area is so multicultural now, it makes life so much better" he humphed a bit an left. I was massively insulted that he clearly thought I would agree with him.

I spoke to my colleague and said I was not going to deal with him anymore and that if he wanted serving again or in future I wasnt going to be doing it. I have the right to say that and I am comfortable with that decision.

However it has really upset me, I felt very emotional and when I got home just now, I burst into tears. Is that an over reaction? I am in my 50's, I am not naive to the fact that racism is still in the world and that some elderly people still think like this (not all, my own parents don't, but some).

I wonder if its because I have a mixed race DD, she is half Jamaican by heritage, and that's why I am taking it so personally but ignorant arseholes like that have never upset me in this way before. That said, normally I can put people in their place pretty quickly but with it being at work I couldnt really do that so maybe its the fact that I couldnt do much that has upset me.

OP posts:
Itsanewlife · 23/04/2026 17:26

It is not an overreaction, OP. It speaks to your humanity and sense of outrage! Sorry this happened to you, sorry this happens at all, and sorry there are politicians out there weaponizing bigotry for political gain.

TemperanceWest · 23/04/2026 17:32

I am sorry this happened to you, I would have been really upset too. It is horrible how some racists assume all white people think as they do (am assuming you are white. Apologies if I have this wrong).

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 23/04/2026 17:34

I don't have a mixed race DD and it would upset me - is it forced teaming? It's the implication of you're white so you'll agree with me.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/04/2026 17:37

Yeah I am white British.

Thank you for your comments, I am just shocked at the level of my reaction. The more I think about it, the more I think it may be borne of feeling impotent because I couldnt call him out on it like I would in a social situation.

OP posts:
Iocanepowder · 23/04/2026 17:50

I would personally judge him but I wouldn’t refuse to serve him again. But that’s maybe because i’ve worked in some industries where you can’t refuse to help a customer. I’ve definitely had situations where i’ve had to bite my tongue.

ExtraOnions · 23/04/2026 17:54

Serve him? He should be barred.

My Mum is 90, and wouldn’t use langague like that .. it was offensive 40 years ago, and it’s offensive now

Dweetfidilove · 23/04/2026 17:59

I don't think YABU at all. I find sometimes the tears are just releasing pent up feelings from not being able to handle a situation exactly as you wanted to.

I'm sorry you had to encounter the little shit.

PolkaDotPorridge · 23/04/2026 18:01

He is a racist POS and he should be banned. The vote on this is very disappointing. They walk amongst us.

SwanRivers · 23/04/2026 18:04

Iocanepowder · 23/04/2026 17:50

I would personally judge him but I wouldn’t refuse to serve him again. But that’s maybe because i’ve worked in some industries where you can’t refuse to help a customer. I’ve definitely had situations where i’ve had to bite my tongue.

Yes but the OP can...so 🤷‍♂️

MabelRoyds · 23/04/2026 18:11

He may very likely have a disability like dementia. Not all disabilities are visible.

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 23/04/2026 18:13

I don't think you're over reacting op especially as you have a mixed race daughter.
I remember many years ago when I worked in Sainsbury's while a student and an older woman I worked with (and really liked up until that point) called a customer the N word, not to their face. The customer was an older woman and just doing her shopping.

Ive never forgotten the impact it had on me, it shattered any regard Id had for my colleague at that point. Unfortunately I was young and she was my supervisor so I didn't say anything, I definitely would now.

DogtoothViolentLady · 23/04/2026 18:17

MabelRoyds · 23/04/2026 18:11

He may very likely have a disability like dementia. Not all disabilities are visible.

He may very likely just be racist.

AuntChippy · 23/04/2026 18:23

Horrible thing to say, obviously. I don’t think I’d have cried over it, but I can see you’re particularly sensitive having a mixed-race child.

It did remind me of my friend’s dad. He’d say something like this, and worse. The thing is, he has a form of dementia called Pick’s disease. It’s caused profound disinhibition which in his case has resulted in him saying hugely inappropriate things he’d never have said in a million years before he contracted it. He’s 80, he appears hale and hearty so explaining away his racist, sexist, just plain rude comments is mortifying.

phoenixrosehere · 23/04/2026 18:23

DogtoothViolentLady · 23/04/2026 18:17

He may very likely just be racist.

This. Honestly, the excuses made and I’m not surprised by the vote whatsoever.

Considering what he said, I highly doubt he had a disability especially with his reaction to OP’s reply back.

MayaLui · 23/04/2026 18:25

MabelRoyds · 23/04/2026 18:11

He may very likely have a disability like dementia. Not all disabilities are visible.

That doesn't mean anyone working with him should be subjected to racist remarks.

I used to work in an environment where we looked after older people whose dementia had brought racist views out that they would have likely kept to themselves pre illness. If anyone didn't want to work with them, they didn't have to and were assigned to others (which doesn't mean that anyone who did work with them was racist btw, just that they felt able to ignore it in the interests of the wider service). Exactly as is happening here. You are not unreasonable to be so upset op. Of course it's awful.

ProudAmberTurtle · 23/04/2026 18:25

My neighbour started using the W word from his mid 80s after he was diagnosed with dementia (his granddaughter mentioned it to me out of embarrassment, and said he never said it to them before but it was widely used in society until about the 1970s).

Popstarrrrr · 23/04/2026 18:28

MabelRoyds · 23/04/2026 18:11

He may very likely have a disability like dementia. Not all disabilities are visible.

Genuinely curious. How does dementia cause racist viewpoints?

Witchonenowbob · 23/04/2026 18:28

MabelRoyds · 23/04/2026 18:11

He may very likely have a disability like dementia. Not all disabilities are visible.

Or a racist, they exist everywhere! It’s awful.

Witchonenowbob · 23/04/2026 18:29

ProudAmberTurtle · 23/04/2026 18:25

My neighbour started using the W word from his mid 80s after he was diagnosed with dementia (his granddaughter mentioned it to me out of embarrassment, and said he never said it to them before but it was widely used in society until about the 1970s).

Was he also a racist? Which he managed to not blurt out before dementia?

ProudAmberTurtle · 23/04/2026 18:31

A lot of people do not understand frontotemporal dementia (FTD), and this is a common symptom of it, a bit like Tourettes.

It actually starts when people are younger, usually in their 50s, but by the time they hit their 80s this sort of inappropriate behaviour becomes unavoidable.

If that's what this man has then he has no control over it.

ProudAmberTurtle · 23/04/2026 18:32

Popstarrrrr · 23/04/2026 18:28

Genuinely curious. How does dementia cause racist viewpoints?

How does tourettes?

AuntChippy · 23/04/2026 18:33

Popstarrrrr · 23/04/2026 18:28

Genuinely curious. How does dementia cause racist viewpoints?

If it’s frontotemporal dementia, a well known result is it causes people to say inappropriate things. These are often racist or sexist and in people that were not inclined to either beforehand.

My friend’s dad is nothing like the mild mannered, tolerant man he was a few years ago. He’d have been devastated to hear himself.

TemperanceWest · 23/04/2026 18:34

Oh for God's sake. He is able to come to OP's place of work under his own steam. He has no carers. Occam's razor applies. He is most likely just a horrible racist.

Popstarrrrr · 23/04/2026 18:34

ProudAmberTurtle · 23/04/2026 18:32

How does tourettes?

I don't know. As I said, genuinely curiosity.

Popstarrrrr · 23/04/2026 18:35

AuntChippy · 23/04/2026 18:33

If it’s frontotemporal dementia, a well known result is it causes people to say inappropriate things. These are often racist or sexist and in people that were not inclined to either beforehand.

My friend’s dad is nothing like the mild mannered, tolerant man he was a few years ago. He’d have been devastated to hear himself.

Thank you. I didn't know this.