To cancel the sleepover?

[MyWildOliveGoose]

To start, my DD15 attendance at school is extremely low, and they’re on my back about it. This week she’d asked for a friend to stay over on Friday night, and I clearly said “if you go to school every day this week, yes.. but if you have any days where you refuse to go in for any reason, no.”

Today she’s come on her period, if this had happened tomorrow she would have popped some paracetamol and got on with it, but instead she’s point blank refusing to go in and said that if I cancel the sleepover because of her period, I’m a bitch.

I am more swayed to cancel, because of the agreement and because of her attitude, but I do understand her periods are heavy and painful. AIBU?

I’d cancel because she called you a bitch.

If my child called me a bitch... she'd never have a sleepover again.

Why is she not going to school regularly and then being rewarded if she manages one whole week?

100% cancel, you set the boundaries and she has to deal with the consequences

Lots of things going on.

First periods heavy and painful. Has she seen GP about this? Go on the pill?

What does she do if she doesn't go in? Would she do some work or be online? Why does she not go in?

Cancel.

DD has heavy painful periods and while I am sympathetic as I also had heavy periods, I try to encourage her to not let it stop her from doing things. I ensure she has painkillers, heat pads anything else than can help but she's still goes to school.

Also in the camp of cancelling for calling you a bitch

Why do you let her decide when she goes to school? Why don't you seem to think being called a bitch by your child warrants a punishment?

I don't remember a heavy period being an excuse to miss a day of school when I was that age. And she's presumably got GCSEs coming up either now or next year?

I also think you can tell her that if shes not well enough to go to school today, shes not well enough to have a sleep over tomorrow.

And I punish her for the bitch comment as thats disrespectful and spoilt behaviour. Actions need consequences. And you'll be doing all this for her own good as a good parent despite how annoyed you will make her! You shouldn't have to bargain like this.

Absolutely cancel. For the bitch comment. And if she’s not well enough for school she’s not well enough for a sleepover. Periods are horrid but not a reason to miss school. And if they are she needs to see a gp

I think you need to stick to your guns as you need to keep to your word, however sometimes a child will be genuinely ill so making the sleepover a condition that she won’t be unwell (and can’t attend school) is dodgy. Like others she wouldn’t have one for what she called you.

She called you a bitch. Cancel.

Ofcourse she would have as it’s Saturday and her weekend! She can still pop some paracetamol today and get on with it!

Definitely cancel the sleepover, the deal hasn’t been kept to on her part. She has to understand you mean what you say.

What are her reasons for not going into school? Is she open with you about it? I ask as it’s very often not a case of belligerence or laziness - possibly something deeper going on. I have lots of experience of this!

You set your expectations and she didn't comply. She was also extremely cheeky. Show her you mean business and follow through or she'll walk all over you.

She needs to learn to live with her periods, just like every other female.

Why on earth is your daughter not attending school? My periods were excruciating but I still went to school and, after that, out to work. I would withdraw all pocket money, phone and treats for a month just for the bitch comment. Totally unacceptable language and behaviour. If she was an adult and said that at work to a manager it would get her sacked.

You have to follow through. Her attitude alone is appalling.

Her attitude. Calling you a bitch?!
When did you stop parenting to the extent that her suggesting you are a bitch has only made you re-think your decision to cancel rather than re-enforcing that decision and grounding her as well?!

Ok, I’m glad you’ve all replied and agree with my thinking. My doubt only comes from family members who, admittedly, always say I parent to harshly, which I don’t think I do.

Her attendance is low because when she gets infections they spread quite quickly and she goes from being slightly poorly to extremely poorly within a matter of hours. We aren’t sure why but it is under investigation with the GP. For example, she had a UTI recently and despite me getting antibiotics and starting them within hours, it had spread to her kidneys by the next day and we spent a number of days in hospital. Since September she’s had a UTI that spread, tonsillitis that spread and an ear infection that was prolonged - that is why her absence is low.

The reason we are at a point of her doing a full week and getting a reward is simply because she’s built up an intolerance of being resilient. I believe that when she feels slightly poorly she panics and wants to rest, so every sore throat, migraine, stomach ache etc gets a big reaction.

Her periods are heavy, and harsh, and painful - again she’s under GP supervision for this. We have also got a gynae referral for endo suspicion. However, I don’t think that warrants the bitch comment, nor me being expected to keep to my end of the deal. She’s not gone in every day as agreed. She would have popped some painkillers had her period started tomorrow and enjoyed her sleepover, in my opinion.

There is something really amiss if your DD is calling you a bitch. That would not be allowed in this house. The sleepover would be cancelled on that basis alone.

Why is her attendance generally low, OP? Does she just refuse to go in?

I'm another voter for 'you cancel simply because she called you a bitch'.

Your latest post changes things somewhat as it seems her absences are due to genuine health problems. On that basis it changes tings somewhat as regards the sleepover. But her calling you a bitch is totally out of order and she needs to know this.

It would be cancelled if it was me and there’s no way I’d tolerate being called a bitch either. She’d be horsed out the door to school with two paracetamol in her hand.

I think that the fact she is missing school due to health issues has altered my opinion. She still needs to be dealt with for calling you a bitch though. It’s such a shame for a child of this age to be dealing with health issues so I am more in the side of leniency

Her calling me a bitch did not make me rethink my decision.. I have been told I parent too harshly a million times for disciplining my children despite me never having even raised my voice.

If there’s an agreement I stick to it, my only wobble here, was due to family suggesting cancelling the sleepover would be unfair as she can’t control having come on her period and the pain she’s in.

Yep, I’d cancel. She hasn’t kept to her side of the agreement.
If she’s feeling too rough to go into school then she won’t be well enough for a sleepover anyway. She can’t have it both ways.