AIBU to feel done with this person?

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AIBU to feel "done" with this friend?

I’m looking for some perspective. I feel incredibly drained and, honestly, a bit gaslit.
My best friend of 10+ years had a head injury 3 years ago. No structural damage on scans, but severe migraine symptoms. She ended up unable to work and lost her job, and she hasn’t seen much of family or friends. For three years, I’ve done what I can to support. I acted as her Power of Attorney during a legal dispute and visited her only on her strict terms (timed chats, silence breaks). I once had to decline her request to come and look after her while I was pregnant and physically struggling myself.

I have been through a very dark time recently—a difficult pregnancy followed by severe Postpartum Depression and total sleep deprivation.

When my baby was born, my friend insisted on a "protocol" to meet them: I had to leave the baby with my partner in a park and meet her alone first, then "show" her the baby briefly at the end. I was establishing responsive breastfeeding at the time and the baby was on my chest for hours. I told her "no" because I didn't feel comfortable with the protocol and it felt incredibly unfair to center her comfort over my newborn's needs. we agreed we would meet later. There was no effort from her to be flexible within this or ask how it could work, and I felt incredibly sad that someone I saw as a best friend did not seem that keen to meet my baby. At the same time; she sent multiple voice notes about how ‘all of her friends were having babies while she’s been sick’ and I have a feeling it was less about her health (she said meeting a friends baby had had ‘disastrous consequences for her symptoms) and more to do with her emotions.

Recently, she started a new medication and her symptoms have improved significantly. Since then, she has managed two trips abroad and is starting IVF (she started a new relationship the week before her injury and this person has essentially been her primary carer and person she sees the most by a very long way).

She has also finally met the baby.

However, when I recently asked if we could meet at a spot 20 mins from her house instead of me walking an hour uphill with a heavy pram (which hurts my back and the baby hates the pram), she balked.

She ignored me for three days, then messaged saying she "can't add in a 40 min walk" and asked if I was "finding it hard to accept her health boundaries" and if I'm "resentful." And offered to chat about it.

AIBU to feel that these "boundaries" are selective? I feel like I’ve done all the emotional heavy lifting for years. Now that she is well enough for international travel and IVF, she still can’t walk 20 minutes to meet me halfway while I’m struggling with PPD. Is this a one-sided dynamic, or am I being an unsupportive friend?

and what would you say back?

yabu - you’re taking this too personally
yanbu - she’s a crap friend

the sad thing is, I have no family support and saw this person like a sister before she got sick and met her partner. We relied on each other. So to go from that to this is hard, and that’s colouring my experience I think. As in not sure i want to lose the friendship but also im so hurt im not sure i can work through this in a diplomatic way with her.

Friends are supposed to be fun, not this much hard work!

She’s offered to chat about it so tell her exactly how you feel and see where it goes from there

I would be done.

Without picking apart your friend's situation/health/injury etc she sounds hard work - regardless. You have enough on your plate. Focus on yourself and your baby. Join parent and baby activities. Join some mum support /PND support groups. Make new friends.

What was she like before the head injury? She sounds awful!
how much of the behaviour coincided with you getting pregnant?

Honestly she could be quite controlling, but it wasn’t like this and I managed to dodge most of it. She has absolutely no problems asking people to do her bidding. She was a very successful ceo.

Your friends condition has changed her. Whether this is a medical issue or a personality one, how much is 'genuine' need and how much is her using her circumstances to be controlling is beyond the scope of lay people to diagnose.
Personally if the woman had been like a sister to me before the brain injury I'd be inclined to assume medical causes and be sad rather than angry.
If you want to set boundaries around how far you'll go to accommodate her that's entirely up to you. If you want to keep the friendship I'd advise it, as the resentment you feel will destroy it. You don't need to have a big talk about it. Just refuse the things you feel are too big an ask.

This. She’s offered to chat. Tell her exactly what you’ve said here.

Head injuries do change people. It can be hard dealing with this new person. Some people do opt out.

I am disabled .

i can do international travel. I can’t walk, at all so no minutes walk would work for me.

however you do not have to stay friends with her. It’s up to you.

To me you are way too accommodating. Put in some ‘health boundaries’ of your own.
I’d explain to her that you have a back issue and can’t walk the distance to her pushing a pram. ’. Explain until your back improves or until she is able to walk 40 mins, it looks like due to health issues you both have you won’t be able to meet up. What does she suggest?
Also, try to reach out to other support for your PPD and other social activities to build a wider network of friends and social engagements if you are able. This woman is clearly very self absorbed in her own issues and cannot support you the way you deserve and the way you have done for her.

She’s a controlling bully with chronic Main Character Syndrome.

Whether or not this is a result of her injury is irrelevant really, the impact on OP is the same.

I would drop her, it sounds miserable for both of you.

A lot of friendships change when children come into the mix irrespective of health issues. I’d let this friendship cool personally. Concentrate on your own family and see what happens. Maybe it’s already dying a natural death as you are both moving on in different directions.

Sorry but I wouldnt tolerate this, especially with a small baby. What are you getting from the friendship other than constant unrealistic demands? Dont be a doormat. Be unavailable when she calls

Well love, the clues WERE there… the injury looks to have exacerbated it.

Id have been done with the baby protocol thing tbh. Yanbu

I would consider recinding the POA too OP or you will retain a legal responsibility over her health/finances (depending on which POA you hold). Lots of good advice above re: the friendship - look after yourself.

You’re not being unreasonable—you’re reacting to a pattern that’s genuinely hard to ignore.

For years, you’ve adapted to her needs in very significant ways (legal responsibility, strict visiting rules, emotional support).
Now that her capacity appears to have expanded (travel, IVF, a more active life), her flexibility toward you hasn’t expanded with it—she’s framing reasonable requests as you failing to respect her “boundaries.”
That is what’s making this feel like gaslighting. It’s not just the 20-minute walk—it’s the implication that you’re the problem for even asking.
A boundary is meant to protect someone’s wellbeing, not to shut down mutuality or avoid any inconvenience. And in a long-term friendship, especially one where support has flowed heavily in one direction, it’s reasonable to expect some recalibration when circumstances change.
Also, the fact that you’ve just come through pregnancy, birth, and severe postpartum depression while caring for a newborn is not a small thing—it’s a period where you reasonably need flexibility, care, and understanding. Asking her to meet you halfway (literally) is not a big ask.

I’d message something like:
I’ve been thinking about your message. I want to be clear that I do respect that your health has limits, and I’ve tried to support that for a long time.

At the same time, I’m in a very physically and emotionally demanding phase with a new baby and recovery from PPD. Walking an hour uphill with a pram isn’t manageable for me right now, which is why I asked to meet halfway.

What’s been difficult for me is that it feels like there isn’t much flexibility or consideration for my situation, even as things have improved for you in other areas. I’m not trying to push your boundaries—I’m trying to find a way for this friendship to work for both of us.

If you don’t want to meet at x, that’s fine. Perhaps a break from each other will do us both some good at this point.

This is exactly what I’ve been doing, just politely saying no, and now she’s asked if I’m resentful because I asked if she could meet me a 20 min walk from her house, instead of right outside. After she’s been in France, twice. So I feel like the one time I’ve actually asked for an accomodation she’s used her ‘health boundaries’ as she put it as some kind of battle of wills. I don’t feel able to have any needs in this friendship at all. And when she knows I’ve got bad ppd and is happy to text all day asking about advice ivf it’s left a nasty taste in my mouth.

She’s batshit crazy!

She’s crazy. I would honestly just ghost her or tell her her controlling demands are simply to much to deal with and you won’t be continuing the friendship.

no wonder she has no friends.

Thank you. I have put a lot of effort into meeting new people and making local friends. So that is happening, and I’ve felt able to open up to one of them about this. I think it just makes me sad that such a long standing friendship has come to this.

Thank you. The PoA was actually quite short lived as the situation I was helping her with imploded (can’t go into much detail). But the way it was handled by her made me very uncomfortable. I felt like I was being used as a bit of a puppet and asked to effectively lie. So I stood back from it as much as possible until the other party put and end to it out of frustration with the situation.

i went through postpartum depression and there’s no way I could deal with this, too! She’s a bully. You have 2 priorities: you and your baby. Full stop.

Do you really want you dc around her? I hope not..
Be less available.. A lot less.

Long standing friendships CHANGE. You are not the only one it happens to.

You've been through a lot but I would sit with this reality for a while and let it sink in. Who they once were may not be who they are now, and vice versa. It's OK, it's just life x

She's well enough to do IVF but not meet you halfway? Bollocks. Is she resentful of your baby?