AIBU to feel done with this person?

[starstar84]

AIBU to feel "done" with this friend?

I’m looking for some perspective. I feel incredibly drained and, honestly, a bit gaslit.
My best friend of 10+ years had a head injury 3 years ago. No structural damage on scans, but severe migraine symptoms. She ended up unable to work and lost her job, and she hasn’t seen much of family or friends. For three years, I’ve done what I can to support. I acted as her Power of Attorney during a legal dispute and visited her only on her strict terms (timed chats, silence breaks). I once had to decline her request to come and look after her while I was pregnant and physically struggling myself.

I have been through a very dark time recently—a difficult pregnancy followed by severe Postpartum Depression and total sleep deprivation.

When my baby was born, my friend insisted on a "protocol" to meet them: I had to leave the baby with my partner in a park and meet her alone first, then "show" her the baby briefly at the end. I was establishing responsive breastfeeding at the time and the baby was on my chest for hours. I told her "no" because I didn't feel comfortable with the protocol and it felt incredibly unfair to center her comfort over my newborn's needs. we agreed we would meet later. There was no effort from her to be flexible within this or ask how it could work, and I felt incredibly sad that someone I saw as a best friend did not seem that keen to meet my baby. At the same time; she sent multiple voice notes about how ‘all of her friends were having babies while she’s been sick’ and I have a feeling it was less about her health (she said meeting a friends baby had had ‘disastrous consequences for her symptoms) and more to do with her emotions.

Recently, she started a new medication and her symptoms have improved significantly. Since then, she has managed two trips abroad and is starting IVF (she started a new relationship the week before her injury and this person has essentially been her primary carer and person she sees the most by a very long way).

She has also finally met the baby.

However, when I recently asked if we could meet at a spot 20 mins from her house instead of me walking an hour uphill with a heavy pram (which hurts my back and the baby hates the pram), she balked.

She ignored me for three days, then messaged saying she "can't add in a 40 min walk" and asked if I was "finding it hard to accept her health boundaries" and if I'm "resentful." And offered to chat about it.

AIBU to feel that these "boundaries" are selective? I feel like I’ve done all the emotional heavy lifting for years. Now that she is well enough for international travel and IVF, she still can’t walk 20 minutes to meet me halfway while I’m struggling with PPD. Is this a one-sided dynamic, or am I being an unsupportive friend?

and what would you say back?

yabu - you’re taking this too personally
yanbu - she’s a crap friend

the sad thing is, I have no family support and saw this person like a sister before she got sick and met her partner. We relied on each other. So to go from that to this is hard, and that’s colouring my experience I think. As in not sure i want to lose the friendship but also im so hurt im not sure i can work through this in a diplomatic way with her.

I’d resign the POA (if that’s the right verb) as she has a partner and a stable relationship. In fact you could use that as a launching pad for ‘I’ve been meaning to talk to you about a few things, and this seems to be the right time.’

Does she get any occupational therapy to cope with her HI? It sounds like she could do with an independent assessment.

Her questions are very pointed and accusatory. Asking ‘do you feel resentful ..’ is so wrong! I think you need to be prepared with answers - ‘resentful is the wrong word but I find it difficult that you don’t reciprocate kindness and consideration when I am struggling.’

That’s a good question. She has been broody for a long time and after I had the baby, she mentioned in three separate voice notes over a series of weeks how all of her close friends have had babies whilst she’s been sick. A while ago she said she didn’t like walking in the park because seeing families upset her. So she may well be.

I wonder how she’d react if I turned the resentment question around to her? I think there’d be some sort of explosion but part of me wants to.

She sees a therapist, who I’m pretty sure is enabling this kind of thing from what I’ve heard. But they’re not an occupational therapist.

I resigned the lpa ages ago as the situation imploded (and I had felt very uncomfortable with what she was asking me to do whilst also claiming incapacity)

She is absolutely entitled to her boundaries but so are you!
I’d say “no worries I’ll have to take a rain check on this meet up as I can’t manage the walk, baby hates the pram and it hurts my back pushing uphill.” And stick to your boundary!

This. Her change was just more sudden. She isn't the same person now as the woman you originally made friends with. It's up to you to decide if you wants to be friends with the person she is now. If it doesn't bring you any pleasure, then you're obviously at liberty to discontinue it. Her narrative may well be that you abandoned her after she had her accident, but you're not obliged to stay in a friendship you no longer want because she had a traumatic head injury.

Many relationships don't survive for all kinds of reasons -- look at James Cracknell, who emerged from a near-fatal head injury a completely different person, egocentric, violent and unstable, and he and his wife wrote a book about it and eventually divorced. Like 75% of couples where one person has a brain injury.

This is no friendship OP.

She attempted to seperate you from your new born baby whose survival depends on you for BF.

Who in the right mind does that and gets away with it?

She's selfish and mean.

You have already gone over and above to meet her demands, you have put her first and now you have a baby your priorities have to change and your so called friend is too inflexible, troublecausing and trying to guilt you in the process.

You need to pull away from her as friendships have to work both ways to be successfull but she is not willing to adapt so just drop her like a lead balloon and move on.

How you do it is up to you.

She may try to manipulate you into changing your mind if you tell her this in person or by phone.

You could draft then send an email, but word it carefully so that she gets the message telling her, you have both moved on and you want no more contact from her due to her unreasonable demands. send it then block her immediatly after.

Her life has moved on and she is not your problem.

I’d tell her to fuck off and then block her

This isn't about her injury. It's about her being controlling and enjoying telling people what to do.

You mention she was a successful CEO. My guess is that now she doesn't have that as her outlet for making people dance to her tune all the time, she's taking it out on other people. Honestly, tell her to get stuffed. She doesn't give a shit about you or your own needs and it's clear that her 'boundaries' are very selective.

On a side note... it's astonishing to me that someone she met a week before her injury has ended up being her primary carer.

It is a weird situation. The other person had never had a relationship before and was very insecure so in a weird way I feel the illness has been quite convenient for them because they don’t have to share her

Have a chat as head injuries change you. Be understanding.

My best friend had a stroke a few years ago and can’t do some of the things she used to do. She trys though.

I'm not very good with controlling people so I wouldn't blame you for giving up on this friendship. I really hope your attempts to create a local friendship network pay off as life is too short for this.

I’ve read the thread (did not do before, me bad). I’d have a proper chat with her, both of you speak and thrash it out. If at the end you think she’s changed, selfish and someone you don’t want in your life then do so. Go LC or NC. She may return to “normal” after her ivf if it’s successful and also if her therapy helps her. Don’t put up with any unnecessary demands or kick backs. Stand up for yourself. Only then it may or may not work. And only because she’s a best friend am I saying give her a chance.

Your friend doesn’t understand the difference between boundaries and demands.

I’d drop this friendship personally

Op can do both. Keep the friend, monitor the situation and go LC then return to normal maybe. A wider friendship group would be good with a baby though.

Friendship is a 2 way street. She's acting like you're on call scaffolding.

I wouldn't even talk it out. I'd personally just not answer and let it drift.

I would not be happy with this. You have a baby and your friend should be fitting in with you.
I think her peer group having babies, while she was unable to, has upset her. You say her partner is insecure and likes having her to himself, is he the one saying she has to meet right outside her house or does she feel unable to go places alone? I guess when she travels she goes with her partner.

Do you mean be a doormat and do what you’re told?
if she has capacity to have a new relationship, navigate holidays and ivf process…
what understanding does @starstar84 have to provide?
friendship is a 2 way street

I feel for you, this is coming at such a hard time after you’ve really helped your friend over the years.

I just want to point out dynamic disabilities. I have a few disabilities (not visible) and some days I can walk my dog, most days I can’t even sit up in bed, I could go on a holiday abroad but there would have to be sacrifices and extensive planning which I am assuming your friend did too.

People not living with me and seeing this daily get so confused that I can’t consistently do things (I completely get it- I didn’t understand it until it happened to me.). I’ve ended up not telling them anything as they then seem to expect me to be at that health level all the time.

For me, an unexpected 20 minutes walk would mean at least a week, before and after, of heavily controlled energy use (cancelling hospital appointments/avoiding light/minimising toilet usage) or it would make me severely ill so I can see why she’s pushed back on that if it were unexpected.

It sounds like you’re both incompatible at the moment due to health issues, which unfortunately happens. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just bad luck. This hopefully will get better as you both find stability. I really hope it goes well for you 💖

That would be a hard no from me, you're getting nothing from this 'friendship' - let it go & focus on your new life as a Mum.

She sounds like hard work... I hear you in that you lean on each other but it does sound like its all about her.
Maybe talk about with her tell her you're feeling very low yourself and could do with her meeting you half way on things.
If she takes offence I would distance yourself .
In time you can build new friendships don't be afraid of new things and new beginnings this isn't doing anything for how you're feeling at the moment so think about you and your baby ... you can make new friends xx

Sounds like a one sided friendship . I’m going through something if this nature and it’s physically and mentally draining. I put boundaries in they’re ignored so that’s what I’m now doing “ignoring” her . You and your little one come first. Is she milking this illness a bit ? Can go to France for treatment and probably a bit of sightseeing but can’t be flexible to suit your needs hmmm 🤔

But neither would you expect your friend with PND to walk an hour uphill with a pram!
Has her friend never heard of public transport or Ubers?

She sounds horrible. I feel like you should drop the rope, I’m sure you’ll come to feel a huge sense of relief once you are no longer dancing to her ridiculous tune!

I would not want to deal with that.
I would tell her her that I can't meet her demands and think that its best to have some time apart.

The 40m walk could well be too much for her, but you are having to prioritise your needs and DB.

I think that’s what I’d say - it’s not about her health boundaries, it’s simply that you’ve got less capacity now yourself and need to put your own boundaries in.

Agree with ending POA though, this is a good time now she has a serious DP.