AIBU to feel "done" with this friend?
I’m looking for some perspective. I feel incredibly drained and, honestly, a bit gaslit.
My best friend of 10+ years had a head injury 3 years ago. No structural damage on scans, but severe migraine symptoms. She ended up unable to work and lost her job, and she hasn’t seen much of family or friends. For three years, I’ve done what I can to support. I acted as her Power of Attorney during a legal dispute and visited her only on her strict terms (timed chats, silence breaks). I once had to decline her request to come and look after her while I was pregnant and physically struggling myself.
I have been through a very dark time recently—a difficult pregnancy followed by severe Postpartum Depression and total sleep deprivation.
When my baby was born, my friend insisted on a "protocol" to meet them: I had to leave the baby with my partner in a park and meet her alone first, then "show" her the baby briefly at the end. I was establishing responsive breastfeeding at the time and the baby was on my chest for hours. I told her "no" because I didn't feel comfortable with the protocol and it felt incredibly unfair to center her comfort over my newborn's needs. we agreed we would meet later. There was no effort from her to be flexible within this or ask how it could work, and I felt incredibly sad that someone I saw as a best friend did not seem that keen to meet my baby. At the same time; she sent multiple voice notes about how ‘all of her friends were having babies while she’s been sick’ and I have a feeling it was less about her health (she said meeting a friends baby had had ‘disastrous consequences for her symptoms) and more to do with her emotions.
Recently, she started a new medication and her symptoms have improved significantly. Since then, she has managed two trips abroad and is starting IVF (she started a new relationship the week before her injury and this person has essentially been her primary carer and person she sees the most by a very long way).
She has also finally met the baby.
However, when I recently asked if we could meet at a spot 20 mins from her house instead of me walking an hour uphill with a heavy pram (which hurts my back and the baby hates the pram), she balked.
She ignored me for three days, then messaged saying she "can't add in a 40 min walk" and asked if I was "finding it hard to accept her health boundaries" and if I'm "resentful." And offered to chat about it.
AIBU to feel that these "boundaries" are selective? I feel like I’ve done all the emotional heavy lifting for years. Now that she is well enough for international travel and IVF, she still can’t walk 20 minutes to meet me halfway while I’m struggling with PPD. Is this a one-sided dynamic, or am I being an unsupportive friend?
and what would you say back?
yabu - you’re taking this too personally
yanbu - she’s a crap friend
the sad thing is, I have no family support and saw this person like a sister before she got sick and met her partner. We relied on each other. So to go from that to this is hard, and that’s colouring my experience I think. As in not sure i want to lose the friendship but also im so hurt im not sure i can work through this in a diplomatic way with her.