AIBU to feel excluded from my husband's family outings?

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

My husband has two sisters who are both married.

They are all lovely and we get along, one brother-in-law is maybe a little self absorbed but good company and generous in his hospitality when we are in his house.

These brothers-in-law have no interest in attending family functions.

Since FiL died MiL relies on her daughters. They take her away and go on day trips or even just a drive to the garden centre.

They went to New York for her 70th and my DH went as well. I was jealous but I have lots of trips away.

However, I see this family is my family, their children as my nieces and nephews; the brothers-in-law see this family as their wives’ family and they don’t see see our children as their nieces.

What is happening increasingly is DH goes out/away with his sisters and his mother (sometimes with the kids) without me because spouses aren’t included because these brothers-in-law aren’t interested. They get excited that they get the house to themselves for a few hours/ a couple of days.

Well, you feel ‘excluded’ because you are excluded, as these trips or outings are just for your DH and his immediate family of origin, his sisters and mother. You’ve created a narrative whereby you’d naturally be invited if your BILs were more interested in attending them, but I don’t see any evidence of that. Family trips change hugely when double the amount of people attend. Think it’s really nice your husband and his sisters are collectively close to one another and their mum!

Have you talked to your husband and his family about the fact that you want to be included? Have you arranged anything yourself and invited the whole family to join you?

I have spoken to my husband and he didn’t really understand my issue as he doesn’t have any issues whatsoever with my going away.

He also kept repeating that the BiLs weren’t invited either.

They went somewhere for two nights to somewhere significant to MiL and FiL with the children and when DH spoke to SiL about including me she said the BiLs weren’t coming so if I came the balance would be off.

I have mentioned my feelings to the other sister-in-law as we often go out together as we both have daughters of similar age, she just laughed and make a joke about swapping places with her.

I am taking my MiL and my mother to see a Royal exhibition, and I take them both, sometimes to matinees if there is a show I think they would like, sometimes with my daughters.

I will have the odd meal or BBQ which I guarantee one or both of BILs won’t attend.

There was a religious occasion for one of my daughters which even my own SiL didn’t come with my brother and only one of the BiLs came and told a guest that my daughter was his wife’s brother’s kid.

Bit rude if your dc go but you aren't invited imo!
Your dh needs to mention to his dm if it's a family day out then you are actually his family!

We collected my daughter from a party one afternoon and on the way back my husband drove to one of the places that they took MiL, he thought I wanted to go to the venue but I was trying to explain that it wasn’t the venue but a sense of family inclusion I wanted.

I can take the poll going against me. It’s not as if I don’t have my own life and a happy one at that.

I am petty, so if I were you, I would stop inviting MIL out to events with my mum and daughters. Nuclear family only events can work both ways 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why would anyone try and muscle in where they are not wanted? Why can’t you have a nice day yourself instead?

Surely, if BIL’s never go, do it’s MIL and kids, it would be weird for you to go. If you press for invites, I’m guessing the SIL’s will likely step back as the vibe won’t be the same, then the get-togethers will just peter out.

Also don’t understand pointing out that your BIL called your daughter, his wife’s brothers child? That’s exactly what they are. They are the SIL’s niece, but they are not her DH’s niece, they are his wife’s brothers child.

I would take your mum and daughters to royal exhibition and other places and ring fence such times as family time together.
Once DH and co starts moaning I would tell them it works both ways.

I don’t see anything wrong with this. Yes you are family but not to the same extent as their relationship and it’s nice that they are able to spend that time together.

Just enjoy the time out and as per poster above don’t invite MIL out any more with your family. Never good to push in where you’re not wanted.

I wish I was in your shoes!

However much families might like the partners, it is nice to just be family. I wouldn't take it personally and I'd enjoy the time to yourself. It's extremely awkward for everyone if you try to insert yourself. I don't personally think it's anything to get upset about. Some people also like smaller groups.

Definitely this. Stop making the effort to include her when she doesn't do the same for you.

If she does say something just casually tell her it's for your family bonding, like when she takes husband and sils to events without you 😉.

No drama or confrontation but just matching energy from now on. Also, it's up to your husband to do any 'admin' for his family (birthday presents, reminders etc) and you handle your side of the family.

I don't think you have to stop including MIL in your outings just to prove a point. You sound like you take her and your mum out of choice because you want to, and it's a nice invite not something she's insisted on. Her outings with her DC are another matter and surely you can see why they just want the mum and DC together and not to involve partners. It's not like you never get to see them or never get together as a bigger group, but the smaller group doesn't include you and that's not about cutting you out. You were never in that immediate family. When I'm older, I'd like to be able to spend time with my adult DC without always having to include their partners. I think it's unusual not to easily understand that.

Next time ask if you can come too. Message sil and ask if you can come, or who ever organises stuff. Worst they will say is no.

That would be pretty tone deaf when she already knows the answer is no and if she forces a yes by asking then that will be pretty awkward. She's asked already in various ways and been told no in nicer/less direct terms so if she's not taking that hint, then keeping asking is just going to make her less wanted overall.

They went somewhere for two nights to somewhere significant to MiL and FiL with the children and when DH spoke to SiL about including me she said the BiLs weren’t coming so if I came the balance would be off.

This is so obviously a nice way of saying 'no this is about us as wife and children sharing memories and grief of our husband/father and we'd rather do without you there'. To take umbrage at that and still want to tag along is pretty strange.

YABU.

Petty.
And I doubt OP's DH would start "moaning". Why would he?

Also don’t understand pointing out that your BIL called your daughter, his wife’s brothers child? That’s exactly what they are. They are the SIL’s niece, but they are not her DH’s niece, they are his wife’s brothers child.

But someone’s wife’s brother’s child is their niece? It isn’t just biology - my mother’s brother’s wife was just as much my aunt as my mother’s brother is my uncle (and she definitely considered me her niece). Might be different if people get married late.

Not necessarily. My aunts were married, but their husbands were not my uncles. I had uncles, who were brothers of my parents, and they were married, but their wives were not my aunts. However, all of their children were my cousins.

So you are not excluded. You still see your SIL independently, you still see his mother. There are family get togethers, BBQs and some family members attended your child's events. They want to do some things as close family but not ALL things. What's the problem?
I often take my aunt on holiday, just the two of us. It wouldn't cross my mind to invite her husband or any of her adult children and their spouses to join us.

I think it might help to stop framing this as 'my husband's family outings' because then you're wanting to be there as his wife. But he's not going as your husband. He's going as a son and brother and he's 100% allowed to have that distinct identity without also having to be your husband and bring his wife along.

We all have different modes, and sometimes at big family gatherings or smaller meet-ups it's fine to be all things at once, but at other times it's okay to be a brother with your sisters or a son with your mum. Having you there would change things and that's not a personal affront. Just a fact that you should be secure enough to be fine with.

Guess different families do things differently. I can see OP being confused if her BILs are from families like yours and she’s from a family like mine. But probably just different expectations.

I see where you are coming from OP and am sorry that you are being excluded.
DP and I aren't married (been together over 30 years though) and I'd be invited to anything "family" which he's invited to. MIL sometimes does stuff just with her daughters, which is fine my me obviously.

DPs nieces and nephews are my nieces and nephews and they all call me auntie. Similarly he's Uncle to my brother's son.

I can't imagine DP and DC being invited to a family event and me being excluded - that would be so hurtful!

I think it's a bit mean of them, if you have an independent relationship with your mother in law, and sister in laws and you all genuinely get along - and your brothers in law don't- then I think it's a bit crap to exclude you on the basis that they're excluding the brothers in law - you don't all have to be treated the same in this situation. I do agree that the dynamic is likely to be different if there is one couple and no other couples - but not necessarily.

I'd say to your husband that you understand that they might want to do things together sometimes but if they want to exclude you every time then your relationship with them will suffer,, and you will then feel awkward inviting your MiL out with your mum for example if it's never reciprocated. So maybe they could alternate - their immediate family sometimes and then wider invite other times (and they need to frame it to the brother in laws that its not compulsory if they don't fancy it - it doesn't have to be all or nothing with all spouses or no spouses going)

There are a lot of very petty and vengeful people on this thread. MIL is a widow now, so going away with three couples is probably not something she wants to do all the time as she would feel like the odd one out. With death people can become nostalgic too and her spending time, especially when they went to the place that was special to MIL and FIL, with just her children becomes even more special. Don't take that away from her because of some perceived slight.