AIBU to feel excluded from my husband's family outings?

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

My husband has two sisters who are both married.

They are all lovely and we get along, one brother-in-law is maybe a little self absorbed but good company and generous in his hospitality when we are in his house.

These brothers-in-law have no interest in attending family functions.

Since FiL died MiL relies on her daughters. They take her away and go on day trips or even just a drive to the garden centre.

They went to New York for her 70th and my DH went as well. I was jealous but I have lots of trips away.

However, I see this family is my family, their children as my nieces and nephews; the brothers-in-law see this family as their wives’ family and they don’t see see our children as their nieces.

What is happening increasingly is DH goes out/away with his sisters and his mother (sometimes with the kids) without me because spouses aren’t included because these brothers-in-law aren’t interested. They get excited that they get the house to themselves for a few hours/ a couple of days.

But don't you think the BILs thing is a red herring? It's useful that BILs don't want to go so siblings can say that's why, but the subtext is clear that it's just for the mum and her DC alone. For OP to harp on about the BILs is missing the point. Also don't see why other outings have to feel awkward because of this - there isn't some spreadsheet where reciprocation is vital in order to enjoy an outing.

That’s ridiculous. If the OP would enjoy her MIL’s company at something, she should continue to invite her. Juvenile games of tit for tat aren’t going to get her anywhere.

Why not point out you actually want to see your dh and dc!!?? Your dd isn't a puppet to amuse mil. She wants a dc she can have hers back. He is a sap imo.

Are you there for the day to day stuff or just the nice trips you're interested in?
My husband wouldn't come to visit my Dad for a coffee, and if my Dad came here my husband wouldn't necessarily join us for a chat. My husband will ignore my Dad's requests to help him with DIY stuff until my Dad gives up asking.
However, if my Dad is inviting me and the kids out for some food you can bet my husband will be inviting himself along and he won't offer to pay anything towards it when the bill comes either.
Me and my dad both see it but we don't say anything to keep the peace.

I understand why youre upset. You feel excluded because you are excluded but I think these negative feelings are due to the fact that you would not exclude them.

Whilst I dont think youre being unreasonable for how you feel, I dont think they are being unreasonable either.

Alot of disappointment comes from expectations and because you wouldnt exclude people and they do it to you, it hurts.

Let them have have their day but stop doing stuff for her too!

I’m not sure that anyone is actually being unreasonable here. When I saw your headline I assumed that everyone was going and just you were excluded when in fact it’s the nuclear family and not the in laws. If the BILs were invited and you weren’t then that would be a different matter. I suppose it’s a bit odd that your DC in invited when you’re not but as long as you all do plenty together by choice (I know BILs step back) I think you have to just accept this.

God, I'd love to be excluded from my in laws family events! 😂

Seriously though, OP I actually think it's nice that your DH does stuff with just his Mum and siblings. It probably means a lot to MIL to have that time just with her own children, it doesn't mean she doesn't value her relationship with you. I think if you tried to muscle in now after you've already spoken to your DH and SIL about it, it would probably end up feeling awkward and you wouldn't enjoy the trip/day out anyway.

In our situation of three daughters only one is now married. DBIL is treated as family. When Mum died he was at the bedside with three daughters. Never entered our heads to work out if we are balanced or. It. Family especially come in all shapes and sizes, better to err on kindness and inclusion. In our family OP would definitely be invited. Conversely DBIL’s family is very much of a blood family one and like OP, DS has felt excluded at times. In my opinion when you marry you join a family , but different strokes I suppose

They absolutely are the BIL's neices and nephews. How odd to think anything else!

She's bereaved and gathering her family closer isn't she?

Is it just FOMO or are you genuinely hurt?

Yes, agree with this. start planning outings with your own family - all the in-laws can hang out together. You're not unreasonable to feel hurt - but it sounds like you've tried to address this and they can't / won't understand, so the best option is for you to change your behaviour (as in, stop inviting them).

I think it is odd.

I am going on holiday in a couple of weeks with DH's mum, sister and aunt - DH not invited! SIL's partner doesnt come to many family events and MIL's partner neither but they have always treated me a part of the family in my own right, not dependant on what other in-laws within the family do (maybe it helps I am the mother of the only kids in the family!)

If these family gatherings include your children then absolutely you should be invited too. In what world would anyone do anything different? I suspect those suggesting otherwise would be grateful not to be invited because they don't get on but that's clearly not the case here.

Your exclusion and their dismissive responses to your dismay risks damaging your relationship with all of them.

I wouldn't dream of excluding my DC's partners from events. They get invited to meals out, holidays, parties - and because they get invited they slowly become part of the family 'lore' as it were. I would be really happy to reminisce with them if a family member died.

And husbands of biological aunts are called uncles. Is that not always the case.

Difficult to know what to do tbh if they don't come to their senses soon. I'd probably draw the line at DC accepting invitations if I wasn't invited.

I agree with this. My H used to moan that me and a friend used to take our boys to a theme park once a year. We saw each other pretty much every weekend (she was a LP and H was generally working) and we had sons that needed wearing out. Strangely H never wanted to come to the wet weekend in the park but moaned to high heaven about the one theme park trip of the year. He saw no issue in saying he didn’t want the boring shit but quite fancied the cool day out. He got short shrift from me. This might not be you op but it should be worth considering.

I was completely supportive when my FiL died. I came across the siblings in a huddle outside I most definitely did not intrude.

I would like to be included on outings sometimes, not all the time as I consider them family.. I am not a fair weather DiL.

I genuinely believe if the brothers in law saw them as family I would be included.

oviraptor21

I would never stop inviting my MiL out and would never ever stop my children from being with their dad and much loved family. I just wish I could be there as well.

I just think families have different cultures regarding in-laws.

I think you're projecting a lot on your brothers-in-law. It just sounds as if it isn't your ILs' family system to include spouses in many of their days out -- it's just the four of them, your DH, his sisters and their mum. That's their decision, and I think you'd be more at ease just accepting it, and not lamenting over the lack of interest of your BILs. That's just not how your husband's family works.

I absolutely don’t see the issue but there you go.

Why are you keeping the peace when your dad is being so disrespected by an oaf.

Why should she be invited just because her children are? I have days out with my mum and sisters and all our small children regularly. If one of the sisters insisted on bringing their husband each time, it would completely change the dynamic, and even the conversation. Why would it be imperative for him to attend just because the children are?

I don’t see the issue either. It doesn’t sound like they exclude you every time, but that they want there to be occasions when it’s just them. That’s not unreasonable. My husband and I are the same with our respective families. We’re individuals in our own right, not always a package deal. Oh, and we have great relationships with each other’s families, so it isn’t at all the case that only people that don’t like their in laws would be fine with this.

You have expectations and ideals when it comes to how family ‘should’ operate, but it isn’t a universal one, and not one shared with your husband and in laws. Their approach is different to yours, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

I would be fine it my husband did things with his mom or sister without me. If my kids are going, I am definitely going!! How rude!

Would you try organising something - maybe invite mil and sils to a “girls lunch” in your house, and include your dh as an honorary girl and your dc of course. Or book the cinema some afternoon. If you do it a few times, you’ll probably found the group expands to include you.

I don’t understand this. Why is it OK for him to do things with his siblings and parent, but only as long as he doesn’t bring the children? I mean, they’re his children too, not just your representatives!

I think it teaches children that we exclude mummy

Once you're married, you're family! I would never take my kids away on holiday without inviting my husband, and would have told my mum where to go if she'd booked a holiday expecting me to trot along like a kid.
I'm not saying it's never ok for her to see me without him, but we all get precious little holiday leave and we have limited cash, so I'm spending spare time with all my family, not dumping my husband. Your MIL needs to remember you weren't just an oven to hatch her grandkids (if she regularly treats you like this-obviously if it's a one-off while she grieves, but it sounds like your kids are welcome, but you're not).