To tell my friend to shut her mouth

[WhatALiberty8]

I have a friend of around 6 years, we meet up once every couple of months. Sometimes just the two of us, mainly as a foursome by including our husbands. We either go to a restaurant, or we’ll take it in turns to cook and host.
I have no clue why but the last few times she has started talking with her mouth full of food. Not just a little bit either, literally stuffed full and spilling back out with every word.
I noticed the last time that her husband looked embarrassed by it. My husband thinks I should ignore it and get over myself. I’ll admit I can be annoying with how irritated peoples table habits (mainly DH) make me.. Think normal food noises/cutlery scraping noises, I’ve always hated this. But surely everybody finds talking with your mouth full grim. I’m genuinely concerned about going out again incase I throw up on her!
I think it’s reasonable to pull her aside and say… What the hell, you need to stop talking with your mouth full. What do you think, would you say anything?

I give up, my husband has made me realise that saying something will go down like a ton of bricks.
I still think it’s absurd that I’d be the rude one if I were to say something even though 99% of people would agree that talking with your mouth full of potato is disgusting.
I’ll either stop having food with her and plan other things or I’ll let the friendship fizzle out.
A shame because I enjoy her company but unlike my husband I can’t tune out and ignore it, it makes me feel physically sick.

But being rude (presumably) unintentionally is very different to taking it upon yourself to tell her that she is gross and disgusting and needs to stop doing it. Because it clearly angers you and that is very difficult to hide.

Because we don’t get to make other adults change their habits, even if they are gross. You can go around telling people off for their manners all you like but the end result is the same. The friend gets mortified and upset and you have ruined the friendship anyway. Or do you think they will be grateful for having been told?

If you walk away at least you aren’t exposing yourself to the thing that offends you and it has the added bonus that you haven’t made a friend feel like shit.

Ah right so you have issues with your husband too. Slurping. Scraping and farting. Let the friendship fizzle. It doesn't need to revolve around food.

Poor bloke - it sounds like he married his mum!

I fully agree with you. Disgusting is worse than rude. It’s ridiculous that people would let this go on rather than make a tiny social faux pas with a good friend.

‘Tiny faux pas’

Bloody hell. So the friend is mortified and upset and feels bad for a long time.

The OP admits she’s always on at her partner about his manners and that she is quite prissy. Does it sound like she can bring that up kindly?

You don’t get to police other people’s manners, you only control your feelings toward them and if they are too much, you walk away.

Surely friend would just feel a bit embarrassed, apologise and proceed to eat with her mouth closed? Mortified and feeling bad for a long time seems extreme.

I don’t think I’m prissy, I’d never in a million years sit in a front room and fart away, I’d also not expect anyone to be okay looking at my chewed up food and not feel sick.

Keep looking pointedly at her mouth, with a fascinated yet horrified expression. Or say something in a jokey way, e.g. "Careful, you’re losing half your dinner again!"

It's very personal isn't it?

Personally, I wouldn't be mortified if someone took me aside and said it kindly and quietly. Well, maybe I would a little bit, but I'd get over it. And I think on the whole I'd probably be grateful she told me (eventually).

Only you can decide @WhatALiberty8 how you think your friend will take it.

Just say “It’s ok wait till you’ve finished”.

I couldn't cope with it either, it's disgusting. I also find cutlery banging on a plate or tea slurping unforgivable (and unnecessary!!) so maybe we should hang out OP?!

I'd completely avoid any food related meetings and only do other things with them.

Is she a K-drama fan? If so, they eat this way ALL THE TIME in K-dramas and the practice is bleeding into her real life.😁

If she’s unlikely to care then fine. But if one of my ‘friends’ told me off for something that is how I would feel.

Gosh I hate that, it would drive me potty

Can you make a point of starting to speak & then correcting yourself & apologise loudly for speaking with your mouth full or doing it to your husband (with him obviously in on it) & she might get the hint?

I don't think you're prissy or unreasonable @WhatALiberty8 Seeing the contents of someone's mouth while they're eating is pretty disgusting.

I wouldn't suggest any of the passive aggressive approaches from this thread.

In your situation, I would speak to a friend in private, handling it with sensitivity, and not make a joke of it. I'd want someone to tell me directly, and not take the piss while I was eating (with my mouth open!).

Your husband saying you should get over yourself, given his 'habits' it seems pretty clear that he's lacking in basic manners.

Those are two extremes though. Nobody is expecting you to sit and look at her doing that because it’s gross and bad manners but a lot of people would see the farting thing as extreme.

You say you always pick your partner up on his manners too.

Given how strongly you feel, do you really think you would do it sensitively?

I would rather be binned off by a ‘friend’ than have this happen tbh because it’s humiliating to be ‘told off’ for something by another adult.

I should say that at no point would I feel grateful and I would be embarrassed to see that person ever again.

Could you sit next to her rather than opposite her? That's my solution to a friend who does the same - not all the time, she just gets a bit carried away sometimes when she's talking and eating.

I do agree generally that you can't police adults' behaviour, and should let them get on with it, but here, because it matters so much to you, I think I would say something and that it's possible to do it without making a big deal and humiliating her. A small comment, as has been suggested when she's talking ("It's OK, I'll wait for you to finish your mouthful"), thereby giving her a hint and hope she takes it.

It’s not that I want to tell her off, I just don’t want to throw up all over her!
I’ve always been more sensitive to this sort of thing, I was telling my husband last night that it goes back a long way… I remember being at primary school and feeling really anxious that someone might sit next to me in the dinner hall and eat cake and custard in a slurpy way.. Not because I’m a judgmental twat (maybe I am?) but real anxiety that I’d throw up in front of everybody at school.
I felt the same sitting with my friend.
The plate scraping is a newer problem for me, it doesn’t make me sick I just find it annoying.
Farting in a room full of people is a hill I’m willing to die on.. It’s rude and where possible it should be done discreetly/privately.

And that’s fine - everyone had their own standards. Does your DH not mind being corrected all the time? That would drive me batshit. Are his manners actually that bad or is it your perception given how you feel about things like that.

So control the only thing you can - your own reactions. If you are that sensitive, is it a good idea to go out to dinner with anyone?

I would feel so humiliated and angry if I were her. I wouldn’t be able to look you in the face again and probably would be quite rude and defensive.

Even if she did take it on board, she’s going to be very self-conscious going forward.

I’m AUDHD and have no tolerance for certain things and noises - so I remove myself as much as practical.

I don’t want to make her feel bad so I’m not going to risk it. Maybe her husband will tell her, or a different friend.. When I say she was talking with her mouth full I mean full, she was putting as much as possible in her mouth before starting a conversation. Her husband looked embarrassed and I just went quiet.. I was trying to focus on not being sick.
My husband is used to my ways, he just rolls his eyes and calls me princess. Oddly enough this conversation came up recently with me my husband, step daughter and my husband’s ex wife. My teen stepdaughter farts in front of her boyfriend, my husband thinks this is funny where as her mum thinks it’s grim. It might seem prissy to some but I’m not alone in my feelings, lots of people hate it aswell.

I’m same as you. Hate oeople farting out loud, and hate them eating and talking at same time . Hate it! There was a radio ad recently where someone was eating and talking about the deliciousness of it, I had to turn it off every time. It is disgusting 🤮