To tell my friend to shut her mouth

[WhatALiberty8]

I have a friend of around 6 years, we meet up once every couple of months. Sometimes just the two of us, mainly as a foursome by including our husbands. We either go to a restaurant, or we’ll take it in turns to cook and host.
I have no clue why but the last few times she has started talking with her mouth full of food. Not just a little bit either, literally stuffed full and spilling back out with every word.
I noticed the last time that her husband looked embarrassed by it. My husband thinks I should ignore it and get over myself. I’ll admit I can be annoying with how irritated peoples table habits (mainly DH) make me.. Think normal food noises/cutlery scraping noises, I’ve always hated this. But surely everybody finds talking with your mouth full grim. I’m genuinely concerned about going out again incase I throw up on her!
I think it’s reasonable to pull her aside and say… What the hell, you need to stop talking with your mouth full. What do you think, would you say anything?

Ignore your husband, unless it’s a superficial prim and proper friendship, where you don’t have any frank conversations, it is entirely within the normal bounds of a friendship to say something like this. Good luck!

Like you, I think it's revolting.

My DP started doing it recently, and I noticed friends wincing at it. I had a quiet word on our way home. He took it well, and stopped doing it.
He loves his food, and talking! And just got a bit carried away...

I would have a discreet word with her when it's just the two of you, over a glass of wine.

My empty mouth is gaping in astonishment at why someone would start doing that at that age. How on earth did she think that was a change she needed to make? I disagree with PPs. I don’t think we should suffer bad manners in silence.

I think I would have to say, “Sorry Alice, I’ve got to ask. Why have you taken to talking with your mouth full? You never used to do that.” Yes it will be embarrassing but if means people will no longer have to look at her half chewed chop suey it will be worth it.

Why is it that someone’s right to do crappy things is more important than other people’s right to insist they don’t do those things around them? Apparently we mustn’t speak up, just passively skulk away. (Then block and ghost 🙄)

That’s the thing.. I come from a world where if I was to act like this friends would say.. Stop eating like a pissed up goat.
And others, more polite people just suffer in silence and ignore it.
do think I’m gonna have to, I’ll try and not make it a big deal but I can’t cope with it. I don’t want to lose the friendship, apart from this I really enjoy her company.

No. I have misophonia. I dig my nails into my arms to cope. Totally subconsciously. I have broken skin many times doing it and despite a lot of trying, I cannot stop. So I just extricate myself from any situation when I am being stressed this way, prior to the zoning out, self harming response.

Thiscan be with no conversation if I don't know people will, but all my friends know and are very accommodating. Thankfully!

So you think that backing off from a friendship and letting the person continue to embarrass themself and their spouse in public is being a better friend than having a quiet one to one word with them?

Glad I dont know you!

Yes because there is no subtle way of saying it and the friend will be mortified. Op doesn’t need to police her friend’s manners.

How does a friendship come back from that?

So either it ends because the OP humiliates her friend or because the OP withdraws.

How do you tackle her about it then? Is she someone who would tell you straight about your bad habits?

I wonder why it's a new habit.. maybe she is really comfortable around you and letting general table manners slide.
I like the comment about making meets separate to food! She might get the hint why you've gone off having meals with her.

My son is like this so I try to sit at right angles to him so I cant see it straight on. But do agree you should be able to ask her gently why shes doing it. It might be adenoids 😄 Tho that doesnt work with DS 🙄

I can't stand plate scraping! My MIL scrapes the plate so much I'm expecting the pattern to come off! You'd think the old bag hadn't eaten for a month!

Don't point it out in public (even just in front of your husband and hers unless there's a way to do it that you know wouldn't significantly upset her) but if you are good friends you could certainly bring it up/ask about it in private. (It would be better for her husband to address it with her, but perhaps he already has.) Some people might take it personally no matter how you deliver the message, some might be embarrassed but then reflect on what you said and be more mindful, some would be upset if a friend did NOT tell them something like this and let it go on.

My husband thinks I should ignore it and get over myself is really odd. I understand his saying it could be rude to tell her outright (since it sounds like you've been discussing saying something to her WHILE she's eating) but how does "get over [yourself]" come into it? It's not like you're making something up or being over the top picky or critical here. Her behaviour IS a problem and it's legitimately upsetting you; it's not unusual that you would (1) ask for advice/input on how best to get her to stop or (2) vent about it to your husband.

Well based on your thinking that the friendship ends either way, I would rather do it by suggesting something that will stop other people backing off from her and losing her further friends.

But then I am not so sensitive. If a friend told me that then yes I would be mortified but would apologise to her and then make a point never to do it again.

ETA why is a friend kindly pointing out something that is considered unpleasant by the majority of people (as evidenced by this thread) humiliating? Its only humiliating if its done in such a way as to put someone down and make them feel small. It it is done with kindness and love, there is no humiliation.

Well, good for you.

Have you had a sense of humour bypass?

My husband is telling me to get over myself because I’m always pointing things out to him that drive me mad.. Slurping tea, scraping his cutlery on his plate, farting!
He doesn’t see the problem.. I think there is no need to slurp/scrape your plate and I think where possible you should leave the room and go to the bathroom to fart.
I get that not everybody agrees with this way of thinking, and I do things that piss him of equally.
But even he said he was shocked by how she was eating/talking. He can ignore it though, I don’t think I can. I’m going to tell her, privately and I’m going to try to do it in a way that she isn’t left upset.

If your comment isn’t funny then you need to indicate somewhere that it’s a joke

I don’t see how you can avoid upsetting her. As you say your standards are very different (and quite extreme to some people).

This is one of those things that it is impossible to say without mortifying someone (like telling them they smell).

She’s going to be devastated but if your disgust is stronger than your liking of her then go ahead.

I'll take that as a "yes" then 😁😁😁

My mum started to do this post COVID. Like she'd lost or forgot what was acceptable. Shed actually take a bit bite then start talking. I told her multiple times but it didn't stop so now I avoid food dates unfortunately. Classy lady, now In her 70s, no dementia.

How Strange, like my friend I don’t get how you can most of your life understanding that it’s considered disgusting and then one day just stop caring.
My husband still thinks I shouldn’t mention it but also doesn’t think we should stop eating out with them, that I need to learn to shut it out.
I find it really strange that everyone would have no problem telling a four year old to not talk with their mouth full but telling a 40 year is unacceptable.

Go out with her on her own and say something like "I didn't catch that (whatever she said) say it again when you've swallowed".

Sounds brutal but if you know her well enough she shouldn't take offence. Doing it when there's noone else there to embarrass her might help.

Because a 4 yo is a child who needs to learn things. An adult can, within reason, do what they like and other adults don’t get to police if

It does sound brutal. Either stop seeing her when there’s is food or stop seeing her completely. She is entitled to eat in a way she wants, even though it’s clearly gross.

"I'll wait until you've finished eating, you disgusting pig"