To want evenings to ourselves?

[relaxshesays]

How do you navigate finding time to yourselves when you have older children?
We have 4 one is 11 two are teens and one has moved out but comes in a few nights a week.
We would like some time to ourselves sometimes but we never know when the eldest is coming over and the other 3 are down here until we go to bed every night.
Am I being selfish to want the odd evening just me and husband to chat between ourselves?
When I was a kid growing up I was either out or in my room as was my brother.
I don’t ever remember sitting in the living room all night, every night until bedtime as that was mum and dad’s space. I’m not saying I would like them to do the same but I would like to be able to have a conversation with hubby that isn’t a family discussion occasionally.

Maybe I am being unreasonable but I do sometimes feel all peopled out and miss the days when we could put the children to bed and then sit down together and relax.

She has teens!
The short answer is you don’t get time alone if an evening when they are that age, or YOU go out.

That’s been the way it is for many years with us, once they reach a certain age, everyone pretty much has the same bedtime, and it’s outrageous to ban them from living areas. If you want alone time, then go out and have it. DH and I go out for a meal or drink if we want to escape them. At this point, they all stay up later than me😁, and have done for nearly a decade. It’s an easy problem to solve.

Growing up my dad used to retreat to the bedroom and the whole family would follow him upstairs there be 5 of us sat on the bed chatting. Used to drive him mad.
Ahhhh, your dad sounds lovely. What happy memories.
I think it's great that your eldest pops in frequently Op and feels welcome to do so. Could you ask him to let you know in advance a good night for him to be around for the others, and you and DH go out for the evening?

Surely you can say one or two nights a week they are going to have to go up to their rooms early as you want some adult time. It won’t harm them!

You are in charge so just tell them 🤷‍♀️

Your childhood was weird @relaxshesays

You had 4 children so time to yourself in the evenings was going to be more limited for a longer period of time. The living room is family space, if you want personal space that is what bedrooms are for. Maybe make it clear if you are going upstairs to have quiet time, to read or watch a programme etc

We never told DC they couldn’t be in the living room until it was their bedtime

I don’t understand all of the pandering. Just tell them that once a week you want a night with your husband so they will have to chill in their rooms or you can go out. It’s everyone’s house, that means everyone has to be content. Including the two adults.

I get it but equally you all have a right to use the public spaces in your house. Do kids have tvs in their room? That may encourage them up, do you have a tv in your room, you guys could watch tv in bed yes you may get interrupted but you would presumably get some time to yourself too. Other than that it’s date nites and rare times no one is in.

My kids are bedroom kids. It is rare they want to hang out (my ds can still be persuaded to watch something with me). Op, I think you couod start a new routine of walk or pub once on the week and once at weekends?

That's a good idea. At the moment I feign illness to get some time alone. A migraine usually 🙂
Added bonus is that people try to be quiet and bring me refreshments.

We resolved this by buying them tvs for their rooms, I was initially reluctant but it has worked ok as they tend to drift off after dinner and I we say goodnight and take their remotes around 9pm. Sometimes we organise games or a tv show to watch together to make sure we’re not all separated every night but this has helped give everyone a bit of space, chance to chat and decompress

Back in the day when mine were younger (and I could still bear having a man about the place) we just used to take the dogs out for a long walk to have time together. That or send the kids out to walk the dogs in summer. Or drive out to 'get some shopping'.

I have 5 dc aged between 11 and 19. At 9pm the youngest goes to bed and some evenings we get peace then as the older ones are doing their own thing but sometimes the 15 year old is hovering in the doorway wanting to watch something with us or the 19 year old isn't working or at uni and wants to chat.

My parents always had Saturday night as date night. We were welcome to stay in the living room on other nights, but on Saturday they'd get something special for tea and we'd be banished to our bedrooms. My mum still says now, 20 years later, what a good thing it was for their marriage!

This sounds like a boundaries issue to me, OP.

My DCs are 14+, and I feel absolutely comfortable saying "I'm going to my bedroom to read. I'm not available for the next hour unless you're bleeding or on fire". Clearly there's some nuance here that my DCs know if they actually needed me that I'm available to them, but they get to have downtime in their bedrooms so why shouldn't I? Similarly, on occasion we'll arrange for my DH and I to eat later than everyone. We close the dining room door, and tell them (in a loving and kind way) to leave us alone. We also have at least one coffee out per week where we get time just to chat and decompress.

Also, some times we go out for a bit of adult time 'cup of tea' in our camper van under the pretence of going somewhere like Sainsbury's or for a coffee

Why would you want this for your own children? How horrible.

I always spent the evenings in the living room with my parents when I was a kid, and likewise my now grown children tended to spend the evenings with us when they were still at home. I can't imagine a household where that isn't the norm.

You have to carve out time for you and your husband to have time together and space for you to be alone. How on earth have your children got the message that it's ok to follow you into your bedroom? Put an end to that right now!

Most of all, enjoy that your children want to be with you. You'll miss it in a few years!

I am amazed at people sending boundaries to send their kids to their rooms by 9pm of an evening. Kids are around for such a short amount of time, imagine being a teenager and knowing your parents dont want you around!

With the one thats moved out its not unreasonable to ask them to start checking if its a good time or letting them know you may not be home but imo the kids are old enough to be home alone so just go out rather than sending them to their rooms. You dont have to spend money, you could just go for a walk or have a picnic tea or you could have a date night and have coffee or a drink or go to the movies

I am amazed at people sending boundaries to send their kids to their rooms by 9pm of an evening

OP's youngest is 11. It's perfectly reasonable to want an 11 year old in bed by 9pm on a school night. Getting enough sleep is really important at that age.

I was about 18 years old and at a party in the flat where a bunch of boys I had made friends with the previous year living in university halls were now living. There were four of them, and at the party I snogged three of them.

One was my ex who I had dated during for a few months first year who was still constantly trying to convince me to get back together, but I just wasn't interested.

Two was the quiet geeky guy who was a good friend who clearly had a crush on me, and I secretly had a crush on him but was too immature to realise what a wonderful person he was and was more worried about what my friends would say if we got together.

Three had no strings attached, we never mentioned it happened and are still in touch today.

I went to bed with my ex that night, and boy 2 has never spoken to me again. I was so drunk it took me a while to remember what I'd done, but the damage was done. Almost 30 years on I still think about boy number 2 and regret that he wasn't the only person I kissed that night.

I go up to bed at 9pm most nights. 😆 it is perfectly reasonable for kids to have a wind down before sleep, get their school bags ready etc.

Sorry, wrong thread!!!

Wait until they all get partners, then your house gets even busier and you end up cooking dinner for more people ... trying to find out who is in and who is out.

I don’t get the I’m an introvert so need time to recharge comment. Surely you realised when you took the decision to have four children that you would be signing up to a busy life filled with people?

It is their living room too. If you want private time, have a date night with your DH and go out. Or go to your bedroom. If you get "peopled out" then possibly having four kids was a bad idea...

This.
Make a rule that if your bedroom door is shut that's do not disturb and only to be ignored in emergency. They can always send a text if it's a non-emergency they want you to respond to.