To want evenings to ourselves?

[relaxshesays]

How do you navigate finding time to yourselves when you have older children?
We have 4 one is 11 two are teens and one has moved out but comes in a few nights a week.
We would like some time to ourselves sometimes but we never know when the eldest is coming over and the other 3 are down here until we go to bed every night.
Am I being selfish to want the odd evening just me and husband to chat between ourselves?
When I was a kid growing up I was either out or in my room as was my brother.
I don’t ever remember sitting in the living room all night, every night until bedtime as that was mum and dad’s space. I’m not saying I would like them to do the same but I would like to be able to have a conversation with hubby that isn’t a family discussion occasionally.

Maybe I am being unreasonable but I do sometimes feel all peopled out and miss the days when we could put the children to bed and then sit down together and relax.

It’s obviously up to you, but my 12 yo goes to bed at 9 now he’s at secondary - he wouldn’t get enough sleep otherwise! Just thinking they need more sleep that adults. But yours might not have such an early start.

12 yo is a natural night owl so it’s tricky but he needs to be in bed at that time!

Start "meditation" in your room every evening for an hour or so. Shut the door and everyone knows mum is mediating so do not disturb.

I'm not saying you have to meditate but it's the one thing that everyone seems to understand you don't disturb!

Edited to say I know it doesn't help with time for you and your DH together but it does give you time and space on your own, something I understand as a fellow introvert.

We never know who will be coming in to sit with us or coming home. Sometimes it’s one sometimes none sometimes all of them , we just go with the flow. Sometimes dh and I go up to bed to watch the tv.
Although it’s different for us because I work from home and when dh is not travelling he works from home so we get lots of time together. But we have a very good relationship with our children and would never tell them to leave a room, it’s their home too and they should be able to sit where they want. Sometimes we don’t see them all day

I'm on my own with two girls age 11 and 15. We eat together about 6.30pm til 7pm then might watch something with the 11 year old , but the 15 year old is usually doing homework in her room. From about 8.30pm, I go to my room and read , 11 year old watches TV/Reads/plays online with freinds. At 9.30 I put the 11 year old to bed and snuggle down myself with a book or a film. We are all a bit introverted so like our own space . Weekends we are more likely to watch a film together but again by 9pm we each like our own space. We have two living rooms and the kids rooms are downstairs, so loads of space.

I’m surprised you find it strange that we didn’t sit in the lounge as kids?
We just thought that was normal, mum and dad would sit in complete silence watching the telly and nobody could interrupt, it was eery and uncomfortable so we went upstairs.
I think if I walked in and sat down they’d look at me and say can I help?

Maybe times have changed as I’m nearly 50 now but I always visited friends and we always went up to their rooms too.
I just don’t feel comfortable telling them to go upstairs when they obviously think that’s where they always spend their evenings.
I wouldn’t have come downstairs if my parents had visitors in even aunts and uncles they would get Chinese and drink and we would get taken up some of the food so we wouldn’t interrupt the adults.
When we have friends over our older ones get themselves a wine glass and sit with us. Youngest J20 of course.

The front room and kitchen are family spaces.
You don’t get to kick anyone out of them.

Just go up to bed an hour earlier.
Make a new rule that no one can come into your room if the door is closed.

You and DH could start going for an evening walk after dinner too.
It’s healthy and you’ll get chance to talk by yourselves.

I think if I walked in and sat down they’d look at me and say can I help?

This is awful OP!!

If my teen DCs have friends or cousins round then they do tend to go to their bedrooms but just because that’s where all of the fun stuff is.

But kids are always welcome in my living room.
When my DCs were little it was literally baby-proofed because that was the room we’d spend most of our time in.

We’ve this and I just think when I was young my parents didn’t seem to mind us staying up (it took me a while to mellow over it though, it drove me nuts for a while!!) so I leave them to it, sometimes watch stuff with them otherwise sit in the kitchen or get stuff done or go to bed. Sunday everyone has to be in their rooms by nine, it’s seen as our night or other nights I might call a night and tell them they can all bring screens to another room or something so we can have a date night watch something I don’t want them to moan about.

By the way I sometimes like reality tv so for something everyone can watch I’d recommend insiders, it’s a group of famous YouTubers in a big brother style house doing challenges and trying not to spend their prize money and weirdly we’ve all gelled with it, also only murders in the building, the us office, modern family and Brooklyn 99

Ooh I just saw this. Agree I find this situation really odd @relaxshesays. I’m 50 and we always watched tv as a family in evening after dinner. It was lovely. Allo Allo, Hi de Hi, Bullseye… so many classics. Happy times. I’m sad for you.

I don’t find it odd, the odd part is that you seem to not want to communicate your needs with your family.

I get it, and sometimes when you’ve not built in a bit of grown up alone time into your life, ut can feel like a big deal telling people “do you mind buggering off for a bit”

I get it, I used to feel like shit if I needed to ask anyone in my family to just leave me be for a bit, but things won’t ever change if you don’t speak up. You just end up more frustrated and it can lead to being snappy with the people you want to leave you alone.

You need to be really clear and say you are going upstairs for alone time and if the bedroom door is closed, please do not disturb you, and then stick at it. Ring fence one evening a week and ask your eldest not to pop round that day. Or have the older ones to look after the younger ones.

Its not just about evenings with your husband is it, but also time by yourself, and for yourself without anyone needing or wanting you, and you’re not going to get that unless you work at asking for it. You’re not just mum and wife. You’re a woman with her own needs and if you spend so much time meeting the needs of your household, it’s ok for them to be asked to let you have a few hours one evening a week.

This makes me really sad!

My teens would always head upstairs if they had friends over, but otherwise would hang out with us. Only one still at home, and he’s 17. DH puts the Ch4 news on which tends to drive him away, but otherwise we all hang together.

I do enjoy some time to myself, but will go upstairs to read/have a bath.

Your upbringing sounds very similar to mine OP. From about 10 i would eat my meals in my room and stsy there. I was made to feel like i was in the way in the lounge.
I made a conscious decision to never inflict a child to that.
Try to go out if you need that time .

What interests do your kids have OP? I’m surprised they all want to sit and chat to their parents all evening every day.

When my 2 aren’t out playing sport or with friends, they may wander down to chat for a bit, maybe play a bit of darts in the conservatory, grab a drink, then go back upstairs to play Xbox or just lie in bed on their phones. Isn’t that what most teens do?

My childhood sounds similar to yours op. We weren’t ever allowed in the living room with parents on an evening. We’d get in from school, watch citv, have tea and then be sent outside or to bed while the adults would sit watch the soaps. If any of us ever interrupted their shows we’d get bollocked. The same when they had mates round too. Kids would be sent upstairs and the adults would get pissed and have takeaways. That was the mild side of my childhood, a good day for me would be being made to care for younger siblings from 6pm onwards and getting that “can I help?” If I ever tried to sit in my living room with my family.

It uncommon, a lot of kids in my council estate weren’t even allowed in their bedrooms, they were made to stay outside until bedtime, my best friend though, her parents would do things like board games, quiz shows, documentaries, watch films with her, help teach her things she’s interested in, just generally actually show an interest in not only their kids but their kids friends.

You wanting some alone time here and there is not the same as what many of our parent’s generation did of expecting their kids to be not seen and not heard either, every single day.

I think the way you were brought up is very weird. Lounges are generally communal spaces. I wouldn’t expect kids or teens to leave the lounge at all. If your older teen doesn’t live at home, they should tell you when they are coming.

Doesn't have to go to sleep, but could they go upstairs. My 11 year old goes up about 8.00 teeth shower pj's and in bed by 8.30 ish. She can read, drawer, craft etc and lights out 9 on a school night, 9.30 on a weekend. Summer holidays are much more flexible, but she will be out in the garden playing with her sister until gets dark, rather than in watching tv

I think you need to explain to your children why there needs to be a slight change in the evening routines. I completely understand your need for decompression time.
You are the adults and you are completely entitled to say one or two nights a week everyone is in their room by 9 so you/DH can have some time to yourselves.
If you need time in your room by yourself get a do not disturb sign and make it clear that this needs to be respected.
Even if one of your children doesn't go to sleep til 10ish, there is no reason for them not to be quietly in their room reading or doing some other quiet activity.
Good luck!

Well I’m a bit older than you @relaxshesays but we definitely all spent time as a family in the evenings watching tv etc when we were teens . I can’t say I ever felt the need to ‘decompress’ away from my children so this has not been an issue here .

Well this is what happens when you have 4 kids!
Just go out - surely they will be ok and not have a Facebook party/burn the house down?
Can you book a hotel and oldest child comes back to keep an eye on the others?

Everyone I know says their teenagers spend all their time in the bedrooms. I feel like I’m in a parallel universe on this thread, in which people’s teenagers are sitting and chatting with their parents about school and current events all evening!!

This - when eldest comes over, one of the nights they baby sit and you go out for a few hours. Sit in a nice pub/bar, and chat over a glass of wine.

Honestly, in 3 years, you will see nothing of any of them @relaxshesays and be back here complaining that you never spend time with your teens as they never leave their rooms etc. (which is where we are at the moment).

Family life waxes and wanes. You ride it out.

I'd say you have a communication problem more than anything.

You need to sit down with your kids and openly and clearly communicate with them about your needs and wants and feelings.

There's nothing wrong in saying you need an evening to yourselves - you just need to communicate that to your kids.

Also, when was the last time you took your OH out for a curry/pint? Might now be a good time?

It’s difficult as they get older, like everything to do with parenting you have to adapt to each stage. I usually take myself to my bedroom when I feel like I need alone time. Oh will do the same, sometimes we’re both up there. Dc still come in to chat, but I don’t mind as much as it’s less frequent than when I’m downstairs ‘in the thick of it’ so to speak. I’m usually up in my room from about 7/8pm most evenings as I enjoy watching tv and just relaxing in my bed anyway, sometimes it’s more comfortable than the living room, especially in winter. Small house too, so we have a living room, kitchen, bathrooms and bedrooms. Only place I can really take myself to is my room.

But I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have a rule where all the kids are in their rooms (not necessarily going to sleep) from 9pm onwards on weeknights or something. Ultimately it comes down to communicating with them about your expectations, wants and needs.

I think YABU, this is life if you choose to have 4 kids. I also think it's such a shame that you have kids this age who WANT to spend time with family and yet you want them to go, I think there are a lot of parents who would love their teens to come out of their rooms!

Agree with another poster who suggested you and your husband go for a walk. It's nice and light till the evening you can go for a stroll around the block and a chat. Or go into your room together.

When the kids were younger, that is, probably year 6 they went to bed at around 09.30 at the latest.

Once they were in secondary I didn't have to impose a time limit very often ds1 always took himself to bed around 10pm and still does as a 30 year old adult, on a work night. Ds, who is 3 years younger took himself to bed after news at 10 yhen the local news. He would watch it and then go ip at 10:45pm. That meant me and dh had 15 mins to ourselves! 😆 🤣 😂.
As they got older ds1 moved out at 17 and ds2 did sports/explorers etc most nights Monday to Friday so we didn't do much.

Both had left home and was buying their isn homes by 22 so hang in there OP,it doesn't last forever!