To want evenings to ourselves?

[relaxshesays]

How do you navigate finding time to yourselves when you have older children?
We have 4 one is 11 two are teens and one has moved out but comes in a few nights a week.
We would like some time to ourselves sometimes but we never know when the eldest is coming over and the other 3 are down here until we go to bed every night.
Am I being selfish to want the odd evening just me and husband to chat between ourselves?
When I was a kid growing up I was either out or in my room as was my brother.
I don’t ever remember sitting in the living room all night, every night until bedtime as that was mum and dad’s space. I’m not saying I would like them to do the same but I would like to be able to have a conversation with hubby that isn’t a family discussion occasionally.

Maybe I am being unreasonable but I do sometimes feel all peopled out and miss the days when we could put the children to bed and then sit down together and relax.

What time do you go to bed, OP?
Why don't you put some boundaroes in place?
Eg. Everyone up in their rooms by 9:00 / 9:30pm?

So tell your family that one day a week it's 'date night' for you and your husband. That means the eldest can't come over and the youngest are in bed by 9pm or whatever time. Or at least in bedrooms if not in bed. You're the adults, you can set the rules! Wednesday night is your night.

We sit at the dining room table and chat, kids in the living room usually.

We go up about 10 but although that would be lovely I don’t know if we can evict family from their living space. I would like them to want to do other things rather than feel like we don’t want them around.

I find this odd.

Of course teenagers aren’t going to be up in bed at the same sort of time and little kids. And why should they clear out of the living room to leave it for you and your DH? It’s their home too.

I find it very strange that you did as kids.

With teens you don’t get an “evening” without their company but the flip side is, you can generally relax with them about as they aren’t work in the same way (I have teens - I know they can cause emotional labour but they’re not like kids you have to physically look after).

If you want to be alone, why not go up to your room?

Edit - 11 yo is clearly different as they still need to be seen to bed, and would go to bed before an adult.

We’ve always had mum and dad time from about 8pm - they’re welcome to stay up but in their rooms as we want to watch / talk about grown up stuff and decompress. It’s never been a problem as they find telly boring anyway and would rather do their own things.

I would like them to want to do other things rather than feel like we don’t want them around.

But they don't want to do other things, and you don't want them around 😂

Can you go out? Or spend time alone in your room with your DP?

11 year old goes to bed at 10 because he can’t get to sleep earlier so would come back down and complain he can’t sleep so there’s no point sending him up before 10 just to get upset that he can’t get to sleep.

Hahaha we didn’t really 😂 and just accepted it tbh.
But ours would take themselves off to bed during the week at about 9:30 as teenagers. Now they are 21, 20 and 14 and all still enjoy hanging out with us.
i do miss having time with just dh to sit quietly but it does happen from time to time. Just not very often.
My mum was always keen on shooing us out of the living areas downstairs as soon as we’d finished dinner because she wanted to sit and watch the soaps or whatever in peace. I’d rather my kids knew they could be where they wanted in their house. I always had my bedroom if I wanted a bit of peace and quiet for half an hour.
If you want time on your own though you can just tell them “everyone in their rooms from xpm this evening, I want to spend time with your dad.” (Feels a bit weird to me but your priorities are your own so do what feels right for you).

He can be in his room at 9, doesn't mean he has to sleep then.

You need to go out, or declare an occasional date night at home.

I think it’s lovely that they want to spend time with you and aren’t lost to their bedrooms though, on the whole.

Lost… not list

One night a week out, and the teens babysit the 11 year old?

If I go upstairs to my room, people see it as an opportunity to come in and talk to me while I’m on my own.
I never know when our eldest is coming (or going) he’s usually still here until we go to bed. I know some people find it odd that I’d want some quiet time but I am an introvert and need to recharge, especially feeling it after Easter holidays.

You and DH could go to bed early.
You and DH could go out for a walk.
You and DH could get physical and your DC will probably take themselves out of the room.

It's nice that your kids still want to spend time with you

I feel you and tbh I would set boundaries that all children have to be upstairs by 9pm. They don’t have to go to sleep but they can chill, watch tele etc. it’s not unreasonable to want alone time. They are children after all, and let’s face it, who pays the bills and who is in charge?

Why don't you and DH go out once a week ... a walk now evenings are lighter, pop into the pub if that's your thing, or eat out. Cinema. They're old enough to leave for a few hours.

Mine were never the sort to spend all their time in the bedrooms and I liked it.
Miss them now they've both moved out and DH and I have got every evening together 😁

Have you communicated your needs to them clearly? Have you explained that retreating to your bedroom = alone time?

Try asking them what they think it means… I bet you’ll find you haven’t communicated as clearly as you think you have.

I think this is normal with children that age. Certainly, we are collecting from activities til 9pm several nights a week.

But once a week you sit at the table and have dinner or drinks or a herbal tea together in the evening. Or go out. It doesn’t have to be for a £100 3 course dinner. Take a walk. Do an activity. They aren’t toddlers anymore so they will be up. You have to carve out time for yourselves if you want it.

You grit your teeth and grab the times they are out!

mine call themselves bedroom kids or living room kids - dd2&3 are bedroom kids coming down for a chat, food etc but generally like their own space. DD1 is a living room kid - now she’s older she like to come and sit with me at about 9:30 - and talk …a lot just when im finally relaxing after work and getting ready to go to bed! I love her dearly but sometimes I want peace - and she follows me if I hide in my room

I feel you pain op. Once your dc get to this age your evenings are gone. Our evenings went years ago anyway because youngest was a terrible sleeper.

Things we do to make it better.

We go for an evening walk just dh and I, we can do this now that the dc are older.

We go to bed ourselves usually at around 9.3pm and watch our TV in bed. We treated ourselves to a nice big smart TV for our bedroom.

We sneak out sometimes on a Saturday afternoon to do the food shop and get a coffee or an ice cream and sit in the car.

We send the dc to their own rooms to watch TV obviously not every night but sometimes.

Or get in the bath if you want some time on your own.
i used to spend hours in there.

Sorry I missed this that your dc follow you to your bedroom.

Mine sometimes do this and I’m like wtf are we all in my bedroom 🤣

Growing up my dad used to retreat to the bedroom and the whole family would follow him upstairs there be 5 of us sat on the bed chatting. Used to drive him mad.

I think I would just be honest. I (like you) wouldn't feel comfortable kicking them all out of the living room, but I think I would be happy to say 'I'm going to my room for some peace and quiet, please don't disturb me unless you are [seriously] injured."

That's a bit more awkward if you want time with your DP because they will probably think you're having sex.

We enjoy evenings with our teens. Just have to find tv shows that we can all watch, which isn’t too tricky. It’s a nice experience and there are usually evenings where they are out or at sleepovers when we get time to ourselves.