To want evenings to ourselves?

[relaxshesays]

How do you navigate finding time to yourselves when you have older children?
We have 4 one is 11 two are teens and one has moved out but comes in a few nights a week.
We would like some time to ourselves sometimes but we never know when the eldest is coming over and the other 3 are down here until we go to bed every night.
Am I being selfish to want the odd evening just me and husband to chat between ourselves?
When I was a kid growing up I was either out or in my room as was my brother.
I don’t ever remember sitting in the living room all night, every night until bedtime as that was mum and dad’s space. I’m not saying I would like them to do the same but I would like to be able to have a conversation with hubby that isn’t a family discussion occasionally.

Maybe I am being unreasonable but I do sometimes feel all peopled out and miss the days when we could put the children to bed and then sit down together and relax.

Everyone I know says their teenagers spend all their time in the bedrooms. I feel like I’m in a parallel universe on this thread, in which people’s teenagers are sitting and chatting with their parents about school and current events all evening!!
I miss the days when our lads were teens. We had some great debates when we watched the news. Well we still do, but it's in the pub these days with them instead of the living room.

You need to set some boundaries with your eldest, then.

But you don't want them around - that's the whole point. This isn't something to negotiate it's just something you need and have every right to. Alternatives is you go and isolate in your bedroom or you sendthem all out for an unhealthy meal or the pictures once a week.

If you don't have a separate living area, I think it's perfectly acceptable to tell the 11 year old and teens to be in bed by 9 and they can read or watch tv upstairs. The older one, I am guessing, is old enough to have moved out, so you can ask them to let you know when they're coming over. I don't think kids get that you need your downtime too.

or you could as PP said select two nights a week when they have to be in bed

the other thing is whether you want alone time with DP or just time away from the kids. If the latter do you go out on your own with friends or for a walk / drink / gym?

We have young children and I get my time alone by: trying to get the kids in bed by 7:30 (appreciate you can't do that), doing things on our with friends or going out for runs / walks / gym alone, doing thighs alone at home such as I will cook in the kitchen while listening to the radio or DH will go do stuff in the garden or shed.

We had similar with our DCs. Now they are older and away at uni quite a bit and I miss them! However, to answer the question, DH and I went out together sometimes, as the DCs were old enough to leave, assuming you’d be happy to leave them in charge of the 11 yr old. Or take a walk together. Or a long relaxing bath (alone!) Or take a liking for a series they hate once a week, which might clear them out of the living room for an hour or so. As a child I always stayed in the living room as my bedroom was freezing and had nothing in it but a bed and a wardrobe. Are your kids rooms set up for them to want to be in them? Desk / chair / enough electronic devices / warm in the winter?

I put on Bridgerton if I want to clear the living room.

Tell them to get out ! Dad and I want alone time,leave, hit the bricks,bounce,smell ye later!!!

Go up to bed early.
Go for a walk
Chat in the kitchen/ dining room
Go out for a drink or a meal
Won't be long before it's warm enough to sit outside in the garden.

I think if you only have one living space it is difficult.
If you have two it is ok to want to carve out some time.
Your eldest coming and going until bed time whilst not living with you might need a conversation.

Your eldest joining you with a drink uninvited when you have friends over, definitely requires one.

Can you utilise another space to be a second living space?

It’s for this reason we extended the house to have a second living area.

I do miss the 7pm bedtimes! DH and I go to bed earlier if we want time together. You need to let DC know that they can't come into your bedroom.

I find that ‘Sort your life out’ does the trick. I get the room completely to myself.

Can’t you and DH go to your room?

Or go to the pub?

you are lucky you know where they are , they aren’t out and and about getting up to all sorts , or in their rooms talking to strangers on the internet .

The practical solution is to get a TV for your bedroom so that you can your husband can have time alone there. Did you not think about this before having 4 kids, no judgement as I'm the 2nd of 4 kids....

Set a good example to your kids by setting boundaries - can you guys do picnic in your room for date night, or get the kids to do their homework / independent reading or independent time a few hours a week?

I always found the way to survive it was to make the most of the quiet mornings on the weekend!

Start talking mushy to each other or start snogging. That'll send the teens flying up to their room!

Or start talking about how cute they were when they were 3 and stick a load of videos up on the TV of them singing nursery rhymes. That should also make them hide in their rooms!

Our rule is up to bed at 9. They dont sleep at 9, but their devices get blocked apart from music. So they listen to music or read or finish homework etc..

You.are going to have to set some boundaries. I'm going to my room to read for an hour. I'm having a bath in peace. We've got friends round so you go to your rooms once you've said hello etc. Go to a quiet pub with your husband. It's fine to want space and fine to explain your needs. But you can't complain of you don't at least try and set a few boundaries.

We had enough room to make a Den (Sofa, TV and a side table!) in the bedroom and we "retire" there at about 8:30 most evenings, leaving the living room to the kids. But if you don't have room for that, or a shed in the garden you can do out, or similar then think Arlanymor's suggestion of designating a date night when the living room is out of bounds to the kids is perfectly reasonable.

Can you sit with your husband in your room? I wouldn't expect them to leave the living room.. but then I wouldn't let an 11 year old stay up until 10 because I don't think it's good for them, they need more sleep.

What your parents did was odd OP. I remember us all watching TV and hanging out together until we all went to bed.
do you have a non-bedroom room you can hangout? Garden? Go for a walk (assuming the teens will keep an eye on the youngest)?

'Eerie and uncomfortable' in complete silence sounds awful, not surprising you went upstairs! That's not a happy home.

It's positive that your kids like you and are happy in your company.

If you need time alone, go for a bath, go and sit in another room, tell them you need a quiet hour, go for a walk.

Don't wish for a home like the one you grew up in, that sounds like it was very cold.