AIBU to ask my adult son to contribute to household bills?

[Dilemmame]

I have a 20 year old ds and he's just started a new job ive got myself in debt due to him refusing to apply for uc for 9 months and has been living in the home but I have asked for some help with home bills and he's refused as he said he's gotta buy a car am I as a parent being unreasonable for asking for some rent/shopping every month?

Can you ask yourself the question 'why do I think that he shouldn't need to?' Because in most households it's a given that adult children contribute to some of the costs they help to run up if they are earning.

Bless ur heart its hard to try and reason with the adult kids but when it comes down to living in his own accoodation he will get a shock as he will have to pay bills if he got his own place he would have to pay rent other wise he would be evicted.. I take my hat off to you having 3 bless ur heart well done to you ur amazing

I left school at 16, after O levels, and started full time two weeks later. From my very first payday my mother insisted I pay 25% of it to her for my keep. I moved into a bedsit at 19 but in those three years I never skipped paying her.

My eldest objected when I expected her to pay, saying why should she pay to live in her own home? She moved into to her boyfriend’s shared house briefly, then they both can’t to live here, and each paid £200 a month, as did my younger kids when they started full time work.

ETA I was a single parent from when they were 11, 9 and 5, and was working too.

Well kids aren’t allowed to buy cars or have jobs so tell him to either shove a dummy in or pay up

I've been there. If they don't wise up on their own, you have to be cruel to be kind (to them as much as to yourself). Allowing them to be selfish and greedy isn't doing them any favours.

On one occasion, I had to spell out that my adult DC was selfish and entitled by allowing their mother to work a 50 hour week, while they swanned around doing 10 hours work yet still expecting food in the fridge, heating on whenever they wanted, able to invite friends in for snacks/drinks. It didn't go down well. And I had to ram home the message on several other occasions (and there were rows and a lot of bad feeling). But now, 3 years on, they are happily settled in their own home and regard coming to dinner at mine as a treat now.

You can do this. Sit him down and explain exactly how much rent, council tax, bills, internet, food etc costs. It doesn't sound like he actually knows all of this. It is completely reasonable (I would say vital) to charge him rent, if only to teach him more about budgeting. You could phrase this as rent, or half of all bills (and that could be ALL bills, including home insurance), or whatever works, but living in your home completely free is not an option.

He’s not a kid anymore! And he needs to learn some responsibility,
then the wifi off/change the password, log him out of any streaming (Netflix etc). Lock on fridge and cupboards. He’ll get the hint lol. I’m grateful my parents made me pay keep as it taught me life skills. Being tough is parenting too!

Found the adult freeloader

Absolutely n9thing wrong with asking an adult to contribute towards their food/gas & electric etc. Unless he's luved under a roxk for the last couple for years he will be well aware of all the price increases. Stop buying him food, even if you have to shop every day for yourself. My children are all in school still but are well aware that once earning they will contribute!

He's not a kid.

My eldest is 20 & he contributes a small amount to the household and has done since he started his apprenticeship at 17 as lost my money for him due to him earning & as for your son’s “your his mum your meant to look after your kids” comment say to him that that only applies to kids which are under the age of 18 he is now an adult and he should contribute to the household if he doesn’t want to then he needs to look for somewhere else to live. Sometimes a reality check is needed as had this with my own son when he didn’t want to pay towards the household once I told him that he wouldn’t be able to pay what I was asking for anywhere else and that he’d be responsible for his own bills, washing etc he soon changed his tune.

He's an adult
Why should he expect to live for free at his mum's expense. He's clearly been living off her whilst refusing to sort out his finances like the adult he's supposed to be. Lad should be ashamed of himself putting his mum in a position where she's experiencing financial difficulty just because he's too lazy to get off his backside and sort himself out

How much is a reasonable amount?

Dss pays £200 a month.

He gets breakfast and dinner every night but sorts his own food out whilst at work.

I feel like £400 a month is more realistic but DH just thinks I'm mean!

That makes it easy then. As he thinks he is still a kid, as his parent you still get to control his money. You will take x amount for living expenses, x to pay you back for the 9 months he was not contributing, then you can decide how much goes toward savings, car, fun, etc.

All you have to say in reply is

"I am helping my kids by asking for money" "I need it to continue to keep a roof over your head, food on the table and maintain some sanity. For the sake of the family he either pays up, or moves out. Its for his own good.

He is already benefiting from having a room in your house op, he hasn't had to save a deposit and pay for the room or food by the sounds of it, he should be grateful for this and as a 20yr old man he should be contributing to the bills of the house you graciously let him use.
He is no longer your dependant, this is the way of life, he needs to get used to it.

He should either pay what you have lost in benefits at the very minimum. In reality it is £400 per month and he buys his own food and other expenses. As he is an adult he has the adult responsibility to provide for himself.

Don’t bloody well ask him, tell him. ‘Look son, you either pay or move out’. Don’t be such a pushover.

My mother took 1/3 of my wages as keep, it was the standard rule that most of my friends paid as well, there was no arguing about it either, we had a healthy respect for our parents and knew we'd be locked out if we didn't pay our way.

We have said to our 18yr old that the first year of FT work he gets to have to himself, he can cover his phone and gym but no rent payments so he can either save for a room in a house if he wishes to live elsewhere but if he wants to stay at home after that point it will be a set amount each week which he knows what it covers, an itimised list that we shared and talked about so it wasn't a surprise.

Ask him to help you sort out your finances, list all outgoing and incoming and ask him how you can make it stretch, when he sees its not adding up he may understand better. I have two adult sons living with me who I don't charge but have done in the past when I needed it, even if just the 25% extra council tax and bit towards the bills. They understand finances and are very good at budgeting their own money now. He maybe needs to see it in black and white.

My DS is 13 and he is well aware when he’s of age and he’s earning rent will be expected - this isn’t for our financial gain but to prepare him for the real world, as soon as I was of school leaving age it was straight to work and paying my way. This is by no way saying I’m going to charge him the earth and he can stay as long as he likes and I hope he does but he will contribute as one day he’ll be a man and hopefully have a family of his own and with that comes responsibility’s - yes by all means your son should be paying towards his keep and your doing him a disservice by enabling the behaviour (I know it’s hard) but he’s not a partner he’s now an adult not a child it’s time to enter the real world!

Wow, welcome to the real world big guy!

We’ve recently had this the rent convo with our 22 year old, who is due to return from Uni in the next couple of months. A conversation raised by him as he and his gf are making future plans and are calculating how much they can save each month towards getting a place. We aren’t charging him rent, for a few reasons - we can afford not to, we know he will save as he’s good with money, and
we know that if we did need some financial help, he wouldn’t grumble about it. TBH, if he did, we’d absolutely charge him to get him into the real world!

OP - I think yours needs a few home truths, deal with it, or you’re welcome to find an overpriced room to rent elsewhere…

Padlock the fridge and the cupboards. Change the wi-fi password.
If he still wont play ball pack his stuff and change the locks.

@Namechangetheyarewatching yes its your job to look after kids. But if hes old enough to afford a car he's old enough to pay rent/help with the household bills. If he doesn't like it, tell him to find somewhere else to live

Reply that you did look after your kids, when he was a kid. He's a 20 year old man and needs to pull his weight, it's pathetic.