‘I don’t like this day!’

[Enterausernamecomeon]

Really struggling with my child at the moment.
Took her for a lovely day out today, bike ride, big ice cream and the arcades. She played games and won some sweets. As we were heading to go home, she was looking in a shop at some toys and bags, I told her we weren’t buying anything as had had a lovely day out with ice cream and had lots of treats in the Easter holidays (which she did) She kept going on and on, I was saying no and starting to get angry. She eventually came out of the shop and back to the car with me and was saying how she was not happy and this was not a good day. I find it so upsetting, she constantly wants things and I have to warn her in advance that we aren’t buying toys/extra sweets/anything today, even just a basic trip to the supermarket is stressful. Is this normal? I feel like i’m raising a spoilt child and don’t know how to stop it.
Parenting was so much easier when she was little, everything is a battle now
Please can anyone advise what you would do in situations like this?

She’s almost 8

Went to Disney where there’s so much opportunity to buy stuff, to avoid my child asking for something all day long I got a post office card just for his money, set up the app on my phone and then he knew how much money he had for the whole holiday. It was a great idea because it made him think, do I really want this? It stopped him asking me for stuff. I do this for every holiday now.

I was going to say this - just don’t go into the toy shop.

Children, for all their amazing qualities, are also master manipulators. They know exactly how to push your buttons and guilt you. You need to build your armour! My DD used to wail like a banshee in shops when she saw something she wanted. I’d spend ages trying to calm her down and reason with her, only for her to see something else in the next aisle and start over again.

I learned to be a bit tougher and once she learned that no meant no, she stopped doing it.

Completely normal to be like this. In shops - my sister taught/modelled me this - it is ok to engage with them about the stuff they like without buying it. Yes warn about not getting anything early on but then you can say 'yes that's lovely isn't it? Put it back' while keeping a nice light tone the whole time. You will be amazed how much better it is than you immediately assuming it's an argument. They generally mirror your approach. Yes of course it's exhausting that the mood of the everything is always on you, that's parenting for you.

Placemarking

DD17 can still be a little like this (she’s neurodivergent) & we have to keep reminding her of the COL. Does your DD get pocket money OP?

She would be spoilt if you were giving in to the constant pestering. Would it help if on a day out you gave her a purse with a limited amount of money in it to spend? Then if she asks for anything else you say you haven’t brought any more money with you.

DS is like this and he’s just turned 11…

I have tried taking a photo for Christmas, giving limited pocket money so he’d have to budget, save and choose, then his dad got him a Rooster card (but DS keeps forgetting to bring it with him) and I’m sure there are hundreds of other things we’ve tried! As he’s got older, I’ve started explaining that I earn a fixed amount of money and that has to pay bills and essentials first. Whatever is left gets allocated to savings and fun stuff. Once it runs out, there is no more.

In some ways I think always using cards, and DS now having his own card, has made things worse, as you just tap and get what you want… he doesn’t see the credit card bill to be paid at the end of the month, or the money draining out of my current account! On holiday recently I lost it and snapped that every time he carelessly disposes of a pound or ten (the ‘it’s not expensive, it’s only £15’ for yet another piece of shite to clutter up the house was driving me INSANE) that is hours of my working time sitting stressing about deadlines and documents, and it makes me furious to see him, at this age, with so little care for the effort it takes me to earn that money, let alone lose a chunk of it in tax etc before he even sees a £10 note. I think that might have almost made an impression… it was towards the end of the holiday so I’ll see if it lasts (doubt it).

My DD occasionally said things like this and I would say ‘Oh that’s a shame, I’ve had a lovely time. Perhaps we won’t do it again then if you didn’t like it’ and she’d go very quiet while she thought that through 😂

I think you need to develop a thicker skin, or the teenage years are going to destroy you!

I think this is pretty normal, my 6 year old will say 'worst day ever' when he doesn't get his own way about various things even though he is so lucky and probably gets too much. When in shops though if he wants something I usually say we will put it on his birthday list or that's for his Christmas list etc and he seems to accept this for the most part.

I tell mine we don't have 'extra pennies to waste' at the moment. I explain we have money, but we can't just waste money indefinitely, that it has to come from somewhere (and at other times explain where/why) and if they really want something they can have it for Christmas/birthday.
My DS has no concept of 'I ran out of money buying things I didn't really care for' so I always tell him I didn't take his money with us.
You don't say how old DD is, but brain development doesn't even begin logical thinking until at least 6, and that's only the basic concept.
Being able to think rationally, logically and with longevity is something her brain hasn't figured out yet. That's why we do it for them. And that's why they don't like it or understand it.

My DD at 7 wanted a particular expensive toy for a long time, asked for it for her birthday. She didn't get it for her birthday for several reasons. Weirdly enough, when she had enough money saved herself I suggested she could buy it and suddenly she didn't want it anymore. Because money became valuable to her when it was her own.

Your not wrong to correct her though OP. Tell her it's okay to be disappointed, but not to shout/stamp her feet/strop/keep asking. It's okay to want things and feel sad, but know when mummy says no it does mean no. It's okay to let her know at other times how fortunate she can be, but maybe not in that moment because she can't absorb it. You haven't done anything wrong, and even the most patient, calm, zen parent will get frustrated at times.
Rhetorical question, but are you perhaps subconsciously worried other people see her as spoilt/rude at those times? I will admit I do as it's a big thing for me as well. I have to remind myself in the moment that my child is going home with me and I have lots of time and future teaching moments, the stranger judging me will be long gone from my life by the next day.

She said the day was ruined because she didn't get what she wanted at the end (a toy).

You said the day was ruined because you didn't get what you wanted at the end (gratitude/understanding of budgetary constraints).

Is it possible you both need to stop retrospectively writing off a day based on what happens at the end when you're both tired and frazzled?

Also, my son used to get frustrated if I said no to something in a shop based on having already had an ice cream or similar if I didn't make it clear at the time that it was instead of something in the gift shop or similar. That's another scenario where discussing

He would (rightly TBF) argue that he didn't know there was a gift shop and he wouldn't have had an ice cream if he'd known it would mean he couldn't have a toy,

That's where having their own money can be handy (even if you just give them your budget for the day as cash they can see - doesn't necessarily have to be their own money to budget with) as they can then see what there is and choose when to spend it.

This is very true 😂

My child is 12
She regularly says things like this in the heat of the moment and it's not a new thing

I'm 41 years old, and my family STILL talk about the epic tantrum I threw at Warwick Castle at about that age, because Mum wouldn't buy me anything from the gift shop.

We weren't well-off, and a day out was a real treat. Basically, anything where you had to pay admission was "oooh! Aren't we fancy?!"

I'm sure I'd had a lovely day, but, like someone else said, little kids are fickle and live in the moment.

My DD was similar at that age as well. Always, always asking for stuff. Her brother couldn't have cared less. Fortunately, she's nearly 10 now, and definitely growing out of it.

There's absolutely no reason for your daughter to not know you can't afford things. If we haven't been able to afford something my son asks for I will be honest. Children have to learn the value of money, and actually if you genuinely can't afford it (or a child has exhausted your budget for the day!) it's OK to be honest. Encourage her to save part of her pocket money. If she spends it, then it's gone, you aren't topping it up again or buying things for her because she's spent her money!

'Oh that's a shame, nevermind' and ignore. 8-11 was horrific from memory. Don't feed the drama.

It’s not the day she didn’t like. She didn’t like that she didn’t get something from the shop.
She says ‘I didn’t like this day’, YOU try and understand what she’s really trying to say instead, and give her the words ‘oh, you’re disappointed we are not getting anything from the shop’.
This often actually solves the problem, as she feels heard, and you are helping her to focus on just the feeling now rather than to write off the whole day.
If she carries on insisting you say to yourself ‘this is normal, she’s a child - she’s allowed to ask, I don’t need to change my mind.’ So calmly and empathetically, you say ‘you really wish you had x and y. Sorry, darling’ Hug. Drama avoided as saying ‘you wish’ makes it clear it’s not happening and helps her accept it, and the hug helps her with the sadness of accepting.

You need to remember the behaviour is normal, you need to expect it, be firm, and try not to label her as spoilt etc in your mind.
She hasn’t learned to deal with her frustrations - teach her like you would with other skills, without losing your cool.

Be clear about how much pocket money / spending money is available. Set expectations, be consistent.

Do days out habitually include buying ‘things’ or do they not? Set an expectation and stick to it. What about holidays, is there spending money, a souvenir? Create a pattern, then it gets so much easier, as everyone knows what to expect.