‘I don’t like this day!’

[Enterausernamecomeon]

Really struggling with my child at the moment.
Took her for a lovely day out today, bike ride, big ice cream and the arcades. She played games and won some sweets. As we were heading to go home, she was looking in a shop at some toys and bags, I told her we weren’t buying anything as had had a lovely day out with ice cream and had lots of treats in the Easter holidays (which she did) She kept going on and on, I was saying no and starting to get angry. She eventually came out of the shop and back to the car with me and was saying how she was not happy and this was not a good day. I find it so upsetting, she constantly wants things and I have to warn her in advance that we aren’t buying toys/extra sweets/anything today, even just a basic trip to the supermarket is stressful. Is this normal? I feel like i’m raising a spoilt child and don’t know how to stop it.
Parenting was so much easier when she was little, everything is a battle now
Please can anyone advise what you would do in situations like this?

She’s almost 8

I think she's not spoiled because you say no! Good on you. It's just something she doesn't want to hear.

I voted YABU because I don’t get this. An 8 year old whines and plays up. Yes. That’s what 8 year olds do. You don’t need to feel ‘guilt’ or take it so personally. You just act bright and breezy “no not today darling, we’ll see another time…” and then escalate as necessary. Get cross if you have to.

But this is parenting. Nice ice cream days do turn into a whine-fest sometimes. They’re not you, and won’t think like you. Roll with it.

Remember back in the dark ages ( well when I was a child ) if you got a weekly comic or magazine , a "Free" Gift on the front was something of a surprise and a rarity .
When my DC were little ( they're 23 and 26 now) every week had some plastic Must Have Toy .
So when they went out , they wanted A Toy .
Sweets had been moved from the till by then so less pestering ( though as an adult I sometimes fancied a LionBar as I stood there !)

I had to say at the get-go "We're going out , today is no toys so don't even ask" if that was the case . Or "we're going shopping you can each have a small toy when we are finished "
Not bratty , maybe a bit want want because it looked exciting , they couldn;t really diferentiate plastic tat .
Like all the adverts from October in the childrens tv channels were toys that looked far better on the TV than they were IRL.

OP, I think at 8 she can get away with this. Keep on doing what you're doing and she'll stop.

I remember family days out - theme parks, gift shop etc...fab fun and then on the way home the only think we wanted to do was stop at the Little Chef. Dunno...just being kids seeing what we could get away with, not wanting the wonderful day to stop, being greedy and ungrateful little sods...we all turned out OK.

My daughter is 7 and the same

Very normal sadly it wears you down but at this age they have zero concept of the cost of things

My nearly 8 year old was very similar, its so hard when it feels a day that you put so much effort into is ruined because of the gift shop at the end! We now give her some pocket money (small amount each week) and she chooses to spend it or save it for something more expensive, its working slowly! Although we also need to learn thet its her money to spend as she wants which we may feel is tat!

We gave our 6yo pocket money each week. She can spend it on whatever she likes but when it has gone, it has gone. She is much more careful with her own money than she ever was with mine (and it’s been much much cheaper for me)

Give her regular pocket money. We give age in pounds per month. Set up a bank account with online access (for you). Explain you would like to do pocket money and give her control over what she spends it on.

Then when she wants to buy something, you say an emphatic "Yes you can buy that if you want, shall we check if you have enough money?"

Takes you out of the equation completely. Works a dream.

My 6 year old is so difficult in any shop, for example, even the supermarket she will see a bobble or t shirt she likes and literally scream her head off for it. Its taken me a while but I've now told her its absolutely unacceptable to scream in shops. She's very difficult to say no to. I think its hard for them that sometimes we say yes, and sometimes we say no. I also warn her before she goes in that were not getting anything but she still does it!

I think that you shouldn't take it personally when she says I didn't like the day. Do you think she enjoyed it? Shes hurting your pride and honestly just ignore that comment and be objective. Its like if they say I hate you, they just mean I hate this moment!

My kids often behave in a spoilt way too. But again I think this is a 90s point of view- they are loved, get taken on nice days out, sometimes get treats and sometimes don't.

FYI also think arcades are (super fun but) quite overstimulating!!

Don’t feel bad for getting upset with her - you’re human and it upset you.
My DS is the same age and I often here cries of “this is the worst day EVER”
I laugh and say you must have a pretty good life then!

Move on from the mindset that the day is "ruined" if she behaves like this at the end of a lovely day out. The day was still lovely, all days out with kids have some ups and downs.

Can she not use her own piggy bank money ? If she doesn’t have enough she will need to save up?

Yes exactly.

Do you ever buy her an unplanned little treat?

If so, perhaps that needs to stop, at least for a little while.

Inconsistency is very confusing for children and if she sometimes gets one but sometimes doesn't, she will continue to push.

She only gets to buy something if she has her own pocket money with her - that's a solid rule and you never do anything else.

Also, do you ever give in to the whinging generally?

If so, she knows that it is possible as a way to get what she wants, so will continue.

Easier said than done I know!

Do you need to be actually going in shops? Probably best avoided if you can. My DGS can be like this at times. Now it's very very rare he's taken into a shop. Unless he has money of his own to buy something small

I think honestly this is a difficult concept for a 7/8 year old to grasp.

It's a really common thing to say to children and totally makes sense why parents say it.

But they're not really able to put themselves in the situation of 'other children' that they don't know/ can't see, so I don't think it really gets through.

My boys the same (5) and I get frustrated which is more about me thinking they’ve ignored everything nice in favour of buying yet more tat.

however I have to reframe it - they’ve been taken somewhere incredibly designed to sell. It’s not designed for a good time, it’s designed to extract money from you. everything about these places form the colours and sensory overload to reduce your cognitive ability to say no to the way the shops are laid out with what’s at eye level. Even if an individual owner isn’t doing it this way they’re building on examples of what they know which willl be.

taking a child there and expecting them not to want something is unfair. I do think it’s important to try ‘inoculate’ them against it a bit but I think we need to remember the main purpose of lots of these places

Hi OP. I totally get what you mean. I had a similar situation at Legoland last week, where my kid was incredibly upset because I didn’t get him a toy at the shop on exit because the queue was about 40 mins long and we’d gone on the hottest April day for 80 years!

Crucially though, he’d wanted a toy from the beginning of the day when he first saw the shop and I said we’d get one at the end. I hadn’t predicted queue would be so long! I didn’t handle it well in the moment because I was at the end of my rope: totally dysregulated after a crazy day with ridiculous crowds, noise, queues, heat (suspected neurodiversity on my part - seeking diagnosis) He has diagnosed ADHD so (I’ve learned) feels such injustices particularly keenly. But in that moment, all I could see was a kid who’d had a lovely day, who I’d put myself out for in organising it all, who’d just had a treat he gets about bi monthly which would have been like an annual thing for me when I was a child, who was behaving like a spoiled brat. (I did end up getting him the toy afterwards online).

But your situation’s different. Your daughter hadn’t been promised anything in advance and I think this is (probably totally natural) demanding behaviour. You’ll get plenty on Mumsnet who think ever showing your annoyance at such behaviour is a no no - but I totally get why you feel like you did. I agree best way is just to stay calm, explain she’s had loads of treats already, shes a very lucky girl and she won’t be getting anything else. Rinse and repeat: don’t break or she’ll see a chink in your armour.

She’s being manipulated. Ignore.

I wouldn't have gone into a shop after a day out tbh when she was probably tired, I can't stand window shopping myself so can't blame a kid for wanting things.

Pocket money helps and a clear chat before going in that we weren't buying that day but looking for birthday/Christmas list was ok.

One of mine is like this OP. He’s 7 now and not as bad as he used to be (we used to get full on tantrums in the gift shop at the end of a day out when we said no to buying something after, like you say, an expensive day out with lots of treats already). I do have a chat with him now before a day out about what we’re doing and what we won’t be doing, and that does seem to help a bit (but not always). I think he just doesn’t handle disappointment in the moment well at all, and we also get ‘this is the worst day EVER comments’ fairly often despite the 6 hours prior to that being lovely! I think as long as you’re not giving in, and try and chat to her about it afterwards, she will get there!

'today hasn't been a good day'

'Oh well, we won't do days out with bikes and arcades and ice creams again then, no problem. Sounds like you're overtired and need a very early night when we get home'

TBH I'd be a bit concerned with this from an 8 year old. I thought you were going to say she was 4 or 5.

This has reminded me that both mine used to do this at that age. One time I’d taken my eldest out to a day out and had a lovely time then he saw a cup of pick n mix and wouldn’t stop mithering for it and ended up saying ‘this is the worst day ever!’ I was so upset at the time and felt like you, am I raising spoilt kids?!
They’re now 10 and 12 and very rarely ask for stuff at gift shops etc if we’re out. As they get older they learn the value of money a bit more and if I say not I’m not spending £20 on that they know what I mean (like a Pp we’ve had it in the past that if I said I couldn’t afford something they take that to mean we are about to be declared bankrupt!)
What has really helped is on holidays giving them a set amount of money and it’s theirs to spend on what they want but when it’s gone it’s gone, really makes think twice before buying things.
But yeah, at 6-8 it was relentless, couldn’t go into a supermarket without them wanting magazines for all the free plastic shite you get with them!

At 8 I think she's of an age where she can have regular pocket money, but also if you're going out for a 'fun' day you can give her the money you'd usually spend on her for e.g. ice-cream / a toy, and tell her that this is her money to spend today as she wishes but when it's gone it's gone and you won't be topping it up. Obviously as a parent you'd buy the ticket into the zoo (for example) and pack a lunch, but I think she's old enough that anything after that she can budget for and manage herself.