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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to refuse overnight stays after repeated bedwetting and damage?

121 replies

neutralfoxx · 18/04/2026 18:30

My husbands sister was away on holiday and didn’t even arrange proper childcare for her daughter so she ended up with us last minute which I didn’t mind. She is 10. She slept in my daughters bed and wet the bed, not only that but she didn’t take her wet pyjamas off and then sat on my daughters rug and fluffy chair in the morning so everything really stunk of urine. I was so frustrated because she has slept at our house previously and wet the bed, that time we had to throw the mattress away it was so bad. Luckily this time we could remove the mattress covers and the smell did come out. But I couldn’t get it out the rug so I’ve just had to get rid of it and the her chair. I know she can’t help wet the bed but I do think at age 10 her mum should provide her with pull-ups or something and tell her that she needs to wear them especially staying at someone’s house?! Her mum didn’t even care she just said give it a scrub, but it is impossible to get the smell of urine out without machine washing and I couldn’t put the rug in the machine or the chair. We have said she won’t be able to stay again because it’s unfair that we have to replace mattresses and other furnishings. Am I right to be annoyed? Even if she offered to replace my daughters rug I’d be happy or at least apologise and admit she is in the wrong to send her daughter to someone’s house without pull ups and she should teach her daughter to wear them.

OP posts:
AnotherName2025 · 19/04/2026 12:28

laurini · 18/04/2026 21:23

Report them? The poor girl. All you're concerned about is your bloody home furnishings. Be a responsible adult and get her some help.

And how do you think she's going to get them help without reporting the neglect to SS?

laurini · 19/04/2026 12:29

AnotherName2025 · 19/04/2026 12:28

And how do you think she's going to get them help without reporting the neglect to SS?

Yeah I mean she should report to ss

AnotherName2025 · 19/04/2026 12:32

ACynicalDad · 18/04/2026 23:05

It’s v v unreasonable to send a bed wetting child to stay at another home without mitigations and training what to do.

Well yes, of course it is, but this is a mother who booked a holiday with no childcare sorted out, so what are the chances?

Sometimes other adults have to step up for a child when those who should, dont.

AnotherName2025 · 19/04/2026 12:39

ThejoyofNC · 19/04/2026 07:08

You were already doing her a massive favour, the least she could do is provide the bloody necessities for her child. I don't understand why people are making this your fault.

Because it's about what the CHILD needs.

Her parents are neglecting her, another adult needs to step in, give her some live & guidance & get her some proper help.

BingoWingoForties · 19/04/2026 13:30

You have good reasons to speak to social services about this
-she wets the bed at 10 and will sit in it
-her mum goes on holiday without sorting childcare
-the dad having previous is a red flag to me

Allseeingallknowing · 19/04/2026 14:13

CandyEnclosingInvisible · 19/04/2026 08:21

Your niece is suffering from complex issues as a result of clear neglect from unfit parenting. Your priority is your soft furnishings. Ok.

Either you are going to help this child, in which case you buy mattress protectors and layer on waterproof barrier, absorbent padd and fitted sheet x3 like a lasagne whe she comes to stay, and have clean pyjamas laid out to change into and flannels and towels in the bathroom so she can wash the wee off before getting into the clean things - OR if you aren't prepared to help thenget social services involved when your SIL abandons her child because having her overnight and then not recognising or supporting her needs is cruel.

Bedwetting in a 10yo isn't about bladder control it is a psychological outcome of feeling unsafe, as you do when your mum prefers to go on holiday rather than look after you.

That’s harsh. I’m sore OP does feel sorry for the girl, ad des her best to help, but why should she be expected to deal with the stress and mess of it?

neutralfoxx · 19/04/2026 14:41

Gofaster2023 · 19/04/2026 08:37

Oh great. Now I don't know whether I want it to be fake and there is no poor child being treated badly, or whether I want it to be true and therefore I havent just inadvertently added elderly incontinence to someone's weird little fetish. The whole thing is horrible regardless.

this is not at all fake, I hate that people are even commenting that. Why would I make a story up about a 10 year old girl? This is very real unfortunately and yes her mother did just leave her to go to another country without any proper childcare so she was passed around to 4 different family members.

OP posts:
neutralfoxx · 19/04/2026 14:43

Allseeingallknowing · 19/04/2026 14:13

That’s harsh. I’m sore OP does feel sorry for the girl, ad des her best to help, but why should she be expected to deal with the stress and mess of it?

Exactly. I have 4 of my own children, I have enough to deal with.
i could have been heartless and not let her stay over. I do care for her, I have held that girl in my arms when she has been crying saying her mum hates her. I do not cope well with smells though so it did really top me over the edge, but I did NOT take it out on the child. I was as caring as I could be towards her.

OP posts:
neutralfoxx · 19/04/2026 14:48

AnotherName2025 · 19/04/2026 12:13

Oh ok. I took that poster at face value. I should have checked myself, sorry 🌷

what did you do the other nights she was with you?

if I was in your position I would put an extra mattress protector on the bed, as back up to your current one. Buy some disposable PJ pants & have her for more sleep overs. How do the girls get on?? (Where was your DD)

Explain to her that night time wetting isn't an issue. But explain how you want her to deal with it in the morning.

i would report to SS, but stress that for DN's protection it MUST be anonymous, obvious tell them about her father.

Edited

I stripped the mattress covers and washed all the bedding, then we bought some puppy pads and lay them under the sheets and provided pull ups and fresh pyjamas. I never ever made her feel embarrassed.

OP posts:
Enrichetta · 19/04/2026 14:49

So why is your niece wetting her bed

What is the situation with the girl’s father
Is there any chance she is being abused
If not, what is going on
What steps have been taken/are being taken to help her

Are you at list thinking about contacting SS, her GP, or her school’s safeguarding lead

BinBagDress · 19/04/2026 14:50

@neutralfoxx 6% hydrogen peroxide in a spray bottle with a drop of fairy liquid with remove the yellow urine stain and odour, it is colour fast so doesn’t bleach. It breaks the urine down and it raises to the surface from inside the foam cushion/mattress. No scrubbing involved rub it in with a microfibre cloth wait an hour blot it up, job done.

neutralfoxx · 19/04/2026 14:55

Enrichetta · 19/04/2026 14:49

So why is your niece wetting her bed

What is the situation with the girl’s father
Is there any chance she is being abused
If not, what is going on
What steps have been taken/are being taken to help her

Are you at list thinking about contacting SS, her GP, or her school’s safeguarding lead

I am thinking about reporting to SS but I won’t lie I am worried her mother would find out it was us.
I don’t want to assume anything about SA, I really have no idea. I know she has two step brothers one who lives with mum one who lives with her dad. She’s had lots of different male figures come in and out her life from her mum (boyfriends). She has been very close with some of these males in a step father sense so I imagine it has been upsetting for her when they are no longer in the picture.
I know that she only started wetting the bed a couple of years ago but tbh I thought she stopped as we didn’t hear anything else about it. Her mum was highly angry and embarrassing towards her for it and would
belittle her.

OP posts:
Enrichetta · 19/04/2026 15:04

Her mum was highly angry and embarrassing towards her for it and would
belittle her.

This woman needs parenting help as a matter of urgency. If she refuses to engage, her daughter would be better off with foster parents.

Diosmonet · 19/04/2026 15:08

She’s had lots of different male figures come in and out her life from her mum (boyfriends). She has been very close with some of these males in a step father sense so I imagine it has been upsetting for her when they are no longer in the picture

Poor little girl. Yet your OP is about refusing to let her stay over again because she wet the bed.

I suggest that there are more serious problems other than a nighttime weak bladder.

Your husband needs to step up here and advocate for his niece. Things are far from great for her and the bed wetting is a mere symptom of what she is suffering will be my bet.

YourWildAmberSloth · 19/04/2026 15:29

ImDoneOnceAndForAll2 · 19/04/2026 01:50

She had previously wet the bed, when she arrived at yours, and didnt have pull ups, then it was up to you to go and buy some.
Really not that difficult

I think that's unfair. OP said she wet the bed at least a year before - at 10 most people would assume that bedwetting is over. If OP had bought pull ups and insisted her niece wore them, even if they weren't needed, she would be accused of shaming the girl unnecessarily. It was a difficult situation and OP (and DH its his niece after all) dealt with it. Hard enough having your own DC to deal with and to suddenly have to accommodate another, without being expected to second or mind-read.

NormasArse · 19/04/2026 15:35

User086758 · 18/04/2026 19:34

Just so you know, bet-wetting in older children combined with an unsettled home life (you mentioned she ended up at yours because SIL didn't bother to arrange childcare) is a massive red flag for CSA. Along with the fact she didn't seem mortified or attempted to change clothes means that she is regularly not cleaned up after wetting herself. The adults in her life clearly never bothered to show her that's not ok to sit around in peed-in pants so you really need to question what's going on behind closed doors.

Lots of abused children only realise in adulthood that what they went through wasn't normal at all, but at the time they had no idea because their caregivers never bothered to tell them otherwise.

She may have been too embarrassed to admit she’d wet herself.

MJagain · 19/04/2026 16:02

User086758 · 18/04/2026 19:34

Just so you know, bet-wetting in older children combined with an unsettled home life (you mentioned she ended up at yours because SIL didn't bother to arrange childcare) is a massive red flag for CSA. Along with the fact she didn't seem mortified or attempted to change clothes means that she is regularly not cleaned up after wetting herself. The adults in her life clearly never bothered to show her that's not ok to sit around in peed-in pants so you really need to question what's going on behind closed doors.

Lots of abused children only realise in adulthood that what they went through wasn't normal at all, but at the time they had no idea because their caregivers never bothered to tell them otherwise.

This.

The neice needs help to realise she is being neglected and other adults need to step in to protect her. I would contact NSPCC for advice and then probably social services. This has red flags all over it

Thefingerofblame · 19/04/2026 18:05

neutralfoxx · 19/04/2026 14:55

I am thinking about reporting to SS but I won’t lie I am worried her mother would find out it was us.
I don’t want to assume anything about SA, I really have no idea. I know she has two step brothers one who lives with mum one who lives with her dad. She’s had lots of different male figures come in and out her life from her mum (boyfriends). She has been very close with some of these males in a step father sense so I imagine it has been upsetting for her when they are no longer in the picture.
I know that she only started wetting the bed a couple of years ago but tbh I thought she stopped as we didn’t hear anything else about it. Her mum was highly angry and embarrassing towards her for it and would
belittle her.

Okay, so it’s not something that she’s always had. Different to my DD then. Yes, you’re right to be concerned as to the reason why this started from 8 yo as it sounds like it’s not medical.

You seem not to have embarrassed her for doing it, but helped her get clean and move on with the day. Don’t refuse her staying, as it sounds possible that she needs lots of TLC at the moment. Just be prepared for her stays. Always act as if she’s no trouble at all - it’ll go a long way.

laurini · 19/04/2026 18:11

Yeah I mean she should report to ss

ImDoneOnceAndForAll2 · 19/04/2026 21:39

neutralfoxx · 19/04/2026 02:29

Up to us to go and buy some? Are you having a laugh. Some people on this thread are ridiculous. I’m not her mother. I by no means made me embarrassed or punished her.
i never made a big deal of it. we weren’t made aware she is a bed wetter. She had an accident over a year ago but tbh I thought it was a one off. I would have expected her mum to let us know and make sure she was prepared with pull ups or something…

Yes up to you.
She was in your CARE
Not difficult at all.... Well actually it clearly is for you

Needaglowup · 19/04/2026 23:23

this poor child and your more worried about a wet bed … shame on you

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