AIBU to refuse overnight stays after repeated bedwetting and damage?

[neutralfoxx]

My husbands sister was away on holiday and didn’t even arrange proper childcare for her daughter so she ended up with us last minute which I didn’t mind. She is 10. She slept in my daughters bed and wet the bed, not only that but she didn’t take her wet pyjamas off and then sat on my daughters rug and fluffy chair in the morning so everything really stunk of urine. I was so frustrated because she has slept at our house previously and wet the bed, that time we had to throw the mattress away it was so bad. Luckily this time we could remove the mattress covers and the smell did come out. But I couldn’t get it out the rug so I’ve just had to get rid of it and the her chair. I know she can’t help wet the bed but I do think at age 10 her mum should provide her with pull-ups or something and tell her that she needs to wear them especially staying at someone’s house?! Her mum didn’t even care she just said give it a scrub, but it is impossible to get the smell of urine out without machine washing and I couldn’t put the rug in the machine or the chair. We have said she won’t be able to stay again because it’s unfair that we have to replace mattresses and other furnishings. Am I right to be annoyed? Even if she offered to replace my daughters rug I’d be happy or at least apologise and admit she is in the wrong to send her daughter to someone’s house without pull ups and she should teach her daughter to wear them.

What does your husband think about this?
have you or he talked to SIL about this?
Are your PIL involved?

You seem very fixated on getting everyone to agree that your SIL is in the wrong. I think this is pretty clear. So what’s next? Is that all you wanted from this thread?

What are the chances? Two in a week, almost identical.

While the mother sounds pretty disorganised , you dont sound as lovely as you're making out. I get that you werent prepared this time, but now you are, you are actively choosing to cut the child out of sleepovers rather than do any minor actions that would help. I dont have kids but I have child cutlery and a wee stool for my bathroom when my nieces and friends' kids stay over. Calling other posters ridiculous for suggesting you prepare is very telling. I am also a carer for dementia patients, most of whom wet the bed through their pull ups nightly. I wash their bedding and clothes, wash the person and nothing smells so bad it's has to be binned after one accident. I think it's more likely psychological and the smell is "in your nose".

Instead of refusing anymore overnight stays I think you should try and have her more often. Your home sounds much more stable than hers. She needs a safe place.

Oh great. Now I don't know whether I want it to be fake and there is no poor child being treated badly, or whether I want it to be true and therefore I havent just inadvertently added elderly incontinence to someone's weird little fetish. The whole thing is horrible regardless.

Unless the child squatted down and emptied their entire bladder directly into the chair or rug- then you can definitely clean them.

Your poor niece. Definitely needs some serious discussion with your sister.

The mum going on holiday isn't necessarily an issue - mum not bothering about childcare, plus a 10 year old bedwetting and seeming oblivious, IS an issue. As pp have said, it's potentially neglect and/or abuse.

At one time I had family issues and wet the bed around that age at a friend's house about two times I was never a bed wetter otherwise.

I think it's worth getting a proper mattress protector for her and spare pajamas.
The things is if she feels nervous with your or that she's a problem it will make it worse

The parents sound like the problem to me though.

This, OP. Thus post horrifies me because all of the red flags you lot are ignoring.

• her mum hadn't bothered to arrange childcare for a 10yr old
• the 10 yr old wets the bed, which is a potential major red flag for abuse
• the girl thinks sitting around in urine soaked clothes is normal which clearly means noone was arsed to help her at home whenever its happened. She doesn't expect care or help.
• the girl therefore likely get a lot of 2nd hand humiliation from situations like the one that happened at your house. Her mum is making her into a kind of liability oddball and you are buying into it.
• she's only 10 so next time invite her over but get a waterproof sheet and pull ups, be kind amd understanding, show her its no big deal for an adult to take care of a child, and be there if she ever needs to talk.

It feels like theres a lot wrong in her life and if you have a crappy life, you'd be amazed at how much small kind gestures of other adults can make!

If the dad is already under social services I think you ought to put in an anonymous report just to be on the safe side as reporting possible CSA is everyone’s responsibility.

All that will do is abdicate even more responsibility from the parents. They need to step up and parent their child adequately. Report to social services for neglect

THIS.

And this:

A 10 year old wetting the bed is a sign of extreme distress. At best it is a reaction to her parents seperation, which sounds chaotic and like it's been handled very badly. At worse it could be a sign of abuse.

This girl needs help. If the mother cannot offer a satisfactory explanation and satisfy the OP that she has or is seeking help for her daughter, I would be contacting social services.

Her dad is already involved with social services regarding his other children. You have his name presumably and all the other details you need. Please phone up your local safeguarding team. The details will be on your local authority website under safeguarding or child protection. Most local authorities have a reporting line and an advice line. You can report anonymously.

Someone needs to look out for this poor little girl. Safeguarding children is everyone's responsibility.

I am guessing she was really scared or embarassed to tell you what had happened hence going around in the wet pyjamas, although usually at that age you would expect some form of awareness of personal care and self hygeine even if she is secretive about it, rather than going around putting wee everywhere.

Unless she has SEN i would guess that she has been punished harshly for it and also sounds like potential neglect if she thinks going around covered in wee is ok? Mother sounds flakey and disconnected so possible emotional/attachment issues too?

My daughter used to take off and hide wet clothes/pull ups in her bedroom and not tell us when she had wet herself or the bed sometimes when she was 6/7 even though we never told her off for wetting the bed, however now at 9 I can't imagine her ever doing that (although she is dry at night) as she would understand it is gross and feel self conscious and uncomfortable.She has ASD aswell and isn't particularly mature for her age.

I'm shocked at the hardness of these posts. The aunt has zero intention of alerting the authorities about neglect.

Your DH should speak to his sister about the bedwetting and general wellbeing. As pp have said, it is not necessarily a sign of distress or abuse, but can be purely delayed physical development. Can see GP and get referral to eneurisis clinic, and also prescription for desmopressin which can be taken on sleepovers and holidays.
Your DH should get set up with mattress protectors and encourage your niece to feel welcome to stay at your house and be part of your family if she wants to.

You’d carry your sleeping daughter to the toilet until she was 12. No disability mentioned, that is weird as fuck.

Thinking back, as she grew, it was more guiding to the toilet than carrying at that age. However, whatever we needed to do was better than leaving a child in their own piss through the night. My DD also loved waking to a dry bed having experienced the alternative. It protected her self-esteem too.

So if you still think it’s f.ing weird, well you either didn’t have a child with the issue or you were a parent that didn’t give a shit about their child having said issue. So your nasty reply has made you come across as either ignorant or selfish. That’s sad.

Oh ok. I took that poster at face value. I should have checked myself, sorry 🌷

what did you do the other nights she was with you?

if I was in your position I would put an extra mattress protector on the bed, as back up to your current one. Buy some disposable PJ pants & have her for more sleep overs. How do the girls get on?? (Where was your DD)

Explain to her that night time wetting isn't an issue. But explain how you want her to deal with it in the morning.

i would report to SS, but stress that for DN's protection it MUST be anonymous, obvious tell them about her father.

Because it's tuppence & it's for their DN. You know, family, you're supposed to love & care about. It's not the child's fault her parents are neglecting her.

Desmopressin was a life saver for us. @neutralfoxx definitely ask her mum to get these prescribed for your niece.

Using these meds (not recommended for use every night though) meant that my DD could enjoy residential school trips during her primary school years and sleepovers with friends at either our house or theirs (in yr7 and yr8) and even at her GPs as she’d refuse to go if we ever ran out of tablets.

Then one day (at 12) she just stopped completely and is now enjoying her life going here, there and everywhere without having any previous embarrassment lingering in the back of her mind.

It's not her sister, but no one us berating her for her sil's neglect 🙄 anyone berating is just concerned about how the OP's attitude came over to a little girl, but I think in her frustration she may have portrayed herself badly.

there is no reason a bedwetting child can't stay elsewhere, they just need adequate bedding & pj pants.

of course her parents should provide it, but given her father sounds like a problem & her mother not much better, another adult needs to step in & help the child. In this case her Aunt & Uncle.

Poor Bairn needs much more help than some PJ Pants xx