AIBU to refuse overnight stays after repeated bedwetting and damage?

[neutralfoxx]

My husbands sister was away on holiday and didn’t even arrange proper childcare for her daughter so she ended up with us last minute which I didn’t mind. She is 10. She slept in my daughters bed and wet the bed, not only that but she didn’t take her wet pyjamas off and then sat on my daughters rug and fluffy chair in the morning so everything really stunk of urine. I was so frustrated because she has slept at our house previously and wet the bed, that time we had to throw the mattress away it was so bad. Luckily this time we could remove the mattress covers and the smell did come out. But I couldn’t get it out the rug so I’ve just had to get rid of it and the her chair. I know she can’t help wet the bed but I do think at age 10 her mum should provide her with pull-ups or something and tell her that she needs to wear them especially staying at someone’s house?! Her mum didn’t even care she just said give it a scrub, but it is impossible to get the smell of urine out without machine washing and I couldn’t put the rug in the machine or the chair. We have said she won’t be able to stay again because it’s unfair that we have to replace mattresses and other furnishings. Am I right to be annoyed? Even if she offered to replace my daughters rug I’d be happy or at least apologise and admit she is in the wrong to send her daughter to someone’s house without pull ups and she should teach her daughter to wear them.

Personally I’d be more concerned about the reason why a 10 year old little girl is still wetting the bed , and if dad is involved with SS with his other child , sounds like a very chaotic family set up

It was a year ago, how should she have approached it?

Asked her if she still wet the bed? Asked her if she had pull ups with her? The poor child could be mortified if it had been a one off last year and she thought her auntie still remembered it.

And if she's never used pull ups before she might not know what they are or that sometimes older kids do wear them. I would imagine that any chat about getting an older child to wear pull ups should be handled sensitively and with full knowledge and understanding of the issue, and to be able to reassure them. Also a lot of people wouldn't like to step on a parents toes and have such a sensitive chat with their child.

So yes it is that difficult because first of all she had to assume she still wet the bed a year later and then after that it would be difficult to know the best way to handle it when it's not your own child.

You’re not her mum, and her mum should obviously be buying this stuff. But she isn’t. So you have to decide if you care more about punishing the mum or helping this little girl and being a safe, loving space.

I’m sorry.
There’s a product you can get on Amazon - and probably at any pet store - called Nature’s Miracle and another called OUT.
Both work extremely well for urine stains and smells.
Just follow the directions.

"My husbands sister was away on holiday and didn’t even arrange proper childcare for her daughter so she ended up with us last minute which I didn’t mind"

Well you SHOULD mind. What parent does that?? She sounds utterly incompetent.

I’d buy a packet of pull ups and give the child some love and stability for an aunt

My first thought is yo be worried about her. My daughter still occasionally wet the bed to that age. When she realised she’d come get me, we’d clean up, and she’d get reassurance. She had the gear she needed and we had medical support as it kept going.

Why does she sit in it and wait to be found? Why is your SIL leaving her with no notice? Do you think she’s being properly cared for?

Please make sure you give her live and support and don’t let hour disgust seep out as well.

So many safeguarding red flags. You have the opportunity to be the adult in this child’s life that actually helps her. I would be contacting SS and getting her to stay with me more, not less.

I dont think your original post made this overly clear.

You were already doing her a massive favour, the least she could do is provide the bloody necessities for her child. I don't understand why people are making this your fault.

Yes, I don’t think it’s necessary to throw away due to this. The other post yd - probably the same person. Which is true, 10 year old or father on sofa?

A 10 year old wetting the bed is a sign of extreme distress. At best it is a reaction to her parents seperation, which sounds chaotic and like it's been handled very badly. At worse it could be a sign of abuse.

She didn't tell you and sat on your daughter's rug because she would have been mortified. Think about how she's feeling, she won't be able to do any sleep over at friend's houses because of this.

Stop worrying about your mattress and rugs, they can be cleaned.

Start worrying about the very distressed child in front of you. Either take her to her GP or contact social services. I would also contact the school.

Bad things happen to children because people turn a blind eye.

This. You are focusing on the wrong thing.

OP, it sounds like talking to NSPCC helpline might be a good idea, if you have wider worries about how she is being cared for.

I don't beleive a quarter of these anymore

Absolutely agree with PP, there are huge red flags here for abuse, and you’re more worried about material things than this poor child.
If that was my niece she would be staying with me as often as possible and I would make sure I was a stable, safe and loving place she had in her life.

It could be extreme distress. Or it could be just bladder immaturity which is not hugely uncommon. One of my DC was still wetting the bed until about age 13 and yes it did mean they said no to sleepovers. We were given an alarm system by the enuresis clinic and eventually it either worked or DC grew out of it - not sure exactly which.
But pull ups really are not the way to go as the child needs to feel being wet.

I think the issue for that poster, was, she had escaped male DA and finally felt safe, had made her own safe place / nest only to have a man violate that by pissing over it. Symbolically as well as literally. So she was reacting to more than the physical issue, hence the strong reaction.

It makes me unreasonably annoyed by the waste of items when people say they've just gone and thrown things out because of one incident of vomit or urine. A good enzymatic stain and odour remover will definitely sort something like a rug.
Both my kids have waterproof mattress protectors as standard - they're completely toilet trained but one of them puked all over the bed not that long ago and we were very grateful to just be able to whip it all off and know the mattress hadn't been reached!
So i think you are being a bit unreasonable in that i don't think it should have cost you as much as it did, but I agree her mum should have told you she wets the bed and shared whatever she does at home to minimise the cleaning or reduce the risk of an accident in the night.

Shouldn’t that be the parents’ responsibility ? SiL dumps the child on OP and DH at the last minute, fails to alert them that she still wets the bed. Clearly hasn’t educated her DD that it’s not acceptable to sit around in wet pyjamas or made any attempt to show her how to deal with the aftermath. OP is understandably upset that her own DDs furniture is ruined as a result and you think that’s unreasonable ?

OP is also aware that bed wetting is a possible red flag for CSA but it’s not the only possible explanation so the situation needs sensitive handling to avoid irreversible fallout for everyone if she’s wrong.

OP needs to share her concerns with SiL regarding the father and ask that SiL take DD to her GP as a starting point and have a low threshold for reporting if things don’t change as a result.

My God I can't believe SIL didn't apologise!.....or even arrange childcare in the first instance!...and that she suggested YOU scrub the urine soaked items! I'm aghast at her CF-ery. YANBU!
She's clearly a selfish mum who doesn't give a stuff about her daughter or anyone looking after her😞

OP, I just feel so sorry for this poor girl, abandoned by her parents - who goes away on holiday without their ten year old DC without arranging proper childcare? Now, she is doubtless aware of your “annoyance” over the chair and rug - she probably had no idea what to do, as clearly her mother is very lacking in basic parenting skills. So the poor child was foisted on you at the last minute: she then wet the bed and didn’t know what to do next, which implies that at home, she sits around in wet clothes, which is just horrible. The kind thing would have been to have sent her for a shower and minimised the whole thing. I take it you don’t have pets - if you did, you might be a little less worried about damage and a little more ready to use one of the many proprietary remedies to neutralise urine smells and get rid of the stains. Frankly, I think you are unreasonable - if this child has a problem and is parented in such a cavalier fashion, she doesn’t stand a chance if she is then also shunned by her aunt and uncle.

Your niece is suffering from complex issues as a result of clear neglect from unfit parenting. Your priority is your soft furnishings. Ok.

Either you are going to help this child, in which case you buy mattress protectors and layer on waterproof barrier, absorbent padd and fitted sheet x3 like a lasagne whe she comes to stay, and have clean pyjamas laid out to change into and flannels and towels in the bathroom so she can wash the wee off before getting into the clean things - OR if you aren't prepared to help thenget social services involved when your SIL abandons her child because having her overnight and then not recognising or supporting her needs is cruel.

Bedwetting in a 10yo isn't about bladder control it is a psychological outcome of feeling unsafe, as you do when your mum prefers to go on holiday rather than look after you.

I think you’re being very harsh saying she can’t come again, the child obviously needs someone to love and care for her and you’ve rejected her. It really wouldn’t have been that difficult to anticipate a wet bed and a quick trip to the supermarket could have easily averted the problem.
You sound as if you don’t care much about your niece which is a shame as something obviously needs to change in her life.

That’s what I thought.