Neighbour and school lifts

[hmmmhelppls]

I know this topic comes up a lot and even featured on AIBU the show! But the experience is new to me so thought I’d ask what you think.

My next door neighbours daughter is a year below my daughter at secondary school. School is about a mile and a half away. Only two roads away. I take my daughter to school as she doesn’t like to get the bus and I’m not fussed (she uses it at other times - there’s no independence issues or anything like that) - I wfh and get back well before I start. My neighbours daughter has also joined the school so we all walk out at the same time often convoy to the school and back. It seems ridiculous. I am happy to take her daughter (no expectation that she share the load as my daughter likes to go with me and as I said, I don’t mind). Would you offer?

This isn’t a reverse, I have no knowledge of whether her daughter is the same as mine and likes to go with mum or if she’d even want the lift! She did ask, before her daughter joined how the school was and how my daughter got there in the morning. That’s the extent of conversation.

YABU - don’t offer
YANBU - offer the lift

Not paranoid, just disillusioned through experience. We used to give a neighbour’s kid a lift and it was awful, she was consistently late.

Incidentally can anyone give some tips for extricating oneself from these types of arrangements?

yabu for driving your daughter to school. I’m embarrassed for you both.

Could you go for the best of both worlds and maybe suggest that you take her child once a week and she takes yours once? Or maybe twice a week each? That way you will still get 1 or 3 days a week when it is you and your child on your own and sharing the load the other days?

Might be a good balance for your child having that time with you, and be less stressful than going with someone else each day, but still helps you both out a bit.

My stepson at age 7 had a friend who we would walk with as he was a few minutes from us and we passed his house on the way to school. It ended up with me walking his friend every day and his mum just assuming I would (I was 19 and didn't stand up for myself). I wouldn't do it again

Yes I would potentially offer but at the age your dd is i would be pulling back on lifts, only on days with really bad weather or needing to take extra bags (eg cooking stuff) as independence is so important even if you don’t mind, summer is a good time to start saying walk 2-3 times a week. Both of mine walked over 2 miles to school as did I and lifts were occasional

honestly I would offer 1 day a week you take, one day they take and then the other 3 days you do alone. Shares the burden a bit but also get alone time.

I walked my children to school until they left primary school and for about a year of it I have a neighbour’s child join us. It is change the dynamic although I don’t recall it being unpleasant at all.

I would keep the status quo, if you were my neighbour i would be a bit suspicious that you were plotting to change the boundaries after it was established and expect me to reciprocate. I loved having 10 minutes just me and DS to chat when he was that age and wouldn't have liked being taxi to my neighbour.

We carpooled. The kids are grown up now but some of our happiest memories of school are of those conversations, involving a lot of giggling and silliness. You still get lots of opps for alone time (yours stay on for activities, the others don’t etc) but that sense of being in a gang is lovely and definitely brings you closer to those you carpool with. They become like family, which for those of us living a long way from family support groups meant a lot.

Why? I used to get the school bus but my mum went freelance when I was 15 and so had time to drive me there and back for a couple of years. I have immensely fond memories of that that time and chatting with my mum in the car.

Your daughter really needs to be walking or getting the bus to school herself. Offering lifts is kind but are you prepared to do it every day of the week? To be honest, at that distance I’d be encouraging them to walk together rather than doing such a short drive.

That’s why it’s a question and not a statement. If as some people point out you want the quality time (5 minutes), then a 30 minute walk gives you even more quality time and getting in some exercise to boot.

Adding to the congested roads around schools is a questionable decision.

Why does her daughter need to walk or get the bus? What will happen if she doesn’t?

OPs child is at secondary school. I don’t think many children would want to be walked to school by their parents, and you can’t talk about certain things when other kids are around, unlike in the privacy of your own car.

Am really hoping there’s a good reason everyone is driving in convoy to a very nearby school. For environmental reasons alone I’d look to carpool - no huge chats are happening in 5 minutes, though my daughter and I do have lovely catchups when I drive her to ballet an hour away so appreciate that thought.

Mostly I would suggest they just walk to school together, but otherwise of course you should try to carpool. My daughter is ‘very’ particular about being on time though so I’d have to be super clear that we leave at 8 or whatever, with or without this other girl.

This 👆

I was going to ask if the OP could be my mum. I had to walk this distance to school in primary. Or cycle.

My daughter likes going with me as she likes to have that private space to chat - I would ask your daughter how she feels about it before you offer.

The OP is literally asking if they should invite another child into this private car, so doubt that happens.

Your initial criticism was that it should be walked, which I said wouldn’t really be something most secondary school kids would want. As you seem to critical of lifts being given to school, I gave another reason why some people would want to use the car.

It’s really not your business as to why anyone drives their child to school and wasn’t the point of the OP. People like you on this thread just can’t help yourselves. 🙄

If I told you to find a closer ballet class cos environment, you’d quite rightly tell me to mind my own business.

@CurlewKate but there are lifts and lifts - some are more difficult than others.

For example, both my kids played football so I had a regular arrangement of lift sharing to training once a week. There were 3 parents involved and we all benefited. And it was only once a week during the football season.

School is 5 days a week, and it’s first thing in the morning, a time when people often run late. Committing to give another child a lift 5 days a week for 39 weeks of the year for potentially more than 10 years is a big ask. And it’s scary to think that you may find yourself in a situation where someone’s ability to work is dependent on your goodwill.

Well I take her through to the next city 6 days a year, not 5 days a week. If it was 5 days a week I think everyone would have an opinion about that. She walks to her daily class a mile away, but we live in a city so there’s pavements everywhere.