Neighbour and school lifts

[hmmmhelppls]

I know this topic comes up a lot and even featured on AIBU the show! But the experience is new to me so thought I’d ask what you think.

My next door neighbours daughter is a year below my daughter at secondary school. School is about a mile and a half away. Only two roads away. I take my daughter to school as she doesn’t like to get the bus and I’m not fussed (she uses it at other times - there’s no independence issues or anything like that) - I wfh and get back well before I start. My neighbours daughter has also joined the school so we all walk out at the same time often convoy to the school and back. It seems ridiculous. I am happy to take her daughter (no expectation that she share the load as my daughter likes to go with me and as I said, I don’t mind). Would you offer?

This isn’t a reverse, I have no knowledge of whether her daughter is the same as mine and likes to go with mum or if she’d even want the lift! She did ask, before her daughter joined how the school was and how my daughter got there in the morning. That’s the extent of conversation.

YABU - don’t offer
YANBU - offer the lift

Aaand this is why there are so many issues with kids being entitled and unable to adapt to things. Also it takes 5 minutes max to drive a mile and a half so it’s hardly a long chat time that’s now going to get disrupted. Ideally these girls should be walking but maybe the roads aren’t suitable. Offer it. She will probably offer to do it half the time so it will help you.

What about one of you does the morning and the other picks up after school? Then its an even split and nobody feels the other is taking the piss.
I learnt a hard lesson offering non drivers a lift to and from work. All worked well until the piss taking started. Risk of being late for woek because colleague decided to wash her hair and it wasnt dry😡
Another one just needing to buy a "few bits" waited 25 minutes and she comes out with a full trolley load. Grrrrrr now I never offer lifts unless its an emergency situation

I wouldn’t offer, simply because the 1-1 time you have with your DD is too precious to throw away. You may not realise it now but that time you have with her is key to keeping your relationship with her alive as she launches into the teenage years.

If your neighbour is struggling one morning - car breaks down, sick, etc. of course you can offer. But a permanent arrangement would be a no from me.

It’s not your decision id drive my child too. The post isn’t about how to get there what form of transport

I offered a lift share with a neighbour but it didn't work out. Her DD enjoyed this alone time with Mum and didn't want my DD there.
I'd offer your neighbour the opportunity to lift share in emergencies, but actually committing to sharing can be restrictive.

This. Slowly other stuff creeps in - can you watch her just for an hour
what if your dd has a play date or an extra friend?

you’re looking to complicate your life.

FWIW, my neighbour directly next door and I have the same situation. Our kids are a year apart but we have never made any arrangement like this. Sometimes it’s the 4 of us going back and forth and you would think it doesn’t make sense. But I really love my time with my ds and I think so does my neighbour with her kids too

I’d speak to your daughter first. She might love having that 1:1 time with you and might be annoyed if it changes. Or she might not care and be fine with it.

In real life people offer lifts and it’s no big deal. On Mumsnet it’s the biggest big deal in the big deal catalogue.

Yes but if you have experienced CF friends you will appreciate why people are wary.

When my son joined his school he had no friends at his secondary but had a friend from scouts going to the new school. We take him in every morning and take his friend. After school we normally pick him up but friend walks home as they leave at different times. We do pick him up on a Friday as his mum works and have him 3.30 to 5.30 pm. Mum appreciates it and it’s a nice unwind for the week. It has also meant when we have asked for a favour eg one day at a funeral and weren’t back until 6.40 pm mum was happy for both boys to work to hers and fed him which was appreciated!

For 3-4 mins? I'm not sure the child needs to have a say. If a parent wants to do something like this, very low impact to anybody else, they do not need a child's permission.

Agree when the weather is nice, not when it's cold and dark and wet.

Walking would be more time together as well as exercise. Op unreasonable driving just over a mile.

You know for sure that the route is walkable? That OP doesn't live rurally on a road where there are no pavements to walk safely?

This would be a big fat no from me.

The amount of times we were almost late due to DS stating ‘he felt sick, knee hurt, headache, genuinely not well’ etc. To then have the pressure of getting someone else’s DC to school on time, no thanks.

There were those mornings when there had been an issue at school the previous day and he was anxious about going in. We’d have the time in the car to talk and I could reassure him before going in to school. Can’t do that with another DC in the car.

My experience of school days weren’t the best though as DS struggled hugely throughout. His best experience was during lockdown, so that tells you everything.

This.
Enjoy this time with your daughter.

I wouldn’t. Your daughter may not get on with her in the future. Also, I find that being in the car with my children can be a good place to chat openly and that may not be done with someone else’s in the car.

When I was a teen, my mum used to give a lift to her friends child who I didn’t get on with. She was one of the mean girls at school but I was stuck with her in the car and walking into school. She was a cunt to some of my friends but my mum put taking this child to school and looking good to her friend, above my feelings.

OP, my sister was in a situation like yours, and after about three months of giving lifts had to say to the other parent that it just wasn’t working for her. There would be days when she wanted to leave but other DC wasn’t ready, or other child would be waiting while they hunted for something lost - it just didn’t work, and caused far more trouble than it was worth. It’s lovely that you want to be a good neighbour, but just beware.

Why on earth do you both drive your children to secondary school when it's only two roads away?

Are these roads motorways? Potholed-ridden single-track country roads?

People are lazy. I live near a school. It’s definitely walkable from miles around but the chaos we have twice a day proves that pretty much everyone drives.

🙄

Maybe it’s a very busy route to walk.
Maybe it’s not the best area so it’s safer to drive
Maybe there are no pavements for some of the journey.
Maybe to save the child time in the morning.
Maybe to use the opportunity to chat.
Maybe the child has lots to carry like sports equipment, instruments so she wants to help her child.
Maybe they just want to. 😮

Ffs some people. 🙄😅

God forbid people have an opinion 🙄

My 10yo school is a 5 minute drive, or 15 min walk. I drive him most days. Why? It’s miserable, cold, raining a lot of the time and he has a very heavy bag. It’s also mostly uphill. I don’t want to carry a heavy bag as well. He also has a very full on day with sport and loads of physical activities. So if I can give him that 15 min of additional rest before he starts the school day then I will. We also enjoy listening to a song or two and having that little chat, sets the tone for his day. It’s a small effort from me but a big thing for him. So I will do it.

I think I would offer. When my two oldest were at primary we walked a 25 minute walk to school and used to pick up two other boys on our way. A girl moved into our street who then went into the same class as one of mine and they drove every day. Never offered my two a lift. I didn’t expect it but I knew if it was the reverse and I drove and they walked I would have definitely offered a lift.

Just last week I offered someone I barely know to take her child to a club with my youngest (by bus) because I know it will be difficult for her to get her child there and I also know the child will like it and mine gets on with hers. I just think if you’re going somewhere anyway and it won’t massively negatively affect you to have another child tag along with yours then why wouldn’t you offer?

Yes worth asking! I have a primary school run and there are six families I know well on our street who walk the same way - four of them have kids in my dc’s year! One bit my hand off to share the load of the school runs as she is a working mum like me, one shares the pick up from a sports club every other week.

One likes to do the school run personally. The others sometimes ask for a favour and will reciprocate.

i just run a WhatsApp group with the mum i share lifts with regularly so we can keep our dates in line in case of sickness/ emergency

I wouldn’t. I am mired in this shite and I swear to god I’ll never offer to help out in this way ever again 🤦🏻‍♀️