to wonder why some women push childcare onto other women when their own partner will not step up?

[caretoshare]

I have noticed this a few times. The partner is right there, sometimes even at home, but instead of expecting him to look after his own child, the childcare gets arranged with the DM or MIL.

It ends up being this system where the responsibility just shifts from one woman to another. The dad seems to get a free pass while the DM or MIL are expected to pick things up, often without much question.

I understand there can be practical reasons like work or routines. But I am talking about situations where the partner could do it and just does not. The assumption still seems to be find another woman rather than expect the father to parent.

Even when he does step up, it often still circles back to another woman. He will take the child round to his mum’s and expect her to take over, so it is still not really him doing the parenting, just delegating it.

Sometimes the partner might be a bit hopeless. But does that mean he just gets to opt out completely while other women step in. It feels like this just reinforces the same cycle. If he is never expected to do it, why would he ever step up?

I am not saying this is true in EVERY CASE.

Because this is what women are for it seems mothers, grandmothers, female friends caring for others

Because some women are daft enough to do it.

And before anyone screams 'Victim blaming', there are no victims here.

Just women making their own choices.

Because a lot of women have been socialised into believing that it’s unreasonable for a man to be expected to do any childcare.

And fail to recognise that a man who won’t look after his own kids is about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

Because, deep down, they live in fear of the dad's weaponised incompetence putting kids into A&E, or worse.

Ask me how I know.

It's because their partner won't step up!

He is so bad but they stay with him? No one can keep an eye on the DC 24 hours a day

Because they know that their kids dads are useless and their child or children will be much better cared for and have more fun with granny/auntie/friend. It's a vicious circle because then dad never gets any better, hasn't had any practice and frankly is living his best life sitting on the sofa watching sky sports. As pp said ask me how I know 🙂

So the kids have more fun with others and they learn that children are solely the responsibility of women. Fathers get to opt out and sit on the sofa watching sky sports.

Makes sense.

So why do women have so many children with useless men, how does it explain second snd third and so on children

Because they want the child to have a sibling usually 🙄

It’s because society is entirely built on the assumption that women are primary care givers, and the women who do this don’t have the agency (for a variety of reasons) to change it.

When DD was at nursery, DH registered her, and his name was down as the first emergency contact. Whenever something happened, the nursery called me.

All of the members of DD’s school PTA are women, because that’s what women do innit.

Think. If they split up and something happens to the DC while on his time, then what?

Or because they can’t think of anything better or more interesting or useful to do than keep popping babies out.

Or because they think the babies will make it harder for the useless bloke to leave.

My SIL asked us if we could have her two DDs for two nights as she had to go away. We assumed her DH was away too… nope, found out that he spent the weekend going to gigs. “Awww, he just doesn’t feel confident on his own”. And yet her (at the time child free) brother was expected to be confident / competent.

(she was also the regular breadwinner while he pursued his ‘creative’ wannabe career)

(Some) Men have no shame over this shit.

So she should do everything all the time for the DC and get other women to step in to help?

That is how to model healthy parental relationships?

I have heard this too. A friend's DP can only manage one of the two children at a time so she has to ask another women to have one of the DC as it is too much for him.

What do you propose happens instead?

Depends on their individual situations I guess but definitely not have more children with these useless men.

Yes, and a child's safety comes above any principles about fighting gender stereotypes. If a friend or family member came to me asking for childcare and I was available, I'd do it without questioning why the dad can't. You very rarely know all that goes on behind closed doors. Some of them men can put up a good front of the doting dad in public but be very different in the home.

Yep, there's very rarely one child in the family despite how shit some of the fathers are.

If the child is in that much danger, how does the mum even go and have a shower, bath or do anything? No one can keep their eyes on their DC all day and all night.

Because some women actively choose to breed with losers 😩

I know a family exactly like this. Both parents in good, full time jobs. Children age 12 and 9. Dad does not do any childcare. He moans about being left with the 12 year old on a Saturday morning when the younger one is at sport.

Mum works in a school and if the children have an inset day when she’s working Nan has to cancel her plans to care for them as Dad won’t take annual leave. He works for the NHS and has lied to his family saying he can’t get carers leave so won’t take a day off when they’re poorly (I work for the same organisation and this is a lie- I have told them this).

Basically Nan picks up all the slack, school runs, holiday care, everything if mum isn’t available. Dad will go with mum to parents evening (with nan having the kids) and then proudly tell everyone how involved he is.

I genuinely do not understand why someone would stay married to someone who they thought couldn’t keep their own child safe. Surely that’s an immediate deal breaker?

I genuinely do not understand why men have kids they don’t want and don’t want to be involved with in any active sense. I mean, why? Wouldn’t life be easier to just, not?