to wonder why some women push childcare onto other women when their own partner will not step up?

[caretoshare]

I have noticed this a few times. The partner is right there, sometimes even at home, but instead of expecting him to look after his own child, the childcare gets arranged with the DM or MIL.

It ends up being this system where the responsibility just shifts from one woman to another. The dad seems to get a free pass while the DM or MIL are expected to pick things up, often without much question.

I understand there can be practical reasons like work or routines. But I am talking about situations where the partner could do it and just does not. The assumption still seems to be find another woman rather than expect the father to parent.

Even when he does step up, it often still circles back to another woman. He will take the child round to his mum’s and expect her to take over, so it is still not really him doing the parenting, just delegating it.

Sometimes the partner might be a bit hopeless. But does that mean he just gets to opt out completely while other women step in. It feels like this just reinforces the same cycle. If he is never expected to do it, why would he ever step up?

I am not saying this is true in EVERY CASE.

I'm afraid this might be the core reason.
❤️
I do despise men, though.

They won't be risking their lives, body, mental health, career or lifestyle by having a kid. They get to have unprotected sex, zero risks, and if they do less than the bare minimum as a parent society will applaud them for being 'amazing' or 'hands on'.

They can discard their wife/girlfriend, be a deadbeat and another woman will happily date them.

The men who actually want a kid want one like a child wants a puppy.

OMFG yes, this is my sister in law all over (well BIL's wife). BIL is completely useless, tiny kids running round doing massively unsafe things (youngest nearly dragged a flat screen TV down on her own head a PILs recently). He just sat there while I leapt up and stopped his child being crushed to death.

I snapped at him to parent his own child and said she could have literally died if it had fallen on her. Got death stare and frosty silence from SIL and MIL after that at the mere suggestion it wasn't my job to monitor his kids while he lounged on the sofa 🙄

I suppose it depends - a) like @caretoshare says, don't have more children with them, for a start, b) if the other parent is a danger to the child(ren), take whatever legal steps are needed.

Like other have said, the dad won't step up. Or if they do, they will require something in return. The option is to do it alone or recruit people around you which tend to be women.

Why they had children with losers is another question and the answer can be quite complicated.

And having a useless father is beneficial to the child how?

Men want children. They benefit from having a family and they love to talk about them. And they can get away with not doing any of the work cause women in general crack first and will not neglect their children.

I don't think they think that far ahead.

There seem to be a few threads recently from people tired of being expected to do childcare (grandmothers mainly and one from a friend, I've seen). It looks like women are tired.

What I think is that even in this day and age there are too many men not willing to do their fair share of parenting; some lie, some change, some were never willing to do it from the beginning. I actually think less women are settling for unsatisfactory men hence the birth rate is down. I think more men will step up or be left behind especially if more women pull back their time, energy and resources from filling in from them.

Because they want it be like the 1930s where the dads didn't have to anything and children were seen and not heard.

Yes I am sure there were some amazing involved fathers in the 1930s.

I always found it odd that if I was away for the weekend, my mum and MIL would always say “oh tell DH we’re here if he needs us”

when he went away (far more frequently). Tumbleweed. Crickets. Nada.

I mean of course they’d have helped if I asked, but the offer was always actively put forward when the shoe was on the other foot

Yes, exactly so then they shouldn't be more concerned about their child having a sibling than the fact their own partner is a useless piece of crap

Literally couldn’t put it any better. Could never be my life! Most women are just pushovers, that desperate for a baby they’ll have one with any tom, dick or Harry! My husband parents his child, just like I do. It’s that simple.

I don't think this is actually true. The more educated women are, the less children they have and the birth rate is going down. I think women have never been pickier but the pool of men is still the same and some lie, or change after the baby is born. Not to say, thee are no women actively picking losers - some do as always has been and always will be.

I think it’s actually the feckless dads pushing childcare onto women.

Internalised misogyny. It isn’t a man’s “job” and the bar is so low for the vast majority of men that they’re excused by their wives and mothers.

I would absolutely threaten him with divorce. THEN how would he manage?

Certainly not all men. We had three, and sometimes I had to go away with work for a night or two when they were young ie 2,4,6. DH looked after them with no family support and survived. What I did see was the difference in parenting styles though. When I had them I would play with them some of the time but also encourage them get on with things themselves while I did other things around the house but keeping an eye on them. When DH looked after them he was full time child entertainment officer/playmate. The kids loved it, he was exhausted. 🤣 Multi tasking is not one of his strong points, but at least he focused in the important task!

My DD wanted two children. She didn't want different dads, or a blended family. He wanted a boy, so my DD had a second, tbh, it gave her the strength to end the relationship. He parents ok, as a very part time Dad, with no actual responsibility. She, or we don't need him to be anything else. The children aren't suffering. They have a much better life than the majority of the children from two parent households, in their classes. Perhaps stop putting women down that you seem to know nothing about? Do the women who are nearly 40 having babies to near 50 year olds, think about SN/disabilities and their own joint aging? From these threads they don't and being middle class doesn't make the risks any less. Nor do the ones who have one child and then have a blended family, unmarried and without their partner adopting their eldest. You can't force someone to step up, so you ask for help. But tbf, it's why I didn't understand the hatred for Amanda on Motherland and not Julia, who was happy to put her Mother in a early grave over childcare.

I’ve seen this mentioned before, recently I was at a family party- 3 sets of grandparents, 6 couples and 10 children aged 4 weeks - 11 years old. I watched the dynamics and tbh all the couples were dealing with their children either a child each or taking in turns except 1 couple where the dad did nothing and grandma assisted her dil with the three kids. So 1 out of 6. Whereas i would bet 30 years previous it would have been almost all the females dealing with the kids.

He would still take them separately, or she has to accept that there may be accidents and they both get put under a plan. Which would result in him having in writing he doesn't have to have both.

Certainly not all men

That is why I said: I am not saying this is true in EVERY CASE.

I guess if the dad can’t or won’t look after the kids, they still need someone to look after them. Asking another man would probably bring up a bit of shame that the woman’s partner is a useless dad. Plus, unfortunately, we have to be careful about leaving kids with lone men ☹️

I initially read this and thought, I don’t know any men like that in my social circle fortunately. And then I started to remember a few examples and realised that maybe it’s more common than you think. I also think a lot of it will be down to how their dad was - I say this because my Dad is a very hands on Grandad, was fairly good when we were kids too, and when I look back my Grandad (his dad) was a real hands on parent and grandparent.

My sister married a man within 2 sons that he barely sees. She has commented recently that when they do come to stay over, he fucks off out for most of the entire weekend without even checking if she minds having his kids (she also has her own child from a previous relationship). Apparently then he complains when the kids don’t want to come and visit…. Can’t think why they don’t want to?! I remember she asked me if I could pick up her daughter to take her to school when I was taking my youngest. I agreed even though it added extra time on, which was extra time I had to work at the end of the day (I don’t think she realised that I was taking time out of work to take mine to school so any detour was a pain). Anyway, I got there - her husband was at home. I asked her why he hadn’t taken her to school, she replied “oh it’s because he’s working”. I told her then I was also working, and it was taking the piss to expect me to take time out of work when he couldn’t or wouldn’t. We had a reciprocal arrangement for after school where we collected both kids from school (I did 3 days a week, she did 2) - every single time I was sitting waiting an extra 10 minutes bare minimum for her daughter to come out, because she would be dawdling, chatting to friends etc. My sister worked part time so her working day was done by 1pm, whereas I was having to make the time back up at the end of the day. Anyway, I digress. So afternoons we alternated - but she wouldn’t ask her husband to drop her daughter to school she’d rather ask me to have to drive out of my way to fetch her and take her. I actually told her I wasn’t doing it any longer. If he was at home, he could take a break to take her in

My husbands an arsehole, and isn’t great with the kids. But I have left the kids with him for me to go out/away with work/run errands etc and never once worried that the kids might end up in A&E, not fed, etc. he was very hands on when they were babies until around 3/4 years old. I found from that age upwards was when he lost interest and patience in them sadly. But it still wouldn’t be expected we find someone else to look after them if he was at home!

I think we have to remember that people don’t come to these boards to talk about how wonderful everything is. So when we see post after post about terrible husbands/fathers, it can seem like it is most men. I like to think it’s a small snapshot and actually the good ones aren’t being spoken about because there’s no need to write a post about it.

Yet they still stay with then, in some cases producing more DC who in turn think it's the done thing and copy the same behaviour.

That's where the vicious circle needs bringing to end.