to wonder why some women push childcare onto other women when their own partner will not step up?

[caretoshare]

I have noticed this a few times. The partner is right there, sometimes even at home, but instead of expecting him to look after his own child, the childcare gets arranged with the DM or MIL.

It ends up being this system where the responsibility just shifts from one woman to another. The dad seems to get a free pass while the DM or MIL are expected to pick things up, often without much question.

I understand there can be practical reasons like work or routines. But I am talking about situations where the partner could do it and just does not. The assumption still seems to be find another woman rather than expect the father to parent.

Even when he does step up, it often still circles back to another woman. He will take the child round to his mum’s and expect her to take over, so it is still not really him doing the parenting, just delegating it.

Sometimes the partner might be a bit hopeless. But does that mean he just gets to opt out completely while other women step in. It feels like this just reinforces the same cycle. If he is never expected to do it, why would he ever step up?

I am not saying this is true in EVERY CASE.

Do single parents not shower? Parents who have a partner working away? It's not quite the same as leaving a child for several hours is it?

The single parents are not living with the children's father who is a danger to them I presume.

In my case I had my children very close together so it only became apparent when I got myself together enough to actually be ready to be out and about without them. My marriage never recovered because I resented his lack of engagement so much. He was essentially a very lazy man. I left him of course.

In my experience, it’s because the women have also accepted the lie that children are womens work, if a man is prepared to “help” look after his own child(ren) he’s impressive, not just standard.

And women who believe this have been taught it by their own parents, men who don’t think they are responsible for their child’s care have been raised that way too, so mothers and MILs are the obvious ones to ask, they’re the reason couples believe this shit.

Many women have chosen to avoid procreating with useless men. And now we (society) have a problem because not enough babies are being born.

And apparently a loneliness epidemic too. When women have education and freedom they do choose better/choose themselves.

However I would say we are not having enough babies to prop up a corrupt Ponzi system that is entirely unsustainable. If women all over the world had full control over who they wanted to procreate with/if anyone the birthrate would be even lower! Perhaps in time though it might course correct as a better crop of future men would be born.

Yanbu!!!

I have a friend who's always asking me to have her DC for this or this. But where the fuck is her husband!? He's usually at work but won't leave early or adjust his schedule for children at all (he has a very flexible kind of job). I'd never dream of doing this unless an emergency or last resort, we always cover our own childcare things between us wherever we can, am I fuck going to do it for other people when there's a perfectly capable other parent there who won't make arrangements for their own child. She would expect me to leave work to look after her child before she would her own husband, who is their father, because I'm a woman.

She'll then say 'oh I suppose I'll have to take them with me then'...or maybe just ask your husband to do it?

The majority of dads I know really aren't like this, but I can think of one. The husband of a school mum friend, she always moans he never helps and they are the type when one child gets a party invitation the whole family turn up, as he can't possibly be left alone with the children or take one to a party by himself. Really annoys me.
Every other dad in my friendship/family circle are perfectly capable, including my own dad who will also have my child for me if needed.

I appreciate you said not all men in your post. I was just trying to show an example of that when all the other posts had been of negative experiences - and that I reckon part of the issue is that most men (not all 😄) are not good at multitasking so often prioritise the thing that matters most to them. Which might not be childminding!

A woman posted on here today that her husband has just left her and their kids as ‘he can’t cope with the kids’, and the thread is full of people defending the husband and blaming the woman.

I have read a few times about husbands who can't deal with the kids as soon as they get home from work as they need some down time first.

Because some women have so little respect for themselves, that they will tolerate incompetence from a parter , rather than making them share the load.
mother martyr!

If only that was an option for us women, hey!

You train the men!

leave them in charge for a small amount of time and increase it.

it worked for me. Practice breeds competence and confidence.

Obviously, it won’t help if he’s an abusive selfish twat though.

Yes, I can't understand that either.
My husband always minded our kids, I wouldn't dream of sending them to somebody else's house and leave him at home watching tv.
I think we would both be too embarrassed to admit a grown man can't mind 3 kids

This happens so much and once you are attuned to it you can literally see it happening in public.

We went on a week's holiday at Easter.

First example-

On the plane, we were sitting DS1, DH, DD2, the aisle, then me. Next to me was a woman with 2 seats, she had her plus an 18m old baby/toddler on her lap and a DD of 5 in the window seat. We had booked our seats to be together so I couldn't move as DD2 needed me nearby. The other woman's husband was in a seat in the row behind. Who travels and doesn't book 3 seats together for their 2 young children and both parents? Or - if it's an accident or no seats spare, what kind of dick sits on his own instead of either taking baby in the single seat or letting mum sit with baby in the single seat while he sits next to DD in the double seat?

He watched two films and had some food. He had a lovely time.

Meanwhile, I was helping his wife reach for snacks for her DD, getting her some water, as the baby obviously went to sleep on her; then her DD went to stretch her legs in the aisle and played with another little boy who was flying with his mum. The mum of the second boy did a great job of amusing them both as they played with some toys, she stopped them both getting raucous and was lovely.

But at the end of the flight - THREE women had stepped in to do this dickhead's job, including his wife. Because we don't sit by and leave a child to struggle.

Second example - on the holiday me and DS did a trip that involved some historical remains then bathing in a hot spring. Really nice. Another family were there - with kids about, DS4 and DD2. Delightful children. From overhearing their chat she was something like a biologist or pathologist and he was a lawyer. Again mum sitting with all 3 of them on the coach, dad had a nap in the single seat. He looked absolutely gorgeous- incredibly well groomed, absolutely ripped, designer clothes, carefully shaved beard, clearly spent HOURS each day in the gym to get like that. While she...was great but looked like a nice, pleasant normal mum of three. Healthy but not like a gym bunny.

I always feel a bit suspicious when it looks like one half of the couple has significantly more free time than the other.

At the hot springs they told us we could put mud on our skin and it would be good for the skin. Lo and behold, mum was on changing the kids, getting them ready, testing the water of the hottest pool as it wasn't really good for very little ones... I offered to just guard the 2 year old for a second while she helped the braver older boy climb into one pool. It was actually all mildly dangerous for them.

Where was dad? Well, as I had mentally predicted when I heard about the mud, he went straight in, got all covered in mud all over his buff ol' muscles, and was wading around in the water. Literally as if he had come there on his own. He was just...there.
Next to the family, but not of it. Obviously with 3 young children there is a constant "mum! look! where is my sock? I'm hungry! Mum!" etc etc. In the 5 hours we were together I didn't see him respond to a single one of those.

Oh yeah there was once he spoke to his 2 year old daughter. She was whinging a bit and he told her to shut up. But didn't actually help her or distract her or do anything with her.

Not all men but some men.... and you can see them everywhere.

You can tell im a cynical old Mner cos when i saw Ben Shepherd on This Morning and them talking about his Mens Health cover everybody was wow what an achievement which it is of course, whereas my first thought was Wonder if his wife gets the same amount of leisure time

I kind of hope lovely pathologist woman who took her 3 children to the hot mud springs at easter and is married to a gorgeous but childish guy is on mumsnet. please tell him to get stuffed.

I'm not sure why. I remember my dh's cousin telling a story of how he had to take his son to Tesco to have his nappy changed by his mum. His wife had gone shopping with her mil. She too was laughing at the story and was surprised when she asked if dh would have done the same. Not a chance would he have. He isn't an idiot and can take care of his children (dh has been an equal parent from the start). I would have gone apeshit if he had dared. She has had 2 further children with him. Her mum has their children 3 days a week whilst they go to nursery another 2 days. Sickness is covered by her mil. This is an educated women who works as a lawyer.

My own sibling is an educated woman who's dh just doesn't step up. He pats his kid's on the head aimlessly as you might do a neighbours dog. He has never changed a nappy, done a feed or woken with them overnight. He does put his eldest to bed now he is school age and plays with both. My mum is the one who steps in to do everything else. She gets tired and ratty but won't say no to my sister. She does like to be needed and this feeds into that.

Another sister seems to think that in the end it always falls down to the mum anyway and as she likes things done a particular way she believes the bulk of childcare will fall to her. She has no children as of yet. We were raised by the same parents. I have a very different mentality and reality.

My brother is a hands on dad and always has been. His kids are very much wanted and is able to anticipate their needs as well as his wife.

My fil said dh ought not to change dd1s nappy and should pass her to my mil if I wasn't home. He turned around and said that wasn't how we were raising our family, eventually I'd be back to work and he would be doing it anyway and what if my mil wasn't in? He wasn't going to leve her to get nappy rash and more importantly it wasn't mil's responsibility. Mil didn't offer to do nappies it was fil volunteering her. He told his dad she was his child and he was capable of looking after her in any which way she needed. They came around to his way of thinking and commended his parenting but I never got the same praise for essentially doing the same.