Aibu to beg him

[heidi696]

my Boyfriend and I seem to be in this horrible cycle: he does or says something that upsets me. I try to explain. He disappears and won’t talk. The longest he left me on read was 48 hours. On Thurs night he upset me and I snapped. He ignored me despite me messaging him all day today asking can we talk. He eventually texted me this evening and I tried to talk to explain. I suggested we call but he didn’t want to: so it was all on text. Then I thought we were just talking and he suddenly to my mind anyway takes offense and says he is not talking any more: I say please don’t disappear again please stay. I end up humiliating myself and calling him about 5 times and texting him please stay. But he won’t. I hate myself that it makes me so upset that I lose control. I don’t know how to make things better between us. The ignoring thing just drives me a bit crazy/ my ex used to do this for days / weeks on end and it triggers me . I’ve told him this before and he said he will try. But whenever ther is any kind of conflict he does it again. And the cycle repeats. I hate him for doing it but hate myself more/

This is no way to live. Just end it.

Throw this one back.
Not a winner.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. You deserve better.

He loves it, the control and how desperate he can make you. You need to get some dignity and self esteem. I’m not trying to be mean, honestly. But each time you do that you are playing straight into his hands.

How old are you OP? I’m not meaning that as patronising more like I can see this in myself when I was younger and worry that if you keep going with this relationship it will escalate. It’s controlling behaviour. Putting you in you place. Please don’t let this man treat you like this x

This is no way to live , a relationship that is meant to be should be easy , no games ,no messing about , mutual respect , kindness.
You aren't describing this ,you should move on and absolutely no way should you be begging anyone for anything, have some self respect.

Yeh probably the advice I would give too. I really like him though. Most of the time. I wish I could control myself. And not let the ignoring bother me.

I know. I honestly hate myself so much right now.

Change your phone number and move on. You will regret this relationship.

I know. I honestly hate myself. So much. I’m not young either so I should be able to control myself and walk away and let him sulk.

Please take the advice everyone is giving you - dump him and don’t let anyone treat you like this again. Try and improve your self esteem so it’s not a difficult decision.

He knows this triggers you and is using it as a means of control. Do what he says or he’ll ignore you. It’s abusive and certainly not a sign of a healthy relationship. I can guarantee if you played him at his own game and started ignoring him he would be much more likely to want to talk to you. But really, who has the time for such stupid games? Find someone who can communicate like an adult and doesn’t play on your insecurities in order to control you.

I feel if I was “stronger” he wouldn’t do it so much. I get so upset and desperate and hate myself for being so stupid. Like I really hate my stupidity and weakness.

Look up trauma bonding.

I strongly suggest you get therapy to work on your self esteem - you are being abused. A man that loves you would not treat you like this.

My ex was exactly the same. He was also jealous and insecure, and was cheating for the duration of the relationship. These things tend to go hand in hand.

”He ignored me despite me messaging him all day today asking can we talk.“

Why are you doing this?
It’s not normal behaviour, it’s not healthy, it’s not love, it’s ridiculous.
Just stop!

YABU for putting up with this dickhead. This is emotional abuse. He sounds like he doesn’t even like you. Dump him immediately and get a new phone number and a new vibrator.

Ok. Any tips how I can stop. I try. I need to. I want to.

It isn't normal for a caring partner to purposely upset you like this.

It's not your fault.

End this relationship before it damages you beyond repair.

You deserve better

He would do it regardless
He’s a nasty, controlling dickhead

What is it you like about him?

I would love you to just completely cut him off, ignore him and treat yourself better

Maybe some time on your own woukd be good. You deserve a lot better, do not settle for this shite

He is an abusive manipulating cynical excuse for a human being. You are possibly insecure and lacking in self respect, but that doesn’t mean he gets to bully and berate you.

Walk away from this toxic poisoned and damaged man.

Once you have done that, look for ways to improve yourself respect.

You are worth so much more.

Just dump him, he will start another game

Block him.
And choose not to stay in any contact at all.

It's sad that you keep repeating that you hate yourself. Would you consider therapy? You need to learn to be much kinder to yourself. Could you prioritise that? If you can learn to treat yourself better and more kindly it will rub off on others.
Meanwhile, put this guy on the back burner for a while.
Good luck.

I had one like this many years ago @heidi696. I didn’t move on until I got very, very angry. I got angry because he told me that when I was pouring my heart out to him over the phone, he was desperately trying to stop himself from laughing.

Imagine this bloke reading your texts and laughing. Thats probably what he is doing. Sniggering to himself. Angry yet?

You sound like a classic anxious (you) and avoidant (him) pairing, with both of you at quite extreme ends of the scale.

I don’t know what he’s doing to upset you so regularly and whether it’s incompatibility or abuse, but the basic issue is that you are trying to change the person you’re with when the repeated evidence is that they aren’t going to change.

Healthy people with good self-esteem and confidence that they can find another, more suitable, partner will walk away from incompatibility like this.

The fact that you don’t, and that you repeatedly chase him when he’s ignoring you, suggests your self-esteem is low.

What you need to do is get out of this unhealthy relationship and spend as much time as it takes (may be years) working on your self-care, self-confidence, understanding of your patterns and understanding of what healthy relationships look and feel like so that you’re ready to back yourself the next time you meet someone who you are interested in.