Aibu to beg him

[heidi696]

my Boyfriend and I seem to be in this horrible cycle: he does or says something that upsets me. I try to explain. He disappears and won’t talk. The longest he left me on read was 48 hours. On Thurs night he upset me and I snapped. He ignored me despite me messaging him all day today asking can we talk. He eventually texted me this evening and I tried to talk to explain. I suggested we call but he didn’t want to: so it was all on text. Then I thought we were just talking and he suddenly to my mind anyway takes offense and says he is not talking any more: I say please don’t disappear again please stay. I end up humiliating myself and calling him about 5 times and texting him please stay. But he won’t. I hate myself that it makes me so upset that I lose control. I don’t know how to make things better between us. The ignoring thing just drives me a bit crazy/ my ex used to do this for days / weeks on end and it triggers me . I’ve told him this before and he said he will try. But whenever ther is any kind of conflict he does it again. And the cycle repeats. I hate him for doing it but hate myself more/

On Thurs night he upset me and I snapped.

Obviously you need to explain this.

What did he do to upset you?

How often are these things happening?

And his exactly did you ‘snap’?

When you say you “snapped” what does that mean?

This. He's not sulking. He's amusing himself at your expense. He's loving it. He's a troll and you need to chuck him back under his bridge.

As per another pp. I bet you my house that if you turned the tables and ignored him, he'd be right chatty all of a sudden.

I feel we are all skimming over the bit when you say ‘I lose it’… or lose control…before he withdraws. what does that mean? Are you screaming at him? Insulting him? Is he withdrawing because you are being abusive? And then you are harassing him repeatedly to try to force him to come back? I would like more clarity on what is actually happening…

Well, maybe, but the whole relationship (such as it is) is very unhealthy and it's hurting the OP.

Best not to examine all the whys and wherefores. Let it end, and remain ended.

Please don't hate yourself. He knows exactly what he's doing.
You really are worth than this twat.

thank you everyone it is helping me to understand better. It’s been a very long time since I had sex or a relationship and I met this guy and really fancied him and unbelievable to me he fancies me a lot. Sex is amazing. I never experienced sex like it. It’s hard to walk away from that when I used to think I would
never have sexual again it had been so long. But then these disagreements started happening. Some of it is my insecurity but a lot is that he can be disrespectful or just doesn’t think about my feelings or maybe I’m too sensitive: but honestly no, a few times he has been disrespectful and uncaring. Then this ignoring started. And it wrecks my head: I have had a lot of therapy and thought I was ready to meet someone. But obviously I’m not. I’m thinking I’m destined to be single. Forever: maybe it’s better for me. But it’s hard to let go and accept that.

OP I don't think you need to remain single.
Just find a nicer boyfriend next time.

No I can honestly and truly say I am mostly respectful. The odd time I snap: like on Thursday it was a disagreeent as I was waiting for him to tell me if we were meeting on Saturday and he said goodnight so I had to ask him and he said he didn’t know yet and I snapped and said ok maybe another time then as I don’t want to be left with no plans for the weekend. He took offense at this . Tonight he says it wasn’t his fault it is that his car might not be fixed in time. But he didn’t say this on Thursday. He don’t explain: when I said this he flew off the handle and said I was calling him a liar - I wasn’t! I was trying to understand. So I am not abusive or mean. He gets fed up because I want to talk. Even writing that down gives me pause for thought: I said to him how can we have a relationship if you keep running away and disappearing. It don’t help tho. He still disappeared and won’t speak to me now. I did phone him which was atupid as he would not pick up and then I felt worse. I texted him please about 7 or 8 times.

OP
Enough already

So you know you need to end it. And it sounds like you don’t live together. Anything practical to stop you from blocking him? That would be the surest path forward.

Emotionally how to get there: ideally a trusted irl friend that you tell enough to that she hates him for you. What you’ve written here would do it. Tell her you want to end it and block. Get her help with writing a short message. Send. Block. Do not wait for a reply, that’s important. Block everywhere. Ask your friend to keep you accountable and check in you’ve not messaged him again. Ask her to call / text at the times of day you’re most likely to feel emotional and miss him. Get your favorite food / film / music / bubble bath ready at home and arrange to meet up or call other friends throughout the next week. Distractions and busyness for a few days, and lots of comfort things at home.

It’s brutal because you desperately want him to understand how much he’s hurting you and you think if you can just explain it to him he’ll change. You see the good in him and you know you wouldn’t intentionally hurt him so you think surely he wouldn’t intentionally hurt me. You’ve tried so hard and searched for ways it could be your fault and ways to manage him better. Sometimes he’s nice so that gives you hope there’s a way to avoid the horrible parts. He knows already how much he’s hurting you. He’s choosing to not meet you half way or engage in those conversations where you try to build understanding. He won’t respond to more explanations and he won’t stop hurting you.

I’m sorry. I know it hurts like hell but cold turkey is the best option for this kind of relationship.

This sounds so toxic. End it.

It's not really about controlling yourself, it's reacting to the way he treats you. Sometimes people like this can make us feel 'wrong footed'.
I would like to add too any relationship that has you hating yourself is no relationship. He's supposed to be your partner, someone on your side, someone who has your interests close to heart and someone who you can actually sit and talk to if he's upset you - same if you upset him.

As people love to say on MN, throw this one back! Take good care.

Come on.

You're not young, you know he's not the last man on earth. You know there are plenty more out there?

why are you doing this to yourself? Why don't you believe you're worth more?

Thats abuse. Tell him to fuck off and block his number. You deserve someone that treats you better ❤️

In the gentlest way, you are coming across as really unattractive.

This whole constantly begging him and acting needy about when you’re meeting is really off putting for people.

He starts speaking to you when he wants sex but otherwise he’s not interested.

Stop letting him call the shots.

If you were planning to meet on Saturday and he still didn’t know but you needed to know so you could make plans with other people - then do that instead.
If it means that he was free on Saturday but you had already made plans then tough luck, he’ll just have to see you on another day.

Why are you constantly waiting on him and needing his approval.

Do you have any friends?
You need to keep really busy.

Delete his number and all of his messages, call logs etc so that you can’t physically text or ring him until he contacts you.

Please stop acting so desperate because you are being really unattractive to him and he already doesn’t deserve you as it is.

Even if you are enchanted by his good qualities and the sex is great , it is too high a price to pay for loving someone and the way he is treating you is horrible. And he is doing it deliberately .
If you have a loving heart it is hard to imagine someone taking pleasure in hurting you . There is simply no way forward with someone like this and the way he is choosing to treat you and cause you pain .And manipulating you .
Some things are so bad that you can't overlook them.
There is only more grief and desparation ahead unless you can have the courage to let him go .
Years ago I read a book called "Dating the divorced Man" It clarified for me that some things are dealbreakers and you simply can not overlook them even if the rest of the relationship appears wonderful.Which it can't be when it is causing you so much pain .

If you should be able to control yourself - what's stopping you? Not having a go, it's a serious question. What is it in your interactions with this man that you can't walk away from?

@heidi696 of course YABU to beg him!

You told him how you were treated previously - I’m assuming because you didn’t like it! He knows now your weakness / hatred in relationships so he’s going immediately to this to hurt you.

Stop being so desperate and tell him to f-off!

Start over with someone else, at some-point, and don’t tell them how you were treated badly in previous relationships.

Thanks everyone the urge to message has lessened a lot after reading all your messages, I will be strong today

I agree with this. It is genuinely difficult to tell from these posts if someone is being abusive (we are only hearing one side and very limited information). But what is clear is that this isn't healthy and the patterns of behavior that are being exhibited are not going to serve the OP well in any relationship, so working on oneself first is absolutely the best advice.

Honestly block his number and walk away OP.

Spend your time and energy working on yourself before you think of another relationship, nothing should be this hard.

I expect he ignores you because he can’t be doing with all the constant messages, overthinking and endless talking you want to do. Men are simple creatures and don’t want all the drama.

He doesn’t sound a good match so I would end it for both your sakes. It just sounds exhausting.

Wouldn't you rather be single than deal with shit like this?

Every time I read a thread like this I wonder if the poor OP has started dating my ex husband.

This is no way to live OP, PP above who said this is too high a price to pay for the good times is correct.

Please try to find the strength to leave him before he destroys you completely.