AIBU to feel upset after seeing school mums out together?

[Advice943]

Went for dinner early evening with husband and kids and when we got there the school mums were just leaving with their kids, there were 5 kids and their mums and a few fathers. These kids are who my eldest is very close with and plays with on a regular basis. I know the typical mumsnet response will be “well it was 5 of the kids not the entire class!”. But it still upset me. They are all so close and I’m never included in the plans. I have tried to get friendly with them since reception but I never seem able to. It upsets me that my child is also excluded.

in all honesty I’m very lonely, I don’t have a good relationship with DH and even at the restaurant he had laptop with him whilst I saw groups of women together laughing and chatting and other families also doing the same. I tried to talk to him about it and was met with angry stares and complete silence. I’m really lonely and watching the end of the mums and dads on the class get together were everyone was smiling and so in the moment left me feeling really down.

Can you try to make friends with others? They might just be genuinely friends for a number of years. It’s hard to break into groups like that (and there’s nothing wrong that they are friends)

Sounds like the kids are friends, but you're not actually friends with the mums? This sounds more like a mum get together than a playdate (because who would take five kids out for a meal as a primary activity choice?!) so if you're not close then I don't think you can expect to be included. You also haven't been left out though, because they are just a group of friends hanging out.

I think you need to focus on fixing or ending your marriage and you can also try to make friends by doing different activities,

you know you’re not entitled to join these people, they can’t invite everyone and they don’t really know you.

your upset is as you want to have friends and do stuff. So join groups. Is there any women’s groups near you, social, walking, reading, games, you need to put yourself out there,

Im sorry you're feeling so lonely and that sounds like being confronted by all your loneliness all at once.
Do you have any nice friends or potential friends around?

You were in a restaurant having dinner for 2 and he was on his laptop? That’s quite sad 😞

That's a shame I'm sorry. Do you work ? Have hobbies you go to ? I never really got in with the school mum's either but to be honest I preferred it that way. I've been feeling lonely lately too. My son is 18 and has a very active social life and stays over with his partner quite a lot of the time.

I lost touch with my old friends years ago, and I'm out of work currently due to some health issues. I think we have to really get out in the world to make new friends. I'm planning on going back to work in a few months and I hope to make some new friends that way.

I think temping even just at the weekends for example is good cause everyone there is new a lot of the time. Or volunteering in group settings. I would also like to meet someone this year as Im starting to feel ready to date again. It could be your relationship has run its course ? And you would be happier and more fulfilled with someone new

They might know each other for years. You've tried making friends with them and it hasn't worked out.

Try elsewhere...what things do you like doing?

Find groups that do it and at least have good company when doing your hobbies and hopefully some will grow into friendship. If not, just enjoy the groups and the company there.

That must have really hurt - I feel for you. Are there other mums you could start to get friendly with, maybe ask round for coffee, suggest going somewhere fun with the kids? Good luck - someone will be lucky to have you as a friend, and it will grow from there

@OnlyMabelInTheBuilding i know they only met since reception because we had a garden party at school where we introduced each other and this group did not know each other. There’s another group who all came from nursery and there’s about 8 of them and very difficult to get in with them that’s why over the years I’ve tried with these guys but get no where. It’s a small primary with 15 kids in the year.

@Pugglywuggly it’s a family Restarant with a soft play attached to it do you can eat dinner and kids can play.

Invite the mums and kids to a coffee or lunch yourself? That is the only way to be sure to be invited.

I agree with this. Initiate the meet up and then hopefully they’ll reciprocate.

Sorry to hear this. I hope you make friends at your new work.

Yes I do work but I feel so overwhelmed with life that I can’t do anything without the kids. Work people have no kids so do go places and did invite me in the beginning but as I have zero childcare as no family nearby and DH is unreliable with telling me if he is gone that evening or not that I was unable to say yes to any plans

Thank you for your kind words everyone and I know it sounds really easy to just invite people but I find it so hard, I might be ND but I’m not interested in getting a diagnosis. I just find it hard to make plans. I will go when invited but making the first move is very scary

If I were you I would pick the one from the group that you like most / is most approachable and try to set up a play date or day out with kids to try and get to know one person better.
Don’t tackle the whole group, just focus on one person and if it goes well they might include you in the group. Or you might strike up a separate friendship with them outside of the group.

It is hard though. I’m naturally quieter and I think people sometimes think I’m unfriendly or not interested in making friends… I’m better in a one to one or small group situation.

OP this would really hurt me too. I’m sorry. Take it easy on yourself xxx

I did try this when the kids were younger, I really like one them in particular as she’s got the same background as me - we grew up outside the area and moved here after marriage, we also work in the same field, everytime I suggested play dates she said she doesn’t do them! Clearly she does,

does anyone think I might be neurodiverse? The fact I find making friends so hard and making plans for meet ups feels impossible but would happily go if invited

Mate, you need to leave your shitbag husband.

@HotGazpacho i really want to but my fear is in doing so I will be even more alone

I think you are redirecting your attention to them to deflect from you feeling lonely due to your husband emotionally abandoning you. If he had got his laptop out at a public dinner I would of walked out.

Ask yourself, do you think you would feel so strongly about the other mums meeting up without you if your husband was kind and attentive?

I understand it hurts to see other mums doing stuff together without you, but please be assured it is nothing to do with their opinions of you; its a solid friendship group that meet up regularly and thats it. If you have to fight to be someone's friend, theyre probably not a great friend to have.

I would look elsewhere for friendships - other mums at school, joining social groups (yoga or something) and so on. If you work, do you have work friends you could meet up with? Its easy to get into your head about these things when other areas of your life arent great, in particular. Also, If your son is good friends with these kids at school and theyre happy together there, then dont worry about him being left out, he is fine.

Its a sad situation OP but I would seriously focus more on your marriage and what to do there. It doesnt sound like its a happy one, so if your husband isnt willing to fix it I would advise cutting off the dead weight and moving on. You'll be much more able to make friends when you feel better within yourself, too. Good luck

I’m sorry you’re feeling so awful. It’s not unreasonable to feel left out, but you have to put your energy into finding friendship with women who are open to wanting to make new friends – you’re wasting your time with those who aren’t. Let them be, you can’t change how they behave.

The bigger problem is your marriage. No matter what’s going on in friendships, you should find support a solace there. What’s going on? And how long has he been like this?

I can see why this hurt but I think your real problem is your DH who was on a laptop in family time!

I think you need to do something regularly for yourself once a week. Tell your DH he has to be home that night. Don't change it. I think one reason your confidence is low is because your husband treats you pretty poorly.

I think you need to look for friends and self esteem beyond the school, as well as working on 1:1 invites with mums you feel more of a connection to.

Op its hard isnt it. My daughter on a sports team said it was hard to settle in. Are you on the whatsapp group? I found mams cliquey in my sons year made a few friends from daughters year we still in touch. Hit and miss isnt it

Aw that sucks. I remember trying to make mum friends in baby groups and never really fit in. I find it hard to make friends anyway (I'm also ND) so it was quite upsetting. I've also done the dinner dates with a husband who was more interested in his phone. It sucked.

DC is now in YR4 and I've managed to make friends at the school gates. I've just started chatting to everyone and weirdly the mums I'm now friends with aren't the mums of DC's friends. So not many play dates for us but we chat and do coffee and drinks and they've listened to me whinge about my divorce. The group has grown now and I always make a point of inviting everyone and making sure any newcomers are invited to nights out etc. I'd hate to feel like I'm excluding anyone.

No real advice apart from just get chatting in the mornings/afternoons if you can. Offer to see other mums' kids in if they need to dash to work. And as PPs said, the school mums aren't your only option. Do you have local FB groups for meeting people? I've just joined a few local ones where people are looking to find friends or network and they look like a friendly bunch. Haven't gone along to the meetings yet but I can see myself going which is huge for me. 🙈

Good luck!

I want to know more about DH and the laptop. Is he coding or running AI agents while you're out? Or what? That seems really isolating and I'm sorry you're being subjected to that. On the mums --- I had similar experience. There's not a lot you can do apart from keep trying or give up. I thought if I hung around long enough they'd accept me. It sort of worked with one child's year mums but not the other. I'm a bit of a loner and find it hard to connect with people too. I like to stretch myself though and sometimes there are those moments of connection. I definitely get rejected along the way, but try again. 😃