AIBU to feel upset after seeing school mums out together?

[Advice943]

Went for dinner early evening with husband and kids and when we got there the school mums were just leaving with their kids, there were 5 kids and their mums and a few fathers. These kids are who my eldest is very close with and plays with on a regular basis. I know the typical mumsnet response will be “well it was 5 of the kids not the entire class!”. But it still upset me. They are all so close and I’m never included in the plans. I have tried to get friendly with them since reception but I never seem able to. It upsets me that my child is also excluded.

in all honesty I’m very lonely, I don’t have a good relationship with DH and even at the restaurant he had laptop with him whilst I saw groups of women together laughing and chatting and other families also doing the same. I tried to talk to him about it and was met with angry stares and complete silence. I’m really lonely and watching the end of the mums and dads on the class get together were everyone was smiling and so in the moment left me feeling really down.

Yes I think you are right, if DH was loving and attentive I wouldn’t care about seeing the school mums.

in the beginning he was nice to me and seemed to care but once we got married and his family came into the mix the problems started. His mother has no filter and said many nasty and strange things to me which I would be too shocked to respond to. He never once defended me or told her to mind her manners, his response was always “that’s just the way she is”. His 2 sisters are clones of his mum and again their nasty words were always ignored by him. Things got worse when I had kids and MIL didn’t leave me alone to the point of just walking into our home 3x a day with the spare key and DH refusing to take the key off her when I told him how much it was affecting me. She drove me crazy during both my maternity leaves and I went back to work early because of her,

I have felt so much anger over the years that she destroyed my precious moments with my babies. Even now he takes them to her house on weekends for the entire day and I’m left home waiting for them to return. I don’t visit her anymore as I decided I can’t

I don't think you necessarily have autism or anything no. I'm introverted, would never go up to people I didn't know well and invite them out. Well I don't think I have any conditions but my relative keeps telling me I'm autistic

Do you ever organise outings? I stopped inviting a friend to things because I was always the one organising.

I have felt so much anger over the years that she destroyed my precious moments with my babies

I have this feeling towards my ex MIL, (who is a total bitch and has just been awful and disrespectful to me the whole time) I'd just and my son and he was whisked away to NICU. A few hours later I was able to see him and instead of his father she was sat in the room in the only other chair while his useless father waited outside. So my first proper cuddle and hold of my baby she was there with me in a private moment as I tried to bond with him. The cheeky bitch. That family didn't understand boundaries

@ThatFairy thsts really horrible of her! She should have waited till you had a moment with your son!

My idiot DH brought her into the delivery room when I had literally given birth! he also tried to bring FIL! The midwife stopped him thank God at that point and I was kind of out of it with the gas and air but I remember her telling DH off and saying this should just be a moment between the baby and parents not everyone else. I can’t believe he would do that. I was literally naked having my skin to skin time. I don’t even think the nurse had sewn me Babk up at that point, it feels a blur tho so I don’t remember all the details.

I think maybe you have social anxiety op.

but we can’t expect to be friends with people just due to proximity, this group all hit it off, the dads too, this is ok. I understand it hurts as you want to be included.

but you need to have some things lined up, women’s groups, as said earlier, and if he’s home, go. If not don’t; Most of these things you dip in and out with.

id really not go asking all the mums at school to go out with you. Not try to base friendships round your kids, but find something for you , it has more longevity, even if it means finding a baby sitter, be it your mother in law, a family member or someone you pay.

but you can’t sit and expect to be invited and proclaim you’re lonely and ifs your husbands fault. You need to be proactive and get yourself out there. It will never come to you otherwise,

@Advice943 that's terrible as well. Sounds like you had a good midwife. The thing is you can't get these precious moments back.

I think MIL was trying to protect her son from me or something as we had had an argument earlier when I had just got out of surgery. I just was on morphine and crying uncontrollably for some reason, I think it was the drugs and being separated from my baby as soon as he was born, and I just didn't want anyone touching me and the nurse was insisting she washed me and I told her I would wait till I could walk and have a shower. So my ex said I was immature like he was embarrassed or something and I told him to get out. And then he did and just left me for about two hours. The result was we had no time with our baby together as he left with them. It was just all wrong.

This just breaks my heart to read. I am similar and have always thought I have had social anxiety. Could you try peanut? I have not used it but I believe it is a way to meet other mums? You need to find people who are also looking to make friends. I'm afraid if you want to make friends you are likely going to have to make the 1st move. Xx

No, it doesn't make you ND OP.
I really feel for you. After a situation like this I would probably feel upset for a good couple of days. It's very hurtful whichever way you look at it. Take some time to look after yourself.

Ah I’m sorry to hear this OP. I think even if you had the most amazing husband, it would hurt to see the school mums out with their families. I’m sure you can have the most fantastic marriage in the world but still want that for your son.
I found with my eldest son I did make friends with the other mums but I had to keep chipping away at it. Then with my second if I’m honest, not so much so…I was quite immersed in my eldest sons mums by then …I was also working more. I wasn’t as interested in making friends with those mums, although I still regularly met a couple at the park for my son and have all the play dates…I just wasn’t as interested in going out socially (without the kids). Could this be true of this year group of mums? I found my second son was more of a sibling class rather than a first born class , if that makes sense.

im not going to go into your marriage as really is that where the issues lie and that’s a separate problem. All I would say is keep asking kids round for play dates, keep suggesting a meet up at the park etc. sure you’ve had one knock back from one mum about not doing play dates, but don’t let that put you off. Generally mums do want to meet up even if only for the kids. Even me, I’m saying I wasn’t that interested in my second sons lot but I still did do it for him. Maybe the mums group you’re so desperate to break into are just the “mean mums”! They do exist!!

keep trying OP, you’ll get there 🫶

I think the problem is that there are five of them already. That is really enough people for a functioning friendship group. You're wasting your time trying to join an established group . and your DH doesn't sound very nice , maybe he's the problem they've seen his behaviour

I’m so sorry OP, your DH and MIL sound awful. Why does he take the DC away from you all of Saturday?

Try not to worry about the school mum’s. It’s thoughtless of them to exclude you with only 15 in the year, but then I suppose there were 10 other families not invited. Don’t take it personally. Try and join some groups or do a hobby on Saturday while DH takes the kids to MILs if that’s a day you could go and do something.

But do think about your future with your DH. You deserve better.

I feel for you OP I have been in similar situations many times and it really does make you feel shit. I have three DCs and have always tried with school mums and generally chatted to most but never seem to quite “fit” and once groups are established it makes things so much harder. There has been the odd mums over the years I have met 1:1 for play dates / coffees but it’s never really turned into more.
I now work at my DC’s school and this has made things even harder as I’m even more out of the loop now and hardly see anyone, this in turn has affected some of my youngest DC’s friendships - although I have tried! Breaks my heart more for him than me.
I’d say I am an introvert (although seem confident on the outside) but just seem to find it hard to make those deeper connections.
I have got to the point now that it is what it is and I can’t change anything so starting to focus more on friendships outside of school. I have two years left of primary and from previous experience (my eldest) I probably won’t see most of these mums once all my DCs are in secondary and I so much prefer that.

I’m sorry you’re going through it, I hope things get better for you.

School was only part of my life sure I met some great people some times but i only got out what i was willing to put in, i am only going by what you typed and maybe I am reading it wrong but this seems to be the centre of everything

Seeing other people out and about without me seemed normal to me as I have other things going on

I struggle to accept how people think this, thay school mums have no right to be friends and it’s thoughtless to exclude any other mum, they need to invite all of them or not go. It’s bonkers.

@Velvetandleather i don’t think I’m being bonkers, just to repeat what I write in my OP — the 5 boys that were there are the ones my son plays with at school. He thinks he’s best friends with 2 of them. All 6 of them play together.

Just because my child plays with or even thinks they are bff doesn't mean i need to mix with their parents or we will see them out of school

This isn’t the only driver for who you make friends with though. Kids bring friends does not equal parents being friends.

I know how you feel. I thought I had made friends with other mums in reception but when I had my third child they started to ignore me. The playground can be a really lonely place when you have no one to talk to. Maybe try and make friends with other mums as I stopped trying when I discovered that said friend had actually barred my child from her child party and said dont ask them. It hurts so much but your not alone.

I wouldn’t read that much in to it. I’m definitely not neurodiverse. I’ve always found it easy to make friends, but IMO school mums are a different breed. I’ve chatted a lot to Mums at parties and been friendly and chirpy, but never quite got in with any of them. I’ve had play dates and stuff but I’ve never gone out socially with the Mums. My twins are in Year 5 now and I think I’ve only got a year and a bit left now. I continue to smile and be polite, but I don’t beat myself up if I’m stood on my own in the playground anymore. Fuck em I say.

This happened to me, on several occasions, Mums I had known for 5 years plus. I suspect there’s one person who has deliberately left us out and the others probably just didn’t think. It’s a long story as they ended up also coming to an event via my main hobby as one of their group had taken it up and I felt they were in my safe space. I was very hurt but concentrated on making connections with other parents, and feel ok about it now. They are not my tribe primarily because I would never leave anyone out and am really actively inclusive. Maybe because I know how it feels to be on the outside.

You are only seeing a snap shot of peoples lives a bit like Facebook fantasy. Probably they go home with their family and the arguments begin. Your husband is being extremely rude going out to dinner with a laptop. Maybe time to have a talk with husband and if he won’t listen maybe time to part.

It’s rubbish feeling left out, so sympathies OP.
Today I’ve had a lovely day with a new-ish acquaintance doing a hobby, but while there another friend told me in passing that a woman who i consider one of my closest friends, (we are god parents to each others kids) has been doing the same hobby with someone else for the last few months despite refusing my invitations to do the same for the past couple of years, probably longer. I’m put out about it to say the least.
And then got home and see on social media that DH and my uni friends met up for an evening out about 30min away last night. Feel like sending a cross message, but what will it achieve! I think i do need to move on and cultivate some new friendship groups though!

I doubt you’d be more alone. And it really is better to be alone than get angry stares. Your unhappy marriage might be lowering your confidence too. You could go to a divorce group. Your husband isn’t doing anything to help you feel wantable. You sound lovely and someone will be lucky to be your friend ND or not.

Sometimes when I read similar posts like this the way it is written paints a picture of the OPs character amd it doesn’t come across well. Your post I would fathom you seem a genuinely nice person. This does hurt, I know people can’t invite everyone but if the kids are close the more the merrier hey? I am sorry to hear, you won’t be alone. I would try again subtly amd if no joy you seem a nice person, go out into the field as look elsewhere to find your tribe, and you make sure to be very open to anyone who wants to join.

Sorry about your DH, that doesn’t sound supportive. Speak to him about importance of quality family time. Ensure future dinners out are without the laptop or he is not welcome.