AIBU to feel upset after seeing school mums out together?

[Advice943]

Went for dinner early evening with husband and kids and when we got there the school mums were just leaving with their kids, there were 5 kids and their mums and a few fathers. These kids are who my eldest is very close with and plays with on a regular basis. I know the typical mumsnet response will be “well it was 5 of the kids not the entire class!”. But it still upset me. They are all so close and I’m never included in the plans. I have tried to get friendly with them since reception but I never seem able to. It upsets me that my child is also excluded.

in all honesty I’m very lonely, I don’t have a good relationship with DH and even at the restaurant he had laptop with him whilst I saw groups of women together laughing and chatting and other families also doing the same. I tried to talk to him about it and was met with angry stares and complete silence. I’m really lonely and watching the end of the mums and dads on the class get together were everyone was smiling and so in the moment left me feeling really down.

It can be tough. It's always difficult when you're not as highly thought of by them, as they are by you. I've been there many times in my life. You can't force your way into a group, as that's just not how friendship works, however much you might want to be part of it - but if there's one of them you feel particularly close to, let them know that you'd quite like to come along next time if they didn't mind? There's nothing to lose there!

The DH issue is of course another issue entirely..

@ThatFairy thank goodness for someone who doesn't immediately jump on the ND bandwagon. Being introverted or socially awkward is a normal personality type. We don't have naughty/poorly parented children any more, they must have ADHD or autism

Ditto any chaotic/disorganised/untidy adult. Honestly!
@Advice943 you are a fully functioning adult who works, runs a home and brings up her children. You are also shy and apparently quite sensitive - which doesn't need a medical diagnosis.
A good way to make a friend group is to get involved with people with a shared interest. Then make your selfish husband responsible for childcare for that activity. Or pay a babysitter.

I’d say look at extending your social circle elsewhere are these the type of women you want in your life? have a look what’s going off locally see if anything catches your eye or at your school there maybe some kind of parent group there? You could even form your own ask the school there will be other parents at school who feel the same as you do

The situation you are in with your DH and his family sounds horrendous. No wonder you are lonely. Can you get some support from women’s aid?

They are friends are you are not in their friendship group - why would they invite you in a night out?

if you are lonely then get a job, volunteer, get a hobby and make friends that way with people you have something in common with.

just because these women have children your child’s age doesn’t mean you have anything in common with you or that they owe you anything.

@AgnesMcDoo unkind and unnecessary response. It's not hard to understand why OP would be upset in this scenario.

Ok, I get that, but it’s irrelevant and doesn’t mean you’re entitled to go,out with the parents when they go out. and be part of their friendship group , you are not their friends, this was clearly about the parents getting together rather than a play date just for the kids, they were more there as the parents got together, I think you know this.

be careful you don’t move to entitled to friendship due to your child’s social circle, because you’re not and never will be.

you have had lots of support and advice on here on how to resolve your situation, I’m not sure you will take it. And that will be a shame for you, as you will just get lonelier.

I think you need to build up confidence outside of these school mums because you are already wary of them and even the slightest rebuff will sting and cause you anxiety and doubt.

I would suggest you try one of two things

a book club, where you will already have common ground because everyone will (in theory) have read the book

a local Womens Institute group. They have people coming in to talk so again that is a bit of common ground to talk about. They aren’t all jam Jerusalem and nude calendars.

both of these sort of groups tend to meet on the same day each month so tying your husband down to being in to look after his children should be possible with some persistence. They are also maybe a bit more open to new people and not so cliquey as the school mums.

Good luck. There are friends for you out there.

I think you should prioritise getting your marriage sorted. If you are lonely in a marriage that’s a very sad place to be and even having tons of friends won’t cure that. People can pick up on desperation and it may be that because you want to use friendships to shore up your crap relationship, that people can sense this and feel uncomfortable around you.
if you can afford it, I suggest you get some counselling.

I am a confident and assertive 55y old with a big social circle and lots of different friends from various areas in life. I would still feel hurt in this scenario OP described. It’s a pretty normal human reaction, esp when your child is involved.

I was this mum, always on the periphery. I found it really hard and tried desperately to join in. Come year 5 and 6 it still continued and the kids all socialised together and the parent group met up all the time and my daughter and I found it hard. Once at secondary these kids were drinking, smoking and getting suspensions and the parents started drinking more heavily when they socialised and have mostly had nasty fallouts. I was so desperate for my daughter and I to be included and now I am so relieved we weren’t. My daughter is now 17 and has a lovely friendship group and I have kept contact with 3 original parents (who also stayed out of the drama) and am infinitely happier. The rest I do not miss one bit. School is weird as you’re thrown together with people and it’s cliquey but be careful what you wish for. It feels like an age at the time and looks like everyone else but you is happy but appearances are very deceptive.

Rejection sensitivity is definitely a thing. I know that it’s associated with autism but it’s also a product of trauma.

Reading your post objectively, I think you’re overreacting. People are allowed to associate without inviting everyone along. I personally would be upset but only if I genuinely wanted to be with them.

Try not to expect others to include you in everything and you’ll free yourself too from the pressure you put on yourself to be included.

Sorry you’re having a tough time.

it’s hard making friends as an adult - you have to constantly put yourself out there and keep up the efforts.

I’ve been an on and off my whole adult life. You have to treat making friends like a job. Honestly some of my closest friends I saw, decided I wanted to be friends with them on the basis of what I saw and made it happen. Two of them I’ve been friends with for 20 years at this point.

along the way there have been rejections, rudeness and it’s hard but you have to keep going.

invite them for a coffee/play date walk.

create specific opportunities: you have a spare ticket for an exhibition, show, talk - would they like to come? You’ll be in town for a meeting would they like a coffee?

join a yoga/pottery/coding class. Start training for a marathon and see if anyone wants to run. They have a great garden and you are doing yours, could you ask their advice?

when rejected dust yourself off, it’s not personal people are busy. Keep at it 😊

actually Mel Robbins has a chapter on this in her book which is similar. Just keep putting yourself out there.

That sounds really awful op, and very very lonely (your DH sounds the worst). I'm sorry and big hugs x

But that doesn’t mean they have done wrong and you’re feeding the op to think they have.

this is a group of friends who went out together, mums and dads, who brought their Kids. The op is not entitled to their friendship group and being invited as her kid plays with them.

if you’d feel hurt seeing groups of friends you’re not part of, then the issue, kindly is you. Not them.

what next. See anyone you know out with their mates and feel hurt,

Really sorry OP- I’d be upset by that too. It sounds like you’ve really tried to be present and get to know people and they haven’t taken you up on it. I can totally understand when your son plays with the other 5 kids and you are the only one not invited. I’m not sure what the solution is other than to try and accept this lot maybe aren’t for you right now and look elsewhere. It also won’t be personal since they don’t know you.

FWIW it isn’t much better at large city schools where I am either. Lots of parents already knew each other through older siblings when my DD joined school and they weren’t interested in being particularly friendly with new parents. I’ve sort of accepted that as long as my child is happy at school and has friends there that’s the main thing. When they get older they will arrange social events themselves. I also give my DC chances to socialise at clubs outside school etc and she is with family a lot- trying to create a full life outside of school ‘mum’ stuff. And I think she has one. It also takes the pressure off of me knowing I don’t have to force play dates etc.

I do sometimes still feel a bit sad I’ve not made any proper friends with kids though. But I generally only gel with a few people in any setting. Maybe you are the same?

In your opinion.

You dont know their personal circumstances. They could be living a lifestyle only they are party to. I felt the same in similar circumstances you describe until I found out they were swingers. If someone had told me that I would never have believed it given most of them were university educated professionals. Many couples lead alternative lifestyles with many variations therefore its obvious you wouldn't be included especially if this is the case.Nothing surprises me now.

I know it seems everyone potentially has autism or ADHD on this forum at times. Like you say being introverted and socially awkward is just a common personality type. It is strange the prevalence of it these days though. My nephew has just been diagnosed as autistic and ADHD and I wouldn't think it to look at his behaviour as he seems completely typical. And my sister has just been diagnosed ADHD. I suppose that might explain her talking at 100 miles an hour

Sounds like your husband is the more pressing problem here? Laptop on a date night?

I can relate to parts of this. I feel my son missed out on things because I couldn't make friends at the school gates. It did sting, but I am what I am!
I think try building your tribe, try meeting people through hobbies or interests and then leave your dope of a husband. If he takes them out for one day a weekend that's a perfect opportunity to join a group. I find it easier to talk when there is a shared interest. From what I've read of your replies, your Husband doesn't seem to respect you, your needs or boundaries. Get your ducks in a row and make plans for you and your kids to drop the knobhead.

Hi OP. I really feel for you because I have been in your situation many times myself and it really hurts.

I can't say whether you are neurodivergent or not, but I have ADHD and suffer badly from Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. School mums are notoriously cliquey, and if your face doesn't fit it is very hard. Please know that your worth is not dependent on being accepted by them though. Try to join some groups, as others have suggested, so you can make friends away from the school gates.

Your dh also sounds like a complete a* hole which is probably making you feel even worse. Does he have any redeeming qualities at all? If you are not happy in your marriage would you consider leaving and moving closer to your family? At least then you would have a support network around you.

Do you have any time for a hobby op, or an exercise class? You might find a friend with a shared interest. School mum friends can be fickle - genuinely thought I had friendships with a few irrespective of our dc, until they went on to separate schools and then tumbleweed.

If you are nd, you might have better luck with other nd adults. Sometimes we can be subtly off putting to neurotypicals, in ways they can’t seem to put a finger on. I’ve realised, looking back in my 40s, that all the people I made meaningful connections with were distinctly nd.

Even now he takes them to her house on weekends for the entire day and I’m left home waiting for them to return.
Stop waiting about, get yourself out, find interests and hobbies, even go out and take a book to a coffee shop.

i just want to say the best thing my cheating ex did for me was leave me , there is nothing lonelier than being in a marriage with an abusive man ,, my confidence is back I didn’t even know who I was myself without my awful ex , friends or not go out to new places meet new people do things you never thought you would

no one ever regrets leaving but they do if they stay , take care