AIBU to expect DH to take leave while I am unwell?

[LittleGeneral]

DH and I have 2 children - 9 months and nearly 3. I have done pretty much every night feed and morning wake up since they were born due to DH working 3pm until 11pm. I do our routine evening solo too. All fine. During the night however I was vomiting and have D&V. I am wiped out. I got up with DS during the night and then asked DH to get up with the kids when they got up at 6:15am. He did so begrudgingly and has now gone back to bed. I mentioned he may need to take a sick day or "parental leave" day at work tonight depending on how the day goes and he basically refused. I'm on maternity leave for another month. AIBU to expect him to do this - do I just need to suck it up?

I’m sorry that you are feeling so unwell! You are absolutely within your right to ask that he takes carers/parental leave but whether he does is another thing. How is he in general with you? Caring, kind, generous?

I think it depends how unwell you are. Unfortunately with children you and they will get ill a lot and you can’t expect DH to take a day off every time, likewise if he is unwell and looking after the DCs he shouldn’t expect you to either. In our house it’s get on with it, with the exception of being too unwell in which case the other takes a day off without complaint.

This isn't relevant to your post but why does his job mean you have to do all the night feeds? He won't be going to bed straight after he gets home so why cant he let you sleep since he's awake already?

YABU. You’ll be fine - we’ve all been there and had to get on with it. If he’s the only one working, it’s better that he goes in.

I wouldn't ask if it's a short lived 24/48 hour thing. I think leave is precious and should be protected either for fun or for real emergencies. If you're back to work soon he might need leave when DC are sick?

If it turns out you're desperately ill and it becomes protracted that's different, but a bug for a couple of days, we just carry on.

What classes as being too unwell for you? OP has D&V, clearly too unwell?

People on here are weird, feeding a 9 month old and supervising a 3 year old while stuck to a toilet with D&V really? Parental leave isn’t limited like
annual leave is

It is unpaid though, so for most families, not to be used lightly.

Maybe I've never been that ill but I think D&V means rarely 24 hours "stuck" on the toilet.

You’ve never had a stomach bug or food poisoning? Really?

I've never had one that meant I was stuck on the toilet all day, no. Inconvenient and unpleasant, yes. Incapable, no.

Well there’s different levels of D&V isn’t there, there’s not being able to leave the toilet and there’s a few episodes but not too bad. Most of us don’t have unlimited leave and so do our house emergency leave days like this is reserved for when it’s closer to the first one.

Why on earth has he gone back to bed? He's just working an 8 hour shift.
Sounds like you got yourself a wet wipe of a DH right there, sadly.

My husband would’ve told me to lie in bed and caught up with the children and looked after them for the day. He would not have expected me to do anything. Even if your husband does have to work, I feel that his uncaring attitude is the biggest factor here.

how many times has he looked after the kids alone for the day or weekend?

Get well soon x

YANBU

I will never forget the day I had V&D (caught from knew of the kids) last year. I was trying to take care of 2 kids, one was 10 months so similar to you. Clung to the toilet bowel and vomiting into a sick bowel. Hadn't slept in days because the kids were sick first.

Trying to make.sure they were fed and watered, nappies changed, looking after their basic needs whilst being completely and utterly wiped out and actively vomiting was definitely the hardest parenting day I've ever done solo.

I don't think this calls for him to take leave, but I am puzzled as to why his hours mean you need to do all the childcare, and why he can't help until he leaves for work.

Surely if he finishes at 11pm, he can keep more or less normal hours. Bed by 12, or even 1am and up by 8/9am?

Yes this. My DH wouldn’t have needed to be asked, he’d have just got on with it.

I have, I've sat on the toilet with diarrhea holding a bucket for the vomiting, I also passed out on the bathroom floor. Although yes it was only 10 hours. Just because you haven't experienced it . . .

Yes, this is pretty much how it works. I said in my OP that I take on the nights and early mornings, not all child care. We usually split the child care 50/50 from when he wakes up until he goes to work. He is generally quite caring and we have a good relationship. We have made it 3 years deep into parenting without this issue arising (we usually do just get on with it). I think I just expected him to be a little more open to taken an evening of parental leave so I wasn't alone for the bed time routine while I feel this rubbish. Thanks for the well-wishes. The joys of parenting when poorly!

So why has he gone back to bed now then?

Another one here wondering why he isnt helping with nights when surely he is awake anyway?
And now he's being 'begrudging' when you're so ill? Rather than, I dont know, a normal reaction to the person you love beong unwell, wanting to make things easier for you....

Well DH has come downstairs and told me to go back to bed. He has said we will see how I am later and, if still unwell, he will sort the kids' bedtime out then go to work, taking half a shift of parental leave. Hopefully I will be feeling alot more human by then anyway, and it won't be necessary.

I think if you are well enough to look after the children now while he is catching up on sleep before work, then its unreasonable to ask him to take time off.
My DH would if I was so unwell I couldn't get out of bed to deal with the children. If I could survive on the sofa and not have to do much while he was at work, I wouldnt expect him to take time off.

Oh, he doesn't actually get to refuse. He's a parent so he'll have to - you know - parent while you can't.

Think this is one of those things where you don't realise you and your spouse need to work out/agree expectation parameters until it's happened! My DH is honestly wonderful in a million different ways but he was exactly the same when I had gastro. I couldn't even stand up and I had to spell it out for him that that meant he needed to stay with the children.

Not all illnesses are created equal of course, there's a degree of common sense. Definitely one of the sucky bits of parenting that when he got a particularly bad cold for example he could take a day off work and recoup in bed whereas if I then caught the same cold he'd head off to the office and I'd be there trying to keep everything ticking. But you get through it.

Hope you feel better OP and can get some rest. And even more hope that the kids don't catch it!!!

I think it's awful your DH went back to bed @LittleGeneral . I can't imagine leaving someone who'd been up vomiting overnight to look after two tiny kids first thing in the morning. My DH would take parental leave, no question, no discussions.