To not have gone to hospital with bf?

[ShatterLily]

I have a 7 yo and nearly 3 year old and I'm pregnant again unplanned and I'm not sure what I want to do I only found out a few days ago but I don't know if it's actually positive as I had 1 positive 1 negative but my period is late and I don't know what to do if I am as youngest was premature and had a traumatic early few months with getting very unwell. He's hard work tbh and barely eats anything and doesn't talk (he is partially deaf though)

Our relationship is quite tense atm He's classed as obese but due to his height (6ft 3) it doesn't really show he was 21 stone 4 but since the start of the year he's gone to 20 st 6 so he is trying to eat better but I usually make his lunch when I make my eldests for school. He's also still obsessed with any fizzy drink and he vapes which ice told him I don't like as he's also got asthma he's taken to doing it outside when he thinks I don't know

It really doesn't take that much extra time but the past few days have been hard as we all were unwell and 2yo hasnt been sleeping so I've been exhausted

Today I didn't make my bf any lunch and he was in a mood when I got home and said he'd eaten junk out the fridge (sausage rolls and crisps) and accuser me of not helping him lose weight

So I already wasn't pleased with him butthe ended up having an asthma attack which is probably down to the cough he still has when from we were all unwell last week but also the vape

He still wasn't any better after he had his inhaler and in the end I phoned the ambulance I didn't go with him as I'm home with the children

I feel like he sort of wanted me to go with him and his mum is shocked that I haven't gone and has called me cruel. I need outsiders opinions because I don't have much sympathy for him right now

AIBU to not go?

If you’d gone who would look after the kids? I went to hospital on my own today. My partner offered but I thought I could cope (complications after emergency eye surgery). Adults sometimes have to do things themselves.

Surely you couldn’t have gone with young kids?

What did he expect you to do?

YANBU to stay home, because you had to look after the DCs.

YABU to not be sympathetic about an asthma attack.

If it was me, I would have put him in the ambulance and told him I’d meet him at the hospital once I sorted childcare.

You’d need to go and pick him up anyway

He's an adult, he'll be fine. It's obvious you have a lot with your DCs and pregnancy.

If his mother is so worried she can go join him.

Why would you drag two young children to the hospital with you? If his mother was that concerned couldn't she have sat with the children?

I hope there's going to be a conversation about him taking better care of his health as the adult father of two, possibly three, children. Including making his own healthy meals and not relying on other people to do it, and not vaping when you have asthma. I can understand why your sympathy is limited for someone who won't help themselves and in fact works to counter their own health.

I’m sorry you feel like this. You sound exhausted and yet again another man who can’t seem to look after himself.

unless you had childcare available at that moment you couldn’t have gone anyway as they wouldn’t have let you all in ambulance.

Do you know if they’re keeping him in. If so you could arrange someone to sit with kids whilst you visit and take clothes etc.

BUT I wouldn’t be rushing if he’s blaming you! No way are you responsible for his asthma attack and weight.

Well I guess it all depends the reason you didn’t go? If you had to stay home to look after your young children then it’s understandable but if you had someone to care for the children then I would 100% have gone with my partner.

Do you feel he was choosing to be agitated and brought on his asthma attack? I can feel it coming on, and choose to prioritise calming myself and using the inhalers etc. I can imagine a bad tempered bloke who wants to make his partner feel guilty might not.

My DH went on his own in lockdown whilst having a heart attack, he coped on his own, obviously I would have liked to have gone with him, but you probably won’t be required to be with him whilst he’s being assessed, he could wait hours before actually being seen. Has he got his phone and charger.

Asthma attacks can be very scary so you’re unreasonable if you’re unsympathetic about that in the moment.
If you had nobody to have the children, then yeah he should have gone by himself.

The other issues need to be dealt with separately in priority order.

YANBU he’s a grown man ffs.

YABU to partner with, and have children to such a man though. Why can’t he make his own lunch? Does he even work?

Can’t he make his own lunch?

You don’t like him, don’t bring a child into this.

Could you have realistically got any childcare sorted to go with him?

In all honesty, you don't sound very compassionate towards him.

Sounds like you are worn down by him and it doesn't sound like a positive relationship for either of you.

I think you both need to consider options...you don't have to stay together if you don't make each other happy.

It sounds to me you have enough on your plate OP with your existing DC and your pregnancy without also having to mother your partner.

He is an adult and should be able to organise his own food and manage his own weight problems.

He obviously doesn't take his asthma seriously otherwise he wouldn't vape and yet he expects you to drop everything when he has an attack which was partly induced by his own behaviour?

You called the ambulance for him. Surely his mother could have gone to the hospital. You quite rightly prioritised your DC.

He really really needs to grow up and take some personal responsibility for his own health

Personally, I wouldn't have called an ambulance and would have dropped him off at A&E - unless he was extremely unwell with his asthma, in which case I would have gone with him.

He's a grown man he doesn't need you there with him. Taking young children to a&e is stupid unless they are the ill ones

An asthma attack is very serious an ambulance is appropriate in this situation

He's a grown man who is deliberately sabotaging his health and blaming you for it. I wouldn't have him back tbh. He can get a taxi to mummy's house.

You deserve better than this OP.

I’ve had to go to A&E solo a couple of times (health condition thankfully now resolved) because we have had no childcare, so DH had to stay home with the kids. Just one of those things.

It doesn’t sound like a great setup generally though.

That's why I said unless he was extremely unwell. I've been admitted with asthma several times myself and got there under my own steam, as advised by 111.

Its fine. He's an adult. At a hospital. He could cope.
His mum can always go to him if she wants.

I am also asthmatic and have been taken to hospital several times over the years and when the children were young my husband didn't come with me. He'd come with the kids to pick me up once I was discharged.

Children don’t belong in adult A&E. Is his mum offering to babysit/sit with him?

He can make his own lunch but he then usually grabs unhealthy food because it's quicker than ‘better’ food

I don’t think the vaping helps not even just due to his asthma it’s the fact it’s not healthy as a whole and it’s more money which we could do with elsewhere e

His mum is on holiday I suppose I could've gone if I asked my mum to have the dc but I don't ask her very often and we don't even have a good relationship due to how she treated me during my firsr pregnancy and tbh I don't even know if she was free

Does he work?