to wonder why childcare seems to default to women, even now?

[saynooo]

When people talk about help with their children, it is almost always their mum or mother in law or another woman stepping in. School pickups, last minute childcare, sleepovers, even just popping round for a couple of hours. It is very rarely dad, father in law, or grandad being the go to person.

What I find odd is that this happens even when the dad or grandfather is literally there and available. It is not like they are nowhere to be seen. They might be in the same house, or just as free, but people still seem to default to asking the woman first. It is not always the case that they are working.

Almost like people do not even think to ask the dad, FIL, grandad. Easier just to dump it on the nearest woman.

NOT SAYING THIS IS TRUE IN EVERY CASE.

Because women don't trust men

I agree OP. We just have to keep fighting against this assumption in the hope that one day things will be different.

You're asking to fight against biology.

Women have been responsible for childcare since the dawn of time.
There're lots of dodgy men out there.

Gosh, this has to be at least the third thread on this in as many days?

I'm not sure why it defaults, but I have known quite a few grandads to do the school runs.

Although I suspect there may be a wife at home looking after the DC once they're picked up.

Because there's a high chance that the men who are now grandads didn't change a single nappy when their own children were little and thus they don't have a clue how to look after a small child.

I suspect if my DH ever becomes a grandad he will be so involved as to be annoying, but then he has been as involved in raising his own children as I have.

I think it’s a hangover from maternity leave too. If mum hangs out with her mum or MIL during ML then it can reinforce the childcare is performed by women idea. I know that there’s shared paternity leave etc but I’m not convinced that a significant number of men take it.

It doesn’t in my family, my Dad has been a “hands on” grandad since my DDs were born, looked after them when they were little, does school pick ups etc.
However a lot of men his generation have never done much childcare for their own children and wouldn’t know where to start.

Also the reason it tends to default to women is men are sadly far less trustworthy around children. In an emergency would I ask a female neighbour to look after my child? Yes probably, would I ask a male neighbour? No no way.

Are you suggesting your DH or partner is less trustworthy?!

i have a theory - as well as women giving birth so automatically cast as primary parent maternity leave screws the gender roles up for many couples with many women not working after birth / part time etc and becoming the default parent
this continues into childhood and beyond so logically extends to grandmothers

how many women are automatically assumed to pick up the caring responsibilities for aging parents (so daughters rather than sons)

woemns time is not valued the same as a man’s and our duty is to serve others (and society consistently reinforces this)

Depressing but true

Your naïveté is astounding if you think this is some big conspiracy. As pp said it is because too many men can’t be trusted and we don’t know which ones they are until it’s too late, sadly. This will not ever change. The answer is to respect childcare more and pay it and value it properly.

So why do women keep having babies with men if they can't be trusted?

If women's own partners, fathers and FILs are dodgy, why have children then?

Erm, also a bit naïve … and not really anything to do with who should look after them once they exist.

However a lot of men his generation have never done much childcare for their own children and wouldn’t know where to start.

So they need to be off the hook again a second time?

Sorry - but this faux naïveté is ridiculous. Come on.

I think Mumsnet needs to get ahold on these threads, they’re ruining AIBU. This is now the fourth in the past week.

Women generally have more interest in babies and young children than men do. Many women want to SAH and look after the children but not so many men do. Also, it’s just nature. There’s no need to fight it.

Women having kids with their fathers and FILs is a bit of a niche concern tbh, with bigger issues at play...

I mean, on Friday my son is being cared for by my husband and he's taking him to see Grandad. And my dad was the absolute number one help out of all four grandparents when he was a newborn. It was like being followed around by a butler when I dropped a muslin or need a nappy or cushion handed to me. He still is the best help tbh.

So I don't have skin in the game. But I'm not blind to generational differences between the sexes. My husband is more hands on than his dad ever was, and my FIL had the example of the square root of fuck all from his own dad.

If hate for my son to be judged one day for something that he could have been taught or set example by me or his dad.

My ex took the second six months and did fuck all 😐 I will never forgive him.

I think it is because most people will turn to THEIR primary caregiver to support them. My dad was a stay at home dad which was rare but he does more childcare for me now than my mum. My MIL doesn’t have anything to do with my kids because she wasn’t a good parent to my husband. I think this will change now that a lot of dads are more hands on. Very stereotypical of course!

You again?

The current generation of grandfathers did relatively little childcare of their own children so it’s not surprising that their daughters and sons don’t feel especially comfortable handing over grandchildren to them. Coupled with the fact that the grandmother is often rather keener than the grandfather.

Now that does not mean things will never change. Current fathers are a lot more hands on than fathers did 30/40 years ago. There is still a big imbalance of course for many reasons (the length of maternity vs paternity leave for example). But it’s a lot more equal than it was and I expect that when today’s fathers are grandfathers they will get viewed as much more capable with grandkids.

Because women grow babies inside of them and risk their lives giving birth to them. They therefore (generally) have an inextricable bond and life long vested interest in that human being's welfare, which isn't comparable to that of most men. And yes, I do know it's "not all men".

And have you noticed something major? It’s ALWAYS women doing it to each other!!

My kid has one GF and he’s utterly useless - as a father he used to be a provider, does some cooking and nothing more.
my DH is hands on however I notice that is reducing as our child grows for some reason - he was doing as much as I did when DC was a baby; now I’d say 20% and way less patient.

It's always a woman who does everything.

In my case the default parenting fell to me because my husband simply wouldn't do it.

It's all very well saying "go on strike and make him do it" but he still wouldn't do it and all that would happen then is that I'd have neglected children who never got their teeth/eyes checked and we wearing too small shoes. He didn't do it so I had no choice but to do it myself.