AIBU to worry my daughter is getting engaged too soon?

[MidnightScrolls]

Dd 22 has just told me she is engaged. I really want to be happy for her but I can't help but think it is too soon and perhaps not best for her at the moment.

She has just graduated last year with a first class economics degree from a very prestigious university but, given the current market, has really struggled to find a job and is still living at home. She is incredibly hard working and has made every effort to send in job applications but hasn't found anything yet and I think is starting to feel very discouraged.

She has been with her boyfriend for 2 years and, while he is slightly quiet around us, they seem to have a really lovely relationship and are very happy together.

That said, I just can't help but think that getting married may be a panic response to feeling like she doesn't have a purpose and that if she does, she may regret it later on. She has always expressed how important a career of her own is to her and I am concerned that getting married so young may take away from that. I am also unsure of the finances of her getting married and moving out.

I haven't voiced any of these concerns to her as I don't know if it is my place anymore and I always want her to feel supported especially in such important life decisions.

Does anyone have any thoughts or any similar experiences?

Just because she has got engaged doesn’t mean she is getting married any time soon. (Unless she is me who got engaged and married 5 months later at the age of 23😂 still going strong 30 years later)

id always encourage both my adult children to have savings, a job and be settled before getting married.

So do you think its marriage OR career?

Its not 1950. Many women who marry are also allowed to leave the house and work.

She probably does need a job before she can afford a wedding!

I absolutely don't think it's marriage or career, nor would I not have exactly same concerns for my son. I just think there is a lot to be said for not rushing into getting married, for example, her boyfriend lives 100 miles away and she may find a job in a different city but not feel able to take it.

I dont think its too young. I was engaged at 16 married at 18. Whatever works for the individual.

I do think 22 is too young to be getting married; with no job, and a boyfriend a 100 miles away.

My advice would be to self empower her, dont judge her, dont go in guns blazing; questioning her reasoning as that will make her defensive of decisions and of the relationship, but build her up.

Yes, it’s stupidly young, but it’s possible it won’t happen. Hopefully she gets an excellent job at a distance, and the relationship dies off.

Agree. Far too young.

You will get the 'I got engaged at 16 and married at 18, and am still with my husband after 77 years' posters flocking on here though 🙄

Engaged at 22, married 24, 20 years ago now!

Yes it's just such a tricky one because she has always placed so much value on academic performance and I think struggling to find a job despite doing really well at uni has really damaged her self esteem and sense of purpose. She said that she wants to get married because he is the one good thing in her life at the moment and I don't want her to feel like I am criticising what is clearly so important to her at the moment.

I understand where you're coming from OP and I'd have the same worries. But we can't live our children's lives for them.

Could you ask her about what she is hoping life will look like in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, and beyond? What her hopes and wishes are, ambitions for herself, etc. Where her future husband fits in to all of this as well. She might surprise you with her stance and reassure you or it might plant seeds that this isn't want she wants. I'd avoid telling her what you think her future will look like though as that's the quickest way to get her back up and shut you out.

Did it last?

Not too young at all. I was engaged and married within 2 years. Both of us were 23. We got engaged when my husband was in his final year of uni and got married 2 days after he graduated. Been together 39 years.

I think this sounds like a good way to go about it without seeming to overtly critical, thank you!

There’s a bit of a difference between getting engaged and actually getting married

I’d take her out to lunch and have a chat about being happy for her but no need to rush anything. At the very least it sounds like she doesn’t have the means to get married. Don’t volunteer to pay for it! Does her fiance have a job?

My 22 year old daughter got engaged last month, her fiance is 24. They have booked their wedding for 2028.
I have no concerns at all, quite the opposite - I'm incredibly happy.
This man is a walking green flag - and she knows it having been in a terrible relationship previously.
That said, after her masters she landed her dream job and her fiance has a good job so they have been living together for the last 9 months or so.
She isn't choosing marriage/family over career - there is a five year plan where she focuses on career for the next 5 years and then they consider kids.

Because we actually exist. Engaged amd married young. Had a baby 1 year later, Now 55 with 2 grandchildren. Plus a £150k plus income and absolutely fantastic life. Getting engaged young doesn’t lobotomise you.

Yes he is on the civil service fast stream so a good job but definitely not enough to have lots to spare on a wedding. I see your point about being engaged not married I just don't want this to be the reason she says no to opportunities that might come up

Yes, and they don’t seem to understand that this is exactly what the OP doesn’t want, her daughter tied down to the same guy for the next 30 or 40 years at 22!

I was engaged at 19 - didn’t work out
2nd time at 23 - didn’t work out
3rd time at 25 - married him - 2 DC later didn’t work out
4th time at 35 - never got married - we are still good friends and a bit more 25 years later
It’s an engagement not an end to her life, career, hopes and dreams!

They don’t even live together so it does seem soon to get engaged. My guess is that they’ll stay as they are and won’t plan a wedding for at least 5 years when they’re living together and have decent jobs.

I think I would feel much less concerned if she had slightly more stability in other aspects of her life beyond her partner like your daughter seems to.

argh that is really a tough one

Maybe celebrate the engagement, no need to rush the wedding; bit of saving to do, a long engagement. A wedding isnt a band aid; yes the relationship is good but getting married because "hes the only good thing" feels like a poor reason.

Ah OP I could write you a list of happily married people who got married young. I got engaged at 22 fresh out of uni. Had to wait a month for my engagement ring from my husbands first pay packet after graduation. We had nothing but we were supported by both families and never looked back. I am 47 now. My niece did the same near 20 years later and I noticed a lot of comments about how young she was. It made me sad as they are a great couple and now three gorgeous kids.

he’ll be very able then and probably a future high earner, sounds like a good catch!

yes fair point but hopefully she can reassure you on this point if she has her head screwed on. She has plenty of time to figure stuff out .

Hopefully it will work out for her. I do have a couple of friends who married young and it didn’t work out however they have no regrets, learnt from their experiences and things worked out great for both of them long term.

Yes I think a lovely celebratory lunch this weekend could possibly accompany a few probing questions of what might be next.