Family dynamics

[BeRarePlumCrab]

Im a single mum but saw a restaraunt had opened that is more expensive than i would usually pay for a meal out. I would need to save to go but i mentioned it to my mum that it would be nice to go for a celebration ie my kids birthday or another milestone like completing school etc. She looked the place up online and said she would love to go.

Her and my brother live together and i never invite one without the other, it just goes without saying. When i invite them, it usually ends up in us not going at all because they cant commit, but want to go, so i feel like i have to wait for a time they can go which then may never happen and often my kids lose out. If i dont invite, and me and my kids go, i usually get the 'i could have done with a day out, i never get out anywhere' card.

Heres where i feel like i need to ask AIBU, because my feelings are pretty hurt here. A few days ago, i phoned my mum and she told me her and my brother have been to that restaraunt, twice. No invite for us but she did ask if shed upset me and all i could say was you are entitled to go out and do what you like. I had to listen to how amazing it was and what was on the menu. She kept saying have i upset you and all i could do was say no even though i am upset by this. I did remind her i had planned to go and she hit me back with, could i have afforded to go? Which no, not on the spurr of the moment so i dont know if my feelings are valid here.

For context, i invited them on holiday last summer and they couldnt commit so i went ahead and booked for me and the kids. I got told they were upset by this. Ive asked them again this year and theyve given excuses why they cant make it which are reasonable, so it means i have not booked as i dont want to upset anyone.

They still want to go for the meal when its my sons birthday but im seriously thinking about taking just the kids. I invite them to every birthday and celebration but never get invited to my brothers. The family dynamics here are hurtful.

AIBU for feeling the way i do?

She 100% knew what she was doing. Throwing the cost back in your face is pretty obvious. I would question how much time I would spend with my mum if she treated me like that.

Why did you keep saying you're not upset when you are?

If i said i was upset, it would cause issues. Im very much from a family where i dont have a voice. Ive had to write 2 other siblings off and ive even gone no contact with my mum whilst having counselling in the past. My therapist asked me the same question and i couldnt provide an answer then either. I just dont know. Im expected to act in a certain way and told 'i shouldnt feel like that'. Now i dont know what feelings of mine are normal or not hence me asking here.

If you want to keep contact with them just grey rock their 'i would have loved to come upset,
Book the things you want, invite them, they say no.
Then when they complain say. 'I did invite you, you said no' and repeat. Dont get into it any further than that.

If they are doing it to upset you and get a rise out of you theybwill get bored.

You're providing bad witness to your DC. They should be your priority. Be strong, save and take them without your DM anyone else being involved. Show them they come first and don't let them lose out anymore because of others.

You're not unreasonable. Especially given the holiday upset that was voiced to you. Knowing them, do you think it was likely thoughtlessness (as in your feelings just didnt occur to them as something to have considered because, maybe because they're selfabsorbed, maybe because they dont realise you do get hurt due to you hiding it) or something more mean-spirited? The former happens in my family sometimes and I find it reasonably easy to forgive, although it stings a bit at times. The latter would really hurt though.

Could you ring her and say "to be honest mum, when I said i wasn't upset it wasn't true. It did upset me that after discussing something with you that I was excited to try with you, you took DB without telling or inviting me. I'd like to understand why you did that as I have to say it was pretty hurtful".

See what she says when you have a go at using that voice.

This all sounds a bit unhealthy and dependent. You don't live with your mum and have your own kids, you are entitled to go anywhere without inviting them and without feeling guilt. They are too so you shouldn't feel bad they went without you.

You need to reframe your thinking and perhaps ask why there is hurt on both sides if one group goes out without the other (which is completely normal) It might be never growing out of old family patterns and creating an independent, adult relationship with your mum and her with you.

I'd say begin to do your own thing more e.g. those holidays. You'll get pushback (people hate change) but you shouldn't limit yours
and your kids opportunities for others.

but you dropping hints form the start 'it would be nice to go so you can pay' basically, if you wanted to pay and go you could have just taken your kids yourself

but all this game playing and mental gymnastics is not healthy for anyone

She knows i get hurt easily, its repeated throughout my life. I mean she once refused to go somewhere with me because id once had a date in that place. Our usual haunts, shes openly said not to bring friends etc as thats her special place that she doesnt want ruining. Shes so possessive about places then does that to me. Im consciously not letting on im upset because i dont own places, anyone can go and i dont want to be like that. I know she would be upset if i booked her dream destination but thats what sets us apart, i wouldnt do that to her.

I offered to pay for everyone on either of two dates, my sons stand down or his birthday meal. No hints were dropped, no game playing, they agreed. Thats what the plan was.

Then just from now on focus on doing things with your own children and paying for yourselves all this cant be healthy for them

The fact that your mother kept asking you if she had upset you, betrays that she knew she was being thoughtless and hurtful. If she really cared, she’d have put you first. The question was intended to manipulate you into denying that you felt hurt, in order to absolve her. It succeeded in that.

I have no issues with my mum and brother going out together, they regularly do but we'd discussed this for my sons stand down or his birthday meal which are only weeks apart. They agreed to it and im so looking forward to it, we've kept talking about it. If i go out with my kids, its very different. Im made to feel guilty.

You are not made to do anything you choose to feel guilty, your feelings are under your own control, you seem to keep choosing to keep this up, it is up to you to stop it

It would be a lot simpler if they did say no. They dont, im told they cant commit either way. Then the deadline for booking passes and we all miss out. Im wrong if i book for me and my kids and they get upset because they wanted to go. I think the lesson here is keep stum, dont invite and proritise my kids opportunities, just them and i. They did surprisingly agree to this celebratory meal though. What i find hurtful is its ok for them to do it to me but not the otherway around. Maybe its a kickback for the holiday last year. Ive had a few.

Book your holiday.

Your mum is going to be hurtful to you regardless of what you do so start doing things in the best way for you and your kids.

Also when you invite them places, if you continue to do so, make it clear you are going and they are welcome to join rather than making it sound like they have the say on if you go or not.

Agreed but the times i have said its hurt, she tells me im being silly. Just easier to say no. Back to therapy for me.

I’m so sorry. They’ve been awful to you. One thing that really jumped out at me was you saying ‘she knows I get hurt easily’. I’d argue that you’re not ‘getting hurt easily’ but having a completely normal and appropriate response to someone being very hurtful towards you. Sounds like she’s planted the ‘you get hurt easily’ narrative in your mind to make you accept their cruelty.

I agree with you. This is not the first time, its repeated behaviour like the christmas before last, i invited them to york christmas market and they said yes but couldnt commit a date. I sat here waiting for them then found out theyd gone on my brothers birthday which is in december. I was told i was being silly for being upset. Kinda makes things hurt that bit more.

Then give them a deadline for when you need to book. So you and the kids dont miss out.
"Need to know by x date as thats when i am buying tickets."

Or yes dont tell them at all, do you tell them about every minuatae of your life? They dont have to know you went somewhere. Though the kids might mention it. So you will have to be strong enough to deflect any comments.

My mum has been known for interrogating my kids, where, who with etc. My eldest has felt at times that he doesnt want to lie but sees trouble if he tells the truth. I laid down a boundary about it and her words were she wouldnt accept that. Shes my kids overlooker and head of the family. I went nc for months with her and got therapy!

Why are you subjecting your kids to this, next you will drip feed something else cant you see this is harming your children and yet you let it continue

Not sure how to dress it up into something fancy itis wrong yet you are ignoring it

This is the straw that broke the camels back.

They are in their own little world and you are not part of it. You told them about something meaningful to you and they did it on their own without you. Even if it wasn't malicous it was still without consideration and that is hurtful.

They won't change. Don't give them any more of your energy or high expectations. Re-orientate your world to your reality rather than the fantasy that it will all change at some point.

Your feelings are important. I care about them and so do most of the posters on this thread.

You are correct. This is the old narrative that we healed from slipping in again. Im not going to let it happen again but i did want to check if my feelings are unreasonable, they are entitled to go out for dinner together hence me questioning. You see, after therapy, its not a magic wand that suddenly everything is okay now, its something you need to keep working on, in healthy ways but without that support, its easy to let things slip again. Thats why im here, asking what others think about it. With, or without the deep rooted background context.

OP you seriously need help with your boundaries. You keep saying you are not upset when you are in order to preserve a relationship that gives you mostly grief and disappointment. At the very least stop inviting your mum and brother to things. Visit them for acup of tea when you feel like it.