Family dynamics

[BeRarePlumCrab]

Im a single mum but saw a restaraunt had opened that is more expensive than i would usually pay for a meal out. I would need to save to go but i mentioned it to my mum that it would be nice to go for a celebration ie my kids birthday or another milestone like completing school etc. She looked the place up online and said she would love to go.

Her and my brother live together and i never invite one without the other, it just goes without saying. When i invite them, it usually ends up in us not going at all because they cant commit, but want to go, so i feel like i have to wait for a time they can go which then may never happen and often my kids lose out. If i dont invite, and me and my kids go, i usually get the 'i could have done with a day out, i never get out anywhere' card.

Heres where i feel like i need to ask AIBU, because my feelings are pretty hurt here. A few days ago, i phoned my mum and she told me her and my brother have been to that restaraunt, twice. No invite for us but she did ask if shed upset me and all i could say was you are entitled to go out and do what you like. I had to listen to how amazing it was and what was on the menu. She kept saying have i upset you and all i could do was say no even though i am upset by this. I did remind her i had planned to go and she hit me back with, could i have afforded to go? Which no, not on the spurr of the moment so i dont know if my feelings are valid here.

For context, i invited them on holiday last summer and they couldnt commit so i went ahead and booked for me and the kids. I got told they were upset by this. Ive asked them again this year and theyve given excuses why they cant make it which are reasonable, so it means i have not booked as i dont want to upset anyone.

They still want to go for the meal when its my sons birthday but im seriously thinking about taking just the kids. I invite them to every birthday and celebration but never get invited to my brothers. The family dynamics here are hurtful.

AIBU for feeling the way i do?

Yeah, i woke at 2.30am pondering if i was crazy for being upset about a retaurant quite frankly. Crazy.

Book the restaurant for your son's birthday. Don't invite them especially if they are going to expect you to cover the cost, cheeky sods. It seems like its all take, take there and they exclude you rather than reciprocate the cheapskates.

It might be too late to book the holiday you wanted to do, but its not necessarily too late to book anything. Involve your children, set a budget. If it's not enough then as a family work out how you will save for it to go anyway, or how they will save for holiday £. Maybe the restaurant waits until Christmas.

Again, don't say anything to your family. At all. They said not this year so take them at their word and so if it comes up and if there's comment, simply say that they explicitly said "maybe next year' so you got on with it. You have a 16 yr old, you're quite right that the clock is ticking on family holidays and make the most of it especially if your and presumably their lives have been blighted by DV. You completely deserve a holiday as a family.

The family dynamic and the DV is concerning. You need to practice a) insisting on boundaries and b) not giving a damn what someone says or thinks especially as in these examples it is utterly pathetic that they are getting their noses out of joint at you having any sort of life and not waiting around to be graced by their attention. You will be treated as you expect to be so please, please raise your expectations.

You’re bit crazy.

and I understand.

I would love for you to go to that restaurant and post back here that you went.

Youre NOT crazy that’s supposed to say 😂

Book the holiday. They aren't bothered about upsetting you. Don't let them stop you living your life. A message to say you are booking on Sunday so please let you know if they can make it by Saturday is sufficient. How could they be upset after that and if they are they are the unreasonable ones.

Someone on here suggested to look up the golden child and scapegoat theory. It fit like a glove and might be worth you reading too.

Very very very aware of the golden child and scapegoat theory! It’s totally that in my family 😂

You’re all far too tied up in each other’s lives. You need a little distance.

Omg - these two are unreal!! How nasty and spiteful. Regardless if they are family - I would put in some huge boundaries and just start doing your own thing - if you don’t let them in they can’t manipulate you! They won’t like the change! You need to think of yourself and your kids - how dare they treat you all like that. No more!

Exactly. This unhealthy enmeshment isn’t doing you any favours.

Hi op your mum is a bitch it sounds like they went and she told you to deliberately to upset you and that’s why she kept asking you she wanted you to be upset. Not sure of db and mum living together but you owe them a big fat zero your a grown woman if you ask and they won’t commit you just say ok I’m going anyway you need to put yourself first they don’t put you first. Op forget holidays with them make memories with your dc your mum sounds toxic and your db is obviously favourite dc and don’t feel guilt for doing things without them you have left home you have had children you don’t need there permission to do anything so don’t let them stop you doing things you want to do. Next time it’s an occasion and you want to invite them just say going to x on x day if you want to come if not that’s ok with me I don’t expect you to always do things with me. You are bigger than both of them selfish twits. Blood relatives aren’t always worth the time and worry.

It sounds utterly toxic for you and your children.

Choose yourself and choose peace.
Step away.

Yes, thank you. Im doubting my own mind and feelings. It wasnt about them going out together for a meal, it was their choice of place to eat knowing i had planned it for my sons celebration. We are living our own lives now and lots of day trips planned. Just me and mine.

If I were you I would also consider whether I actually wanted to go on holiday with these people. I'm sure you'd have a much better time with just your DC.