AIBU to think paying grandparents for after-school childcare feels unusual

[Wendyhose]

I don’t mean as in the 5 day a week childcare but the 2-3 days afterschool care arrangements. If they are skint then I can understand that it’s a way of them getting money and you getting childcare but if they are ok financially, I do think it’s quite an odd arrangement that kind of alters the relationship.

For the record I’ve paid a grandparent, crèche and childminder over the years

Goodness me, you've made them sound proper evil. Boomers eh, what are they like?

Depends on individual financial circumstances. I have friends in their 50s/early 60s who have dropped hours at work to care for their GC. Not everyone can afford to do this. I also know someone who pays their mum to do household tasks for them. A lot of people nearing retirement are in quite difficult financial circumstances so I guess it suits both parties; someone trusted with the house and the DC, probably cash in hand.

You are judging people having a laugh and a joke with acquaintances they meet at the school gate? And the phrase ‘we don’t need money, pensions give us all we need’ most likely just means that they don’t have expensive needs any more, they are generally happy with the cheaper things in life. But a bit of extra never goes amiss, surely.

So why would buying ad-hoc gifts/vouchers be ok, but not paying them a set amount?

I would rather someone gave me £50 than spend £50 buying me chocolates and a bottle of wine (for example). If someone is doing you a favour, it's nice to "appreciate" them in the way that they would like to be appreciated.

Covering food costs etc or providing some form of thank you gift is quite common I suspect. However, if parents were to start paying wages to grandparents they’d start having to operate payroll & apply PAYE etc so I expect that is very rare as most people would not want the hassle.

Well it’s very different. If I agree a salary or set amount then that’s payment for a job done.

Showing appreciation is more ad hoc and likely lower cost. These are two very different things

In that case, I completely understand. Where there is a financial need, it’s understandable. But it’s odd that so many grandparents are taking payment that doesn’t go towards basics, but instead is funding lifestyle.

I think things have shifted over a generation. My granny minded me for a year or so and no payment was made. An aunt also looked after us after school and no payment was made. Neither of them were well off but they didn’t have a ‘lifestyle’.

By the time it got to my DC, grandparents were being paid quite often.
It’s like the sort of professionalisation of grandparents caring for grandchildren. It’s an interesting societal trend

My dm gave up work to look after my nephew, so my sister happily transferred money to her each month to at least cover petrol, food, nappies etc. Saved my sister a fortune. Women are told too often that significant unpaid labour is an honour and a duty.

If it's regular childcare then yes if its just random childcare then no. Kids are expensive and gp shouldn't be out of pocket looking after them. Its petrol, food, extra heating, extra water, extra electric, soft play, cinema, toys etc etc

We help a lot with childcare and I certainly don’t expect to be paid but then that’s because we can manage financially. On the other hand it is a big commitment and restricts what we can do for two days a week plus myself and husband work part time Even if it’s just school/ nursery pick up it’s still a commitment that we have agreed to.
My daughter and husband are very appreciative which makes a big difference!
I totally understand why some GPs need a form of payment covering petrol/ outings costs etc .

Well if GPs cannot work because they are helping out with childcare how else can they fund their lifestyle ’?

I think a lot of it is that women’s lifestyles have changed (because let’s face it, we’re largely talking about women, grandmothers here) and along with it their expectations for their lives. The majority of women in their fifties and sixties who are now becoming grandmothers have worked for most of their lives and live lives which are much less revolved around the home, unlike many of their own mothers and grandmothers who were more likely to not have, and weren’t raised to think of childcare and housework as their role in life. My grandmother, born in the 1930s, was a housewife all her adult life, and provided a lot of care to us as children - she saw that as her role, her job, because it always had been and she’d grown up thinking of it that way, in much less of a way than many of my women colleagues in their fifties and sixties who are talking about dropping to part time because their adult DC are struggling for childcare, do. It is, essentially, another job when it’s not just enjoying spending time with your grandchildren on your own terms but committing to always being there for set days.

Shinyhappyapple

I didn’t judge them I thought it was sad that they obviously wished they got more appreciation and a bit of money for everything they do!

KaleidoscopeSmile

I didn’t mean to make them sound evil that was how it went, I was thinking ffs they should at least be given appreciation! And I’m late 40s!!

Yeah it is wrong. Paying them is actively taking money away from their own grandchildren. Morally repugnant I would say.

I paid my mum for a while for 1 day a week, at half the nursery rate (so win-win). Also without paying her I’d be obliged to buy her coffees and cake whether we were out and not be paid back for ad hoc shopping I did for her, which I reckoned would be more expensive…

I wax very lucky that my parents are affluent enough to not care and they actively wanted a strong relationship with my children.

i guess I think it’s a bit weird, did they ask or demand initially? Are you sure you didn’t fall into it by being polite?

Sorry, but your sister sounds like a cf! Not even providing a car seat or push chair?! That's crazy. But, also, your mam should have said something to her.

Totally agree on both points. They're also both have very differently poor and conflicting communication styles. DSis is half in a world of her own and just wouldn't think to offer, so would need to be told directly to pay/provide items, probably quite bluntly as she just doesn't notice hints. In contrast DM is really passive, so would skirt around the issue even if the costs were unaffordable, she wouldn't say anything and would go without herself.

Not only having feelings about being taken for granted, but laughing at younger people. Disgraceful.

And I think @ComtesseDeSpair that’s what the major change is. They see it as another job, and payment then follows. It’s not the GP who need an income and give up work to basically take on another paid job (childcare) that I find jarring.
It’s the GP who maybe don’t really ‘need’ the money but use it for a lifestyle. I think that’s the shift, a generation ago this would be strange, now it’s quite normal.

Its true people's lifestyles have changed and they expect a lifestyle into old age, it’s just interesting that they are now comfortable with their children funding this, when in previous generations they would have supplied childcare as ‘help’.

And I do only mean the couple of days after school type childcare. Not 9-5, 5 days a week with a baby.

Sorry what? How is it taking money away from the grandchildren? Does all the parents' money really belong to the child? In which case isn't the parents going out for a drink also stealing from the poor children?

But not paying them can mean the GP are spending money they can ill afford on fuel, food and activities.

Aren't most grandparents of children young enough to need after school care actually still working age now?

Twenty years ago state pension age for women was 60 and my mother's peers were often accepting employer initiated early retirement even younger - that doesn't seem to ever be offered now, and the extra eight to ten years overlaps with the likely age for having primary school aged grandchildren.

Obviously there's lots of variety, but if average age for having a first baby is 29, average age for having a first four year old grandchild would be 62, so it is exactly that sweet spot.

My mother retired before turning 60 but didn't do any childcare at all, and I don't have grandchildren but young adult children so just pondering. I had my first child at 30, and when my first child is 30 I'll still have seven or eight years to work (which just at the moment is soul destroying - where I live there is talk of increasing retirement age to 70, and my job is exhausting me now in my 50s...).

Being paid for childcare would only compensate for giving up work hours if the grandparent works for minimum wage cash in hand surely - things like the hit to pension is the reason many people try to slog on full time as they get older (though arguably that was an exercise in futility).

I think taking money as payment rather than for food/ entrance fees or similar expenses would be a bit humiliating precisely because it would have to be a lot less than the salary/ wage/ pension contributions sacrificed.

But did your granny and your aunt have a paying job that they had to give up in order to look after you? That’s the crucial difference.