To contact my estranged sister?

[worldshottestmom]

Its gonna be a long one...

Me (28) and my sister (32) were extremely close growing up. We were raised in a highly volatile, abusive and neglectful household and she was like a second mother to me, protecting me from abuse on multiple occasions. Despite the bad parts, we had a genuinely lovely bond growing up and some really lovely, fun times together.

As we each moved out to do our own thing, the contact became lesser, which is fine as thats what happens in life and we were doing our own thing. While I was at uni she was struggling with an abusive relationship and I played a major role in getting her out of it. I was very supportive and we became closer again (mostly online due to distance).

When I returned home from uni, I made an effort to speak to her and do things together, at first she agreed, and we ended up working together and it felt like we had rebuilt a nice new adult relationship. I really enjoyed having her around, and I only really stayed in that job because it meant that I got to see her more. She does have depression, so often times she was quite moody and irritable but I took it on the chin as I didnt want to ostracise her for something that she couldn't control, even though it made me feel pretty down at times (though she's always been like this due to our childhood, so its understandable).

However, then I fell pregnant, and things just changed. She didnt speak to me for 2 weeks after I told her. She just said it was a lot for her to process.

After having my son, she didnt make much of an effort to contact me at all, and by this point it was already pretty minimal. She met my son at 2 weeks old, then kept cancelling planned meet ups after that.

Last January, she moved to a different area in the UK, and I have seen her once since. I had my second child when she was still living near to me, and despite me offering her to come over and meet her or do other things, she didnt meet my daughter until she was 19 months old (when she visited from her new location). This really upset me tbh and I always thought she would be there to support me through motherhood, and just be a supportive sister really.

I sometimes wonder if she may be jealous that I had children, or had them before her? Im not saying it's this but I find it strange that its since then she's been majorly off with me. She maintained from an early age that she did not want children.

Present day, I always message her on her birthday, Christmas, just randomly to see how she is, etc - she doesnt open the message for weeks and then leaves it on read. When we were working together she told me she does this when she can't be bothered speaking to people. Never thought I would become one of the people she hates speaking to.

A part of me feels it could be her depression that had caused her to be this way with me, but the last time I seen her she had all these things she was looking forward to doing, a brilliant new job, looked really well in herself, was showing photos from her being with friends and I was so happy for her and so proud of her for getting herself into such a good place. I know she still has depression; but it seems therapy and medication is enabling her to handle it well - of course, I can't know how it is affecting her deep down. We said we would meet up at hers next time and she can show me around where she lives. I contacted her a few weeks after her visit to mine to see when she would want to do this and said I was really looking forward to it - no response, didn't open the message.

Aibu to be hurt by this? I want to contact her but it feels as though she has gone NC with me and I dont know why. I dont think ive done anything wrong. I've always been on her side, even during times when I shouldn't have been, always supported her, responded quickly to her messages etc - I just really dont understand. I haven't been pushy with contact either, I don't message her every day. I've given her plenty of space, I just don't get why she can't respond to one message.

its bothering me because I feel really low and unsupported with a lot going on. I just want to talk to my sister but she just doesn't want me and it bloody hurts. I want to know that she's okay as well, i sometimes just lay here at night wondering what she's doing or if she's alright. I want to hear about her day and listen to her moan about work. Just anything, a relationship of some sort. I know i can't force contact, but i just feel so deeply sad and hurt and want to at least know what I've done wrong.

My thoughts on reasons why she doesn't want to contact me:

• her depression
• because I have kids
• I have a close relationship with our mum, and she doesnt (out of choice, she is unresponsive with her as well, but at least picks up the phone sometimes)
• i went to uni and she didnt, at the time it felt like she was a bit bitter about it, but still spoke to me
• ?????

My only issue is how on earth do I even reach out to her when she won't answer the damn phone or even open my messages. You know at my lowest point I was actually considering writing her a letter, but she won't give her address to anybody.

Yabu- don't contact her
Yanbu - contact her (but how?)

Gently, I think the possibility that she is significantly affected by her childhood and that you are a reminder of that is also a possibility here. Maybe you having children triggered a lot of thoughts and memories for her around this. I don’t have any advice but just thought that was an important factor too. Not that you have done anything wrong at all, but it might just be a lot for her to face x

I don’t think this is you op - I think it is her and she may well feel threatened by you or your achievements in life

I don’t think there’s much point in contacting her because she clearly can’t move past her jealousy

Thank you - I had considered this but forgot to put it in the post and well its long enough as it is already lol. I feel like it could be that her seeing me with my mum brings up past feelings of trauma, or perhaps like you say seeing me with my own children is triggering in this regard? Its just a really upsetting situation to be honest i so want her to be involved but I know i can't force it and it's just frustrating 😕 x

Thank you for this. I just don't understand why she would be jealous, I have never tried to rub anything in her face and always tried to get her to join in with things and celebrated her achievements. I just wish there was some way to get through to her im finding it heartbreaking to be honest 🫤

I’m really sorry to hear this and have had two close friends treat me similarly so no advice but sad for you to go through this too as it is very painful

Have you asked her why she’s ghosting you?
That would be the first thing to do. Send a text asking directly why she’s ghosting you and then don’t contact her, no more Christmas birthday or other wishes at all. Just let it go.

Thank you - I appreciate the solidarity. Im sorry your friends are like this too. It really does just feel so miserable doesnt it.

Op you sound so lovely, I am so sorry for what you went through. Have you ever had counselling yourself?

Has she gone NC with your parents too? Do you see them? You said you see your mum?

Eek, well, I have thought about this. I do feel the only way to know is to be direct. But she just doesnt work like that, in confrontation in real life she just shuts down, doesnt respond and leaves the room/building to avoid having to take accountability. She has always been this way so I guess I just tolerated it and adapted my own behaviour not to upset her/either of us.

My only fear is that due to her avoidance of confrontation, if i send that message then the entire relationship will be dead in the water with no chance of revival. I know for a fact she would never contact me again after that, and Im just scared. Scared to cut the cord and lose her completely. I agree it is what I probably should do, but I just dont think i can yet.

You both grew up in an abusive and neglectful family. But she protected and shielded you, meaning she bore the brunt of it. She then went on to another abusive relationship (very common scenario). She will be highly traumatised and likely finds life very difficult.
Whereas you have gone to uni, had children, and have a relationship with your mother (was your mother abusive?!).
Your life reminds her of the life she wasn’t allowed to have. Keep in touch if she is important to you, but respect her wish for distance.

You grew up in an abusive and volatile household but have regular contact with your mother? Your sister was required to grow up too fast in order to take care of you. Often older children in these situations take on a protective role which puts them even more in the firing line. She likely far more damaged by her childhood than you were by yours. Such damage often leads to failing to meet ambitions (eg attending uni) and making it harder to maintain adult relationships (eg partner and kids).

None of this is your fault, but it isn’t really surprising that she wanted a fresh start and I don’t think it’s fair to blame her tbh.

Aw thank you, I do try to be! I have had therapy a few times and am on a waiting list to have it again for a whole host of things ive had happen and have going on. I would be keen to discuss this in sessions.

Well, this is where it gets weird. It was my dad who was abusive (physically, emotionally, mentally), yet before moving away last year she had randomly started to go and see him again. Albeit he is now disabled and compeltley immobile in an assisted living facility, and I really dont understand why she went. I tried to respect her decision at the time by not really asking / digging deep about it and assumed it was some sort of healing she was doing or something. She has seen him once since leaving.

She speaks to my mum and sees her a few times a year. She doesnt speak to her much at all though, my mum calls her every other week and texts her every week or will send her a funny meme or whatever. 9 times out of 10 she doesnt respond or answer the phone. Its like shes just isolated herself and wants nothing to do with us

Oh, and walking away from confrontation isn’t avoiding accountability. It’s having perfectly sensible boundaries. Particularly after suffering abuse.

I have no such history but refuse to deal with any adult who thinks confrontations are a productive way to handle things! Perhaps you need to look at whether your manner in “being direct” triggers her (and I mean that literally, as PTSD is common in abuse survivors).

Forgive me if I’m wrong and it’s just how your post is worded but I also wondered whether it’s possible that as the older sister she has always taken the brunt of what sounds like a very difficult childhood plus felt a responsibility or need to look after you growing up. It’s common in sibling relationships with traumatic childhoods. I noticed your post mentions a few times about missing and wanting her support, but maybe she’s worked really hard to support you already when you were both much younger. Also I wonder if it’s not so much that she’s jealous of you going to uni in the usual green eyed envy way but maybe more that you “got out” of the situation and maybe she didn’t. And you also feel able to sustain a relationship with your mum whereas she doesn’t feel able to do this. So even though her life looks good now (apart from the depression) the scars might run deep. Four years between you now is nothing; but four years when you were both little is a big difference and her experience might have been very different to yours. It’s very sad and I understand you wanting it to be all OK but maybe seeing it at a deeper level of hurt and impact and coping might allow you to hold both of your experiences with a lot of kindness and grace. She may no longer be able to give you the relationship you want but you can only keep being there for her in case she can in the future. Best wishes & sorry for a long post.

Im not blaming her at all; i just dont understand what her problem is with me specifically is what im getting at.

My mother wasnt abusive to us, she booted my dad out quite soon after the physical abuse started on us (he beat all of us). It was definitely worse for her due to her protecting me, but the protection was mostly when we were older against my brother (who ended up being abusive as well, but not physically) moreso when being shouted at, etc - one time took me out of the house when it was all going on and consoled me, for instance, yet i know she was also a child and should of been being consoled, too.

I also wasnt getting down on her for not going to uni, kids, etc, it was just a possible reason why she might have an issue with me. I dont think you can really measure who is more affected by it. I think her life following moving out was very hard on her, but i helped her through it and physically got her out of that shit situation - and just dont understand why she wouldnt want to know me now given all we have done for eachother.

I was in abusive relationship for 10 years from the age of 18, and noone helped me. I needed her a lot when it was going on at times, but felt I couldn't even message her as I didnt want to trigger her - even though she knew how bad it was.

I feel really confused about all of this to be honest and I dont know if im making all that much sense. I love her, I don't blame her at all, I just want my sister back but it seems the general consensus that I just need to let her go.

Yes i know from experience. That's why im not direct with her and adapted my behaviour to avoid causing confrontation between us. It seems you have a formed a view that im the needy little sister who hasn't endured anything and she was just thrown to the wolves to protect me. It was not like that at all.

I get that you are upset but I am guessing your DSis is suffering the life long impact of a traumatic and abusive childhood, and quite understandably may be struggling with the fact that you are on good terms with your mum - who by the sounds of it enabled your dad's abuse. She obviously isn't ignoring you out of spite and likely wanting the distance to overcome the trauma and have a fresh start. I feel sorry for both of you really.

Thank you. She did protect me, but I was still abused, and I think ive made it seem that I wasnt because she took it all which isnt the case. My mum wasnt abusive, it was my dad and then my brother once my dad had gone. I do think she has certain feelings about my mum and I know those feelings are valid.

I was just struggling to understand why she would have such a problem with me but theres a common theme in the responses now and its beginning to make sense. I think I will just be there from a distance, and I guess I have to just accept that she doesnt want a relationship. If she ever does in the future I will be here.

Im sorry, I thought from your OP your children were born during a healthy relationship. It sounds like you need some serious therapy yourself really. Your abusive relationship must have ended very recently (unless it is ongoing). And it could well be that which caused her to step back. Watching you repeat the same pattern as your mother and herself will have taken its toll on her too, as I’m sure you’re aware.

I’m sorry you didn’t have anyone who could support you.

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. If I've understood what you've said you expect her to continue supporting your through adulthood as well as childhood? She might feel that she supported you throughout your life and doesn't want to now 'support you through motherhood' as well, especially if she doesn't want her own children. She may well be ready to be supported herself, not have to play the mother role again.

She may well not be able to articulate what her problem is with you. But she’s had a hell of a time and protected you when you needed it most. Just respect her boundaries now, it’s obvious she doesn’t want contact-don’t push her.

Your previous post was judgemental of your sister for refusing to engage in confrontation. That is simply wrong. Refusing to engage is a good thing she does in order to protect herself.

OP I am sorry you both went through this with your DP.

Has your DS indicated that she finds it difficult to be in contact with you? Has she voiced this directly? Or would you be able to ask her outright in a kind way what is stopping her from having regular contact with you, or a sibling relationship?

It may surprise you what she will tell you. I dont think its jealousy, I think its more delicate than that. I have a similar story to yours and there have been periods in me and my DS life where we just couldn't face things. I have a different more complex relationship with our DP. At one point I almost cut DS out altogether due to a conflict that really wasnt ours to start with, but a complex family dinamic, parental alienation and tragic family history. It was too much for both of us. It was not till we were both in our 50´s that we learnt why we were always at odds with one another, both had therapy and we are good as gold today.

I hope you reach out to her and you open up on how you miss her, and be genuine about the reason why you like her in your life.

She probably thinks that you've 'recovered' while she hasn't and can't deal with that. Has she had any counselling?

my older sister was the oldest of us five children - and she decided at a young age that after she saw what my mum went through she was never going to have children. Such was the courage of her convicition, the thought of accidentally falling pregnant mortified her so much she has her tubes tied about the age of 25 (she was married at the time). More than 10 years later in her late 30s, after her marriage broke up and she met a man who wanted kids, she had IVF and become a mother about the age of 38.
You could be living the life she secretly wants.
Or she could be very upset you have maintained a relaitonship with your mother after she had made sacrifices to protect you from her.