To contact my estranged sister?

[worldshottestmom]

Its gonna be a long one...

Me (28) and my sister (32) were extremely close growing up. We were raised in a highly volatile, abusive and neglectful household and she was like a second mother to me, protecting me from abuse on multiple occasions. Despite the bad parts, we had a genuinely lovely bond growing up and some really lovely, fun times together.

As we each moved out to do our own thing, the contact became lesser, which is fine as thats what happens in life and we were doing our own thing. While I was at uni she was struggling with an abusive relationship and I played a major role in getting her out of it. I was very supportive and we became closer again (mostly online due to distance).

When I returned home from uni, I made an effort to speak to her and do things together, at first she agreed, and we ended up working together and it felt like we had rebuilt a nice new adult relationship. I really enjoyed having her around, and I only really stayed in that job because it meant that I got to see her more. She does have depression, so often times she was quite moody and irritable but I took it on the chin as I didnt want to ostracise her for something that she couldn't control, even though it made me feel pretty down at times (though she's always been like this due to our childhood, so its understandable).

However, then I fell pregnant, and things just changed. She didnt speak to me for 2 weeks after I told her. She just said it was a lot for her to process.

After having my son, she didnt make much of an effort to contact me at all, and by this point it was already pretty minimal. She met my son at 2 weeks old, then kept cancelling planned meet ups after that.

Last January, she moved to a different area in the UK, and I have seen her once since. I had my second child when she was still living near to me, and despite me offering her to come over and meet her or do other things, she didnt meet my daughter until she was 19 months old (when she visited from her new location). This really upset me tbh and I always thought she would be there to support me through motherhood, and just be a supportive sister really.

I sometimes wonder if she may be jealous that I had children, or had them before her? Im not saying it's this but I find it strange that its since then she's been majorly off with me. She maintained from an early age that she did not want children.

Present day, I always message her on her birthday, Christmas, just randomly to see how she is, etc - she doesnt open the message for weeks and then leaves it on read. When we were working together she told me she does this when she can't be bothered speaking to people. Never thought I would become one of the people she hates speaking to.

A part of me feels it could be her depression that had caused her to be this way with me, but the last time I seen her she had all these things she was looking forward to doing, a brilliant new job, looked really well in herself, was showing photos from her being with friends and I was so happy for her and so proud of her for getting herself into such a good place. I know she still has depression; but it seems therapy and medication is enabling her to handle it well - of course, I can't know how it is affecting her deep down. We said we would meet up at hers next time and she can show me around where she lives. I contacted her a few weeks after her visit to mine to see when she would want to do this and said I was really looking forward to it - no response, didn't open the message.

Aibu to be hurt by this? I want to contact her but it feels as though she has gone NC with me and I dont know why. I dont think ive done anything wrong. I've always been on her side, even during times when I shouldn't have been, always supported her, responded quickly to her messages etc - I just really dont understand. I haven't been pushy with contact either, I don't message her every day. I've given her plenty of space, I just don't get why she can't respond to one message.

its bothering me because I feel really low and unsupported with a lot going on. I just want to talk to my sister but she just doesn't want me and it bloody hurts. I want to know that she's okay as well, i sometimes just lay here at night wondering what she's doing or if she's alright. I want to hear about her day and listen to her moan about work. Just anything, a relationship of some sort. I know i can't force contact, but i just feel so deeply sad and hurt and want to at least know what I've done wrong.

My thoughts on reasons why she doesn't want to contact me:

• her depression
• because I have kids
• I have a close relationship with our mum, and she doesnt (out of choice, she is unresponsive with her as well, but at least picks up the phone sometimes)
• i went to uni and she didnt, at the time it felt like she was a bit bitter about it, but still spoke to me
• ?????

My only issue is how on earth do I even reach out to her when she won't answer the damn phone or even open my messages. You know at my lowest point I was actually considering writing her a letter, but she won't give her address to anybody.

Yabu- don't contact her
Yanbu - contact her (but how?)

Thank you so much for this. I know, I dont know why im shocked some people found a way to turn this around to attack me, but this is MN lol. Thats exactly it, I just miss her. I just want to speak to her. I think from being abused myself I have a propensity to assume that I am to blame, but I have come to realise it is most likely just her way of dealing with things while she is on her own healing journey, and I just need to respect that. Thank you ❤️

"deliberately made yourself vulnerable to the things she struggled to escape from."

?

Thats in interesting point, though in that instance it would be me being resentful of her, which im not. I feel that she is resentful of my mother for failing to protect us both while my dad was there, and then from my brother. I think shes NC with me because perhaps she cannot face that me and our mother have a close relationship, and that brings up too much buried trauma for her. I am just going to leave her to it, I just hope she knows Im here if she ever needs me or wants to talk

When women have dc, they have additional responsibilities. They are made vulnerable by their need to look after DC, they sacrifice themselves for their DC and suffer hardship for them. Thats fine, it’s a choice I made, it’s a perfectly reasonable choice.

For your sister, it may seem reckless. She found herself in that position because of your mum’s neglect and your dad’s abuse. It wasn’t a choice she made. If she was just about coping, you choosing to take on extra responsibilities might feel very threatening for her.

I have been in the position of supporter. I minimised my demands on someone, because I knew they were under pressure and I didn’t want to ask for help when they were already committed. Then they took on several, entirely voluntary, new responsibilities. I stepped back. I was protecting them from my needs. They chose to take on more. So I stopped seeing them as a friend and stepped away. Their priorities were elsewhere. I needed to prioritise myself.

Does that make sense? No one is wrong. Just having different capacities to cope.

I agree with this poster. I would also add that I do get a sense that you might still want her support as a big sister (you say as much), but her childhood was spent parenting and protecting you. Her childhood was awful. She's probably done with parenting you and now you have children and may want to lean on her even more. And then there's your relationship with your mum. There's such a lot and so much about roles. I think she's opting out and it's not at all surprising. That's not to say that any of it is your fault. Your childhood was alleviated by her, to her own cost. Your parents - both of them - have a lot to answer for.

You need to forge a relationship with yourself - you need to build your own stable sense of self - that you can trust your own gut, that you can self soothe, that you can sense what the parameters are in relationship with others. This is what healing looks like - being emotionally stable within yourself so that you can cope with the ebbs and flows of life and create a simple, calm, peaceful and gentle home for your DCs with an attuned, steady responsive (not reactive) mother. This will be a world away from the chaos, drama, firefighting and emotional intensity of your own childhood. It might even be really boring for you - but this is what an emotionally healthy home looks like. Childhood is short and you need to get it right if you want resilient teens and not ones starting off with lifelong chronic MH issues. It’s all in the here and now and it’s about you looking inwards with compassion and support. To do this you might need to mentally detach from what causes you to be concerned or distressed. Acceptance and using your agency to adapt is the way forward.

The earlier post about why your DS wants to get in contact with your DF is relevant and there may be some similar dynamics outlined that might be subconsciously active for you with your DS - because she was effectively your parent and parented and protected you better than your biological parents. That’s why her distance is so excruciating for you. But she was the ‘parentified child’ which is a hideous and hobbling extra burden in an abusive childhood. It absolutely stunts you in adulthood and leaves significant intractable MH issues. Ask me how I know! It’s very hard, as others have said, to watch your child/sibling walk into everything you tried to protect them from but as a child yourself you hold deep guilt. Also life gets harder and MH issues pull you down and you have literally nothing left to give and are barely stumbling through each day. The huge hole you have inside needs to be reparented so that you can feel sure and strong in your life and not pulled and pushed by the chaos and emotions of others. Read up on childhood emotional development, attachment styles, complex PTSD and also look up online “Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families” as there is so much patterns to become aware of and take responsibility for changing. Best of luck to you. You are pining for a parent because you didn’t have one and parts of your emotional development is incomplete - but your DS isn’t the parent and you have to reparent your inner child compassionately yourself with lots of online info and professional support. You are doing great.

Ah I understand now, thank you for explaining. I thought you were saying i basically put myself in an abusive relationship lol. That makes a lot of sense though, and I think this may be exactly it when considering the way she is in general.

I think initially, for a long time I was a bit trapped in my own thoughts and feelings that she was essentially abandoning me in some regard, which she of course wasn't but I would be lying if I said that isn't how I felt. I think her watching my abusive relationship from the outside in probably terrified her, and she just couldn't cope with it, let alone provide support.

Thank you for saying this. It has given me a new way of thinking about her reasons for being NC, and I feel that now that im coming to understand it more its making me more at peace with the whole situation.

I feel that a lot of times in life, and especially on the Internet, someone can pose a question and someone else gives a response, and if the initial poster doesnt immediately understand then others jump on calling them ignorant, etc (im not saying you have). However I think with things as complex and deep as this, it can take people a while to understand and wrap their heads around it, its not as simple as '1 + 1 = 2, why dont you get it yet?'

Thank you again

I agree with them too, and yes but it was more something I was hoping to achieve later down the line, not just contacting her to ask for help. I just wanted a baseline relationship of hi how's your day been, at the very least.

Im not sure why some people have interpreted my post as that she protected me from all harm and I had a great childhood. I was beaten, I was neglected, I was emotionally and mentally abused. I have intrusive images of the abuse. My childhood was not alleviated by her, and it was not her responsibility to do so. She protected me at times from it when she had no requirement to do so, and for that I am eternally grateful to her for, and will always feel guilt because of it. Im not trying to lessen what she did to protect me from harm in any way, but please dont think that im the one that came out unscathed, because im really not. I also only went to uni to escape the abuse from my brother btw, at which point she had been moved out for 4 years.

To be honest at this point, after reading the contributions from this thread, I dont blame her either. Im coming to gain a deeper understanding of why she may need to be NC with me, rather than want. I respect her decision. If thats what it takes for her to heal, while it hurts me greatly, I support her and hope she can become the best version of herself by doing this.

I agree they both do have a lot to answer for, and I tried years ago to get answers. I soon realised it was the equivalent of trying to get blood out of a stone and chose to just move past it. My mum shows me shes sorry and that she cares in so many ways, each and every single day. I think this is down to how people communicate and the way their own pasts impact them, and its just something I have to accept.

I appreciate the insight, thank you

You’ve both been through awful times. You’re both scarred. But your experiences were different to each other and you’ll both process your past differently.

I’ve been your sister. I’m ashamed that I distanced myself from my younger sister. I was jealous of how she seemingly got her life sorted. Even when it became apparent that her life wasn’t all rosy, I couldn’t reach out to her. I needed to process my trauma in my own way and I was unable to share the journey with her.

but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t give my life for her or her children if needed. The bond we shared as children will always be there even if we don’t speak or see each other for months.

if I were you, I’d keep a light touch contact. Send memes or pics of the kids or postcards from places you went to together as children. Not something that she needs to respond to. Just the odd message to show her you are still thinking of her. I’m sure she’s still thinking of you.

you’ve been through hell. Look after yourself and keep hope alive that you’ll reconnect at some point. If she’s anything like me, She’ll always love you.

This made me really emotional to read and im not quite sure how to react to be quite honest. I very dearly appreciate your advice and words of wisdom here. Its like it has touched a part of me that hasn't been touched in so long. I think dealing with the everyday trials and tribulations of raising my own DC has compeltley distracted me from acknlowdging all of this; that I essentially crave a stable parent that I never got, and only I can parent my inner child now. It is my responsibility. I just dont know how to even begin doing that given that I was never taught the emotional skillset to do so.

Im going to have a look now at Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families. I think I have always been subconsciously scared of looking into this, due to it bringing up my own trauma. But I so desperately want to be the best mum I can be to my children and this is the only way to achieve that. I do think I am a great mum, my kids are so abundantly happy and well cared for and I feel a real sense of achievement from that. But I do have this doubt in the back of my mind that one day my unhealed trauma and inner conflicts are going to end up affecting them; they could be already and Im just oblivious to it.

Im going to make a plan to educate myself on all of this, and formally begin my own healing journey. While I have had therapy in the past, I feel there is still so much within me that is unresolved and it is up to me to fix it. I want to gain a solid emotional skill set that can enable me to seek support within myself, and become emotionally self-sufficient.

Im sorry for the lengthy reply, I just really did appreciate this comment. Thank you so much

This sent me over the edge im crying lol. Im so sorry that your relationship with your own sister ended up this way, but fully understand why you chose to go NC for your own sake. Im beginning to really grasp how important, deep and complex all of this is for her. I dont want her to feel like im trying to force anything but equally want her to know that I care so much about her and love and miss her so deeply. But I think that would be too overwhelming for her.

I like that idea a lot. I think sending her photos from places we went to together in our teens especially would be a brilliant idea, thank you! I think im going to keep the focus on me and her, without including my DC or mum in our talks. I think we could maybe start there. Im not going to bombard her with messages, but as you say i think a light touch of contact would perhaps be a way forward. If she doesnt want to, then I respect that entirely and will stop.

I am keeping that hope alive. I hope you are one day able to reconnect with your own sister, and you have my biggest sympathies as I know how deeply hard it is. Im sure your sister loves you too, look after yourself, as well - its all we can do.

This is a helpful post and might build a bit more on my earlier post. You said you feel / felt abandoned by her - that’s a deep and painful feeling - but in reality you were abandoned by your mother in your childhood and this is maybe the pain you are feeling and projecting it on to your DS - as she was your proxy parent at the time. Maybe it is too painful for you to look too closely at who and how you were abandoned throughout your childhood? I know you say that your DM is making amends with acts of support now which is great - but have you actually examined, explored how she neglected and abandoned you day in day out and come to terms with that because maybe that is unresolved for you and that’s why your DS putting in distance is felt as abandonment? This doesn’t require you to have a conflict with your DM - but it would require you digging up the pain of her actions / choices / impact with a therapist and allowing yourself to feel that trauma and then process it and resolve it. I had a similar situation as a child - my mother’s emotional issues hugely impacted and blighted my childhood and emotional development. She was amazing to me as an adult and her trauma wasn’t her fault - she had no intention to lean on me, neglect me etc - but the impact is still the same - I was left broken. I can hold two opposing things about her that she was inadequate, fragile, vulnerable, volatile as well as deeply loving (when I was an adult - she was too consumed when I was a child), strong, supportive. I just wonder if the parentification enmeshment with you and your DS is as troubling as the separate abuse you both endured.

It's great that you're so open to feedback @worldshottestmom and to looking at things from different perspectives. I'm sorry your childhood was so difficult and traumatic. Your pain isn't any less just because your sister had additional responsibility. You have grasped that your sister's distance probably isn't a decision made about you as a person, but about complex feelings around the wider situation. It's very sad and you're very wise to try and stay open to her in the long term. I really wish you all the best. There's a lot of pain here 💐

“I think I have always been subconsciously scared of looking into this, due to it bringing up my own trauma. But I so desperately want to be the best mum I can be to my children and this is the only way to achieve that. I do think I am a great mum, my kids are so abundantly happy and well cared for and I feel a real sense of achievement from that. But I do have this doubt in the back of my mind that one day my unhealed trauma and inner conflicts are going to end up affecting them; they could be already and Im just oblivious to it.”

This is so perceptive of you! Don’t feel that you ‘should have’ looked into it already, though. You have to be in the right place at the right time for things to be processed.

Every year, week even, we change and are able to appreciate things differently. What was confusing and unhelpful last year can be enlightening this year, because you’ve learned and experienced things that help it make sense.

You are thinking about this now, because you’ve learned are ready now. You weren’t before.

Well done. The work is never done, by the way! We keep on learning, understanding ourselves and our loved ones in different ways, and managing our emotions differently. We grow! What’s urgent and spiky right now becomes a softer irritant with time. Pains we don’t even notice suddenly grab our attention.

That’s ok.

Yeah I think im just ready to think about it now. It just started to play on my mind a lot lately. I feel like I just generally accept things and move on because I always want everything to be okay, due to feeling this constantly as a child. I need to gain the true emotional intelligence to learn that it simply isn't how the world always works. My sister is on her own journey to doing that.

I look forward to a life of learning about myself and others, and growing my emotional skillet to support that along the way.

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words, I really do appreciate it. Its nice to feel seen in that way, it doesnt happen often. I have no doubt her childhood was worse than mine, and she has every right to feel this way. I know it isn't about me, I just hope whether she contacts me or not, that she is doing better in herself through her healing journey. I would always welcome her back. Thank you again ❤️

Honestly, OP, it’s clear why she doesn’t want contact — it’s just way too much. I grew up in this kind of household, too, but with two sisters, and none of us have the energy to deal much with one another in adulthood. We grew up and got away, and were/are very focused on our own separate lives. We weren’t able to protect one another, we just escaped, separately. It’s not that we don’t have a bond, but the bond is a matter of shared trauma none of us wants to think about.

If it’s a make or break thing and you know she wouldn’t answer, that changes things as sending doesn’t achieve anything other than making the non contact final. So nothing is really gained.

Unfortunately it sounds like if you want to keep even the small contact with her that you have, given how triggered she is by your having children, perhaps you should try to meet up with her without your kids?

Yes I was thinking a lot about this last night, and realised if im going to ever establish a relationship with her I think I need to keep my kids separate from our relationship to begin with. She does love my kids but I think she struggles seeing me as a mother and not just her sister, as such I would want to build the foundations of our new relationship with a focus on us two, if she would want a relationship. I will try with that when I feel the time is right and see how we go. Thank you for the advice, it confirmed what I was thinking, I appreciate it

I would forget it. just because your related by birth dosemt follow you will have a good relationship.
Lots of people don't see siblings.
Id concentrate on finding some friends