To contact my estranged sister?

[worldshottestmom]

Its gonna be a long one...

Me (28) and my sister (32) were extremely close growing up. We were raised in a highly volatile, abusive and neglectful household and she was like a second mother to me, protecting me from abuse on multiple occasions. Despite the bad parts, we had a genuinely lovely bond growing up and some really lovely, fun times together.

As we each moved out to do our own thing, the contact became lesser, which is fine as thats what happens in life and we were doing our own thing. While I was at uni she was struggling with an abusive relationship and I played a major role in getting her out of it. I was very supportive and we became closer again (mostly online due to distance).

When I returned home from uni, I made an effort to speak to her and do things together, at first she agreed, and we ended up working together and it felt like we had rebuilt a nice new adult relationship. I really enjoyed having her around, and I only really stayed in that job because it meant that I got to see her more. She does have depression, so often times she was quite moody and irritable but I took it on the chin as I didnt want to ostracise her for something that she couldn't control, even though it made me feel pretty down at times (though she's always been like this due to our childhood, so its understandable).

However, then I fell pregnant, and things just changed. She didnt speak to me for 2 weeks after I told her. She just said it was a lot for her to process.

After having my son, she didnt make much of an effort to contact me at all, and by this point it was already pretty minimal. She met my son at 2 weeks old, then kept cancelling planned meet ups after that.

Last January, she moved to a different area in the UK, and I have seen her once since. I had my second child when she was still living near to me, and despite me offering her to come over and meet her or do other things, she didnt meet my daughter until she was 19 months old (when she visited from her new location). This really upset me tbh and I always thought she would be there to support me through motherhood, and just be a supportive sister really.

I sometimes wonder if she may be jealous that I had children, or had them before her? Im not saying it's this but I find it strange that its since then she's been majorly off with me. She maintained from an early age that she did not want children.

Present day, I always message her on her birthday, Christmas, just randomly to see how she is, etc - she doesnt open the message for weeks and then leaves it on read. When we were working together she told me she does this when she can't be bothered speaking to people. Never thought I would become one of the people she hates speaking to.

A part of me feels it could be her depression that had caused her to be this way with me, but the last time I seen her she had all these things she was looking forward to doing, a brilliant new job, looked really well in herself, was showing photos from her being with friends and I was so happy for her and so proud of her for getting herself into such a good place. I know she still has depression; but it seems therapy and medication is enabling her to handle it well - of course, I can't know how it is affecting her deep down. We said we would meet up at hers next time and she can show me around where she lives. I contacted her a few weeks after her visit to mine to see when she would want to do this and said I was really looking forward to it - no response, didn't open the message.

Aibu to be hurt by this? I want to contact her but it feels as though she has gone NC with me and I dont know why. I dont think ive done anything wrong. I've always been on her side, even during times when I shouldn't have been, always supported her, responded quickly to her messages etc - I just really dont understand. I haven't been pushy with contact either, I don't message her every day. I've given her plenty of space, I just don't get why she can't respond to one message.

its bothering me because I feel really low and unsupported with a lot going on. I just want to talk to my sister but she just doesn't want me and it bloody hurts. I want to know that she's okay as well, i sometimes just lay here at night wondering what she's doing or if she's alright. I want to hear about her day and listen to her moan about work. Just anything, a relationship of some sort. I know i can't force contact, but i just feel so deeply sad and hurt and want to at least know what I've done wrong.

My thoughts on reasons why she doesn't want to contact me:

• her depression
• because I have kids
• I have a close relationship with our mum, and she doesnt (out of choice, she is unresponsive with her as well, but at least picks up the phone sometimes)
• i went to uni and she didnt, at the time it felt like she was a bit bitter about it, but still spoke to me
• ?????

My only issue is how on earth do I even reach out to her when she won't answer the damn phone or even open my messages. You know at my lowest point I was actually considering writing her a letter, but she won't give her address to anybody.

Yabu- don't contact her
Yanbu - contact her (but how?)

I appreciative this perspective a lot, thank you. I never understood her emotional exhaustion from being in that mother role as a child because I never had to do it, so I cant empathise, because I fundermentally cannot understand.

She actually left when I was 14 and at the time I felt abandoned by her because I had to continue to live with the abuse from my brother, but I was also glad for her that she was finally able to escape.

I know, I just dont understand if she doesnt want a relationship with my mum, why on earth would she want one with my dad. I've told him hes never going to meet my kids, or see me ever again. I've wondered if she feels shes reclaiming power over him by facing him again, or something like that. I couldn't.

I'm always going to be there for her if she wants a relationship, it just feels like its never going to happen and is headed in the wrong direction. I just hope we're both able to heal as we get older to be able to forge a better relationship. Thanks for your well wishes, I appreciate your post

Thanks, I think its just a sad situation all around really. She is deeply affected, I have no doubt about it. But im just hurt that part of her healing means excluding me from her life, when I want to have her there and be there for her, and have her be the there for me. The way it used to be. I can only hope I'm a part of her future

It sounds like a really difficult situation, OP.

If you are 28 years old now, and you were in an abusive relationship for 10 years from when you were 18, I guess that means you just very recently got out of that relationship? Feel the relief of being out of that relationship.
Focus on your sister later.

I understand that completely, and I wasnt trying to be judgemental per se, its just that she will never talk about said issue ever again. It will be a real issue, like her smoking at the window in a small bedroom with my 2 week old son in it. I could never try to speak to her about it, because she would just shut down and leave no matter how calmly I tried to address it. I get its because of her experience of the abuse but its just difficult to live with and navigate, especially in situations like this.

Thank you for this. It was really nice to read honestly, I guess I should do that. Its just that I'm facing tough times because of the split, nearly a year ago now. Its just times like this I really wish I had her to talk to. I wish I had her in my everyday life of course, but just especially now it hurts.

It was nearing on a year ago, and yeah I get thats how it must be for her, though it was nothing like our childhood. Thanks, I wish I did.

I don't really understand why a lot of posters are acting like siblings don't support eachother in relationships. Its a normal thing to do, that I have always done for her, as well. I'm not asking her to live my life for me or serve me in any way, just be someone to talk to at least. I suppose it's too much to ask.

Thanks for being so kind, it really is a delicate situation. She has never indicated that she doesn't want a relationship directly. When I did see her she was happy and chatty. That was last summer. I think her childhood was just harder than mine and she is still healing from it, in her own way, and me, my own.

I just feel that if I message her this she will just ignore it. I so want her to respond and just say something but I just get nothing. Im so glad that you and your sister have a nice relationship now, I really hope that can be me and my sister one day.

I will reach out to her, I just don't know when to do it. If she ignored me all the previous times, why would she respond now? I feel maybe in the future she would, but perhaps that's wishful thinking. I also think if I wait for her to come to me, ill be waiting a lifetime

That's awful, and I'm really sympathetic for your sister having to go through every single bit of that. It could be the case here too, but I cant know. I just feel that I have to feel guilty for living my life. Not that shes trying to make me feel that way of course, but no matter what I do I'm upsetting somebody. Its exhausting.
She didn't protect me from my mother because she didn't abuse us. She saw my father, the main abuser, more times last year than my mum. It just feels odd.

Yes she is in therapy and has been a lot since a teenager

Her whole childhood was all about you and you’re making your adulthood all about you too. Even in this post you mention having her be there for you two times.

Let her be. She’ll come back when she’s ready.

Supporting each other is normal but not without its limits. Having someone else lean on you is hard. Many people step back from supporting friends or family because it can be damaging to their own mental health. And all the advice on here is the same - protect your own mental health and only offer what you have to spare. Your sister may have had little to spare when you needed support. That’s sad for you both.

Also, (and sorry this sounds harsh) but you are very forgiving of your mother. She allowed your sister to step up and protect you because she was unable or unwilling to do it herself. I’m sure she was struggling but actually it isn’t okay really. Your sister was failed by your mother because your mother should have ensured your sister could just be a child. It’s a really tough situation because your mum was likely a victim too, but your sister did deserve to be protected. In many ways it is easier to deal with a parent who was awful because nobody expects you to forgive and forget. But the parent who allowed it was also a victim so the (now adult) child feels very conflicting emotions - they aren’t really allowed to just be angry at the (usually) mum for failing to protect them.

Was coming to say exactly this.
OP your DM didn't abuse you but 'allowed ' it to happen, she didn't step up, she didn't stop it happening. You were protected by your sister. It must be very difficult for her to see you and your DM happy and allowing your children to be with her when she didn't step up for you and your sister as children. I can fully understand why she would be upset by this and find it triggering.

I think this is important. If part of her healing requires that she keep her distance from triggering situations then YOU need to accept this and be happy she is healing. You need to give her the grace of space. She doesn’t owe you an explanation which will seemingly cause her huge stress. And she doesn’t have to be your someone to talk to which you have repeated loads. I suspect she clearly senses your needs and recognises that you need professional help for your own abusive relationship and you leaning on her would be counterproductive for your healing.

I think you need to come to terms with her choices and learn to tolerate the discomfort this brings you. You might well need professional help. I wonder if the breakdown in the bond with your partner after 10 years has left a gap that you are projecting on to her to fill ? When the reality is that you have never been alone and have always been in enmeshed dysfunctional emotional relationships (as a child with your DS as a proxy parent) and then straight into a dysfunctional relationship as a teenager with your DP.

Maybe its you that has a lot of healing to do from so many people in your life and to learn to be emotionally independent.

If you keep on the same pining after your sister rather than focusing on your own emotional wounds and growth you will be very hurt and end up in another abusive relationship.

No it really was not all about me, its quite audacious of you to say that to me based on reading this post alone. You have absolutely no idea. It was all about my brother. Because I said I want me and my sibling to support eachother im making it all about me? Its normal for siblings to support eachother, its normal within any relationship to support eachother. I've been there for her countless times, which i mentioned in the OP, so it really is not all about me.

People really will run with anything to attack others won't they

I can understand that entirely. I know i have said a lot I want us to be there for eachother, but that was more of a general statement in the sense of maybe being something we could work towards in the future. As mentioned in my OP, even just talking to her about anything, how her day is, what shes up to, would make me feel so much better. I worry about her a lot because she is barely in contact.

I understand i can't force her to be ok and want to talk and im not going to try. I was just moreso asking if anyone had some sort of suggestion on how I could navigate contact with her, but its pretty clear everyone thinks I should just leave her be, which is what im going to do. I just dont appreciate people making assumptions that our childhood was all about me, when it really wasn't. I was bottom of the pile in childhood once my dad had gone, because all focus was on my brother and his abusiveness, closely followed by mum focusing all her attention on getting my sister the help she needed (CAHMs and many other forms of support, moved her to a small specialist school because she didnt get on well in mainstream school). She absolutely deserved to have this attention and support. But I always pretended I was fine and used humour to cover my hurt. So my mum just assumed I was the normal kid who didnt need any help, when I really really did, and is still this way to this day tbh.

That’s a good insight into your role and experience in this dysfunctional enmeshed family - how you heal from that is your next step - it doesn’t have to define you for the rest of your life - and the people also hurt, damaged and caught up in this enmeshment are not the ones to comfort and heal you IME. That’s your journey alone. Gently a lot of people have sensed and noted your neediness for your sister in your posts and you have continued to not acknowledge this. I suspect she also senses this. Focus on yourself - your childhood wasn’t good - it wasnt a shared experience as everyone experienced it differently it isnt a competition ‘Top Trumps Trauma’ - ‘hurt people, hurt people’ - it’s very common for a family with childhood trauma to fall out / distance themselves as adults because it’s often too triggering an a new environment is required to address the emotional wounds and deficits inflicted.

You are at risk of repeating the intergenerational trauma for your own DC if you don’t intentionally focus inwards on your own healing instead of being preoccupied and looking outwards in a futile attempt to address your emotional needs in the wrong place. If you are not emotionally healed you cannot be fully emotionally available to your DCs. That’s all that matters now and should be the focus of your healing - looking and developing forwards for them not backwards.

Yeah I guess that's a good perspective from which to look at it. It just always felt she understood me better than anyone else, and me her because we just got it (about the upbringing and way we are now). I guess at this point in her life shes focused on her own healing and needs to do that independently from me which is something I need to respect.

I think people have interpreted me as being highly dependent on my sister and needy of her as if im constantly on at her to contact me. Im really not, I havent tried to contact her since wishing her a merry Christmas, and before that I went months without contacting her again. Im put off messaging her as she doesnt respond, which is why I don't other than on occassion. I just feel sad that I would like to have a relationship with her and people are just calling me needy because of that.

I think im just finding it hard to accept that her healing may involve never being in contact with me again, and I think im valid in feeling that, but if thats what she needs then thats what she needs and ill respect it. Its just hard because we were always very close so to go from that to this is devastating.

I have been working on my own healing, have been in therapy a number of times and waiting to go again (mostly about my abusive relationship). My DC have and always will be at the forefront of my priorities in every regard in life. It is because of them I gave myself a wake up call that the abuse I was experiencing was abuse, and how important it was for me and them to get out of it, which I did. And im proud of myself for doing that alone. I do definitely need to heal way more, after sleeping on it im thinking perhaps trying to forge relationships with my sister or anyone else may not be the best thing for me right now. Thank you for commenting, and I thank everyone for commenting, as there were some things here I really did need to hear. I appreciate it.

For what it’s worth I think it’s really lovely that you are trying so hard to understand your sister when you have so much going on yourself, it makes me even sadder for what you both experienced but also kind of hopeful in the love too.

Im just popping back on (sorry) in case it’s helpful to add thoughts about what might be going on with your sister visiting your Dad (which for obvious reasons you find difficult to understand). Obviously it’s a guess based on what you’ve said but sometimes people seek contact with an abusive parent for lots of reasons and none of them are about saying it’s OK.

Sometimes it’s almost a kind of trauma based repetitive compulsion to see if it might be different (a need for it to be different as a way of processing it, whereas someone less damaged or enmeshed by it would just say horrible person & walk away). sometimes it’s a desperate desire to get the parent/Dad they deserved (that’s why the death of an abusive parent can sometimes be weirdly hard, it’s the loss of the final chance of a parent coming good - even though again someone less traumatised would be able to know they’ll never come good). Sometimes it’s the (often hopeless) need for an apology. Sometimes it’s a need to see them now they’re weaker and can’t hurt them. Sometimes people hang on to the idea that they need to “forgive” them or make it right. I’m not saying any of those are what’s happening with your sister (or anyone else), I just thought it must be quite painful for you that she had visited him and yet there might be reasons for it. Just as she might not be able to be around your Mum because in a way she might have expected more from Mum (more protection) or that it conflicts the relationship too much that Mum was both caring but also not able or willing to protect.

You sound like you’re doing the very best you can and you should be very proud of getting out of a damaging relationship and not repeating the pattern. Apologies for length!

You poor thing as usual you are getting a hard time here but the fact is you are simply missing your sister and she has cut you off for no apparent reason - or ghosted you - and it’s hurting you enormously- especially since you actually supported her through various things.

I don’t think the reason she did this was anything to do with something you have done it’s about her and her own issues.

The majority of the time when people do things to others it’s about their own self and nothing to do with the actual person it affects

She protected and supported you for years. She didn’t get a proper childhood. She has nothing left now. You have made choices she doesn’t want to have to support.

She has seen her abuser as a vulnerable man, so that will have helped her put her fear of him to bed. Your mother didn’t protect her or you, she left that to your sister.

You’ve massively underestimated what your sister has been through and the fear she is left with- fear of having to look after someone else again, quite possibly at her expense. It was different when you were both trying to establish yourselves as independent. Now you’ve deliberately made yourself vulnerable to the things she struggled to escape from.

Please, I’m not criticising you and you’ve done nothing wrong. I’m just highlighting the kind of emotions she’s dealing with.

I’ve noticed that when people were close in childhood, within an abusive family, and the older child was protective of the younger child, there seems to be a pattern that the younger child estranges themselves in early adulthood from the protective child. I don’t know the explanation. It happened to me and I’ve noticed this in a few other situations.
From my experience, nothing will change, very very sadly. 😢
I can only think it’s a consequence of distorted sibling relationships. The older sibling played a parental role, so the younger child takes out some of their resentment of parents on their sibling.
Perhaps not relevant to OP’s situation?

I think you can contact her, by the way, I just think you have to be very clear that it’s for mutual fun not for support. No moaning about how hard it is with DC, that you don’t get to go out etc etc- I mean yes that’s how we usually feel, but on this occasion you need to work hard not to let that (perfectly understandable) side!

Please dont apologise for commenting again, I very much appreciate it! You have been quite insightful in all of this I am truly grateful. I did struggle to understand why she would want to see my dad to be honest, he was and is an alcoholic (since age 15, due to his own abusive upbringing) and they were drinking together, with the woman he was cheating on my mum with. I just found it really bizarre but tried to tell myself it was a part of her healing and I left it at that.

Now you've said your peace about why she might be wanting to see him, particularly over my mum makes a lot of sense. I do feel my sister was a lot more impacted by her childhood than I was (it has had harrowing effects, but for her it was always different). I did have these own thoughts about my dad at times, wondering if he would perhaps be different or wanted to try and make reparations for the damage that he caused. But he has done too many things, and too recently to show this will not be the case. However, I will not judge her for seeing him. More than anything I just worry about her actually being there with him in the same room.

Where my mum is concerned, I really truly understand why she may not want much of a relationship with her. Its weird, because before becoming a mother I was annoyed at my mum as well for being so passive in the abuse. The things I have had to witness will haunt me forever. She never apologised for it either, as much like my sister she is highly avoidant of any sort of confrontation. After becoming a mother, I weirdly understood why she was so passive. I think she failed massively to protect her children, and I could never do that to my own. But on an individual level, she had such a rubbish life up until that point and I think the abuse from my dad just kind of made her give up on everything for a while; like she had reached her limit of what she could tolerate. I chose to forgive her for her part in the harm caused to me. I completely understand why my sister could never do the same. Its also my view that life is so very short and sacred, and how much I would regret staying angry at my mum for this and living a life without her, when she was also a victim of his abuse. She tries hard to support me now and I feel that is in essence her apology, instead of words she is doing it with actions. I love my mum. I love my sister, too.

Sorry for such a long reply! I just feel like you really get it, you understand. It makes me feel safe speaking about it. I am now in a place where i think I need to just focus on my own healing from such fresh trauma, which is pretty much still ongoing my since my ex still finds ways to contact me relentlessly. I just want to ensure my children never experience anything like my childhood. I appreciate your kind and considerate words, truly. Thank you x