AIBU not to ask husband’s friend’s wife to be godparent?

[ForHeartyLemonWriter]

My husband (34M) and I (33F) had our first child in November, and we’re currently planning his christening, including choosing godparents.

We're Anglican so the usual approach is two godparents of the same gender and one of the other (although no strict limit).

My husband has a close group of friends he’s known since childhood, and they're all godparents to each other’s children. His friend group are all Catholic (they all went to school together), I'm only including this because I know choosing godparents is slightly different in Catholicism and that might be relevant to the dispute.

He’s chosen two of his male friends as godfathers. I’ve asked my best friend to be the godmother, and a very close male friend of mine to be another godfather, so four total. The other male friend of mine is a vicar.

The issue is that one of the men he’s chosen is married, and we haven’t asked his wife to be a godmother. There are a few reasons for that, but mainly it’s because I'm not actually friends with her. We get along perfectly well in group settings, but I don’t really know her, I've met her maybe half a dozen times total, and I don’t feel comfortable asking someone I don’t know well to take on something this meaningful.

She’s now very irritated, I think partly because there’s a bit of a tradition in their group of asking couples together to be godparents, and also because, since we’re already having four godparents, she feels it shouldn’t matter if there are five and she doesn't want to be left out of the ceremony.
My husband is asking me to give in and include her to keep the peace, but I feel quite strongly about not capitulating. To me, this isn’t just a random thing to do, it’s a significant role and it should mean something. Plus, the only reason we’ve gone beyond the traditional three is because I'd really like my friend Mike (the vicar) to be his godfather, he's helped me through a lot.

I'm really not sure what to do now, stick to my guns or just accept it and let her be the godmother?

Answering my own question, I can see it’s not a massive role. It’s about trying to influence their beliefs. I was asking because I wondered how involved a wife would need to be and what the impact would be on her. As it’s not much I’d say she’s got a bit of a cheek.

My bf is married to a good friend of dhs and we still didn’t ask her husband! For same reason as you we already had 4.

I’m Irish and Catholic and that’s the first I’ve ever heard of anyone choosing godparents based on who did what at a wedding.

Yanbu. I had 4 godparents, 2 were a couple (now divorced), the other 2 weren't. I think either way is fine but people shouldn't ask or expect to be a godparent, that's really bad manners.

I will have 4 god children by the end of the year.
My DP isn't god father to any of them.

Just out of curiosity is this woman planning to kill you and DP off to steal your child? Does she believe that by having a married couple as god parents she gets custody easier than a single god parent?

DP needs to man up tell her you have picked 2 friends each and she didn't make his cut. Simples!

My son had 6 godparents, all are couples. CofE.

The criteria was that of dependability; who would step up in the event of crisis. At that point I would’ve counted on all 6. Since then one has died. When the crisis did come, the widower and two others were there like a shot and have supported DS like rocks.

Ironically, it was my husbands best friend and his wife who have been nowhere to be seen.

So, in your case I think you should absolutely stick to your guns. A FOMO isn’t a godparent you could rely on past the photos at the font.

What an absolute loon. Please promise you wont agree to this OP.

Fgs she’s being a childish ratbag and no, you shouldn’t give in to her tantrum. FWIW, my eldest has 3 godmothers (0 godfathers) and thank god- no pun intended- that we didn’t lump in any of their husbands to be godparents by default because 2/3 of those marriages have since broken down and my family and I have no contact with those 2 husbands since.

Depends on how religious you are I suppose. We are communicant Anglicans and faith is important to us. My DDs each have two godmothers and a godfather following Anglican tradition. We asked people who are old friends and who we thought would pray for them and take an interest in them. They've all been wonderful. My FIL died recently and DD is at university several hours away and couldn't come home. One of her lovely godmothers lives about twenty miles from DD and she offered at once to collect DD for the day and offer a bit of home comfort and a hug. I was very grateful.
I have several goddaughters and I take an interest in them and pray for them regularly. Just posted a birthday present today for one goddaughter 😀

No YANBU - choose who you would like , my DS has 2 GP’s, not male close friends. I have 1 goddaughter - my DH was not asked to be her GP and that’s fine with us both

Id tell her he chose two close male friends and you chose your closest female friend.

She doesnt have to like it.

Or tell your husband he can have her but he has to lose his other friend and you pick.

Im Catholic with Irish roots and I’m aware of what the previous poster said about godparents.

Stick to your guns.

I never heard about couple being godparents, I mean for the same child.

Easy solution - tell her husband that due to his entitled wife's demands he is no longer being asked to be a godfather

Wow. Do people really behave like this in real,life or just internet hyperbole?

His wife is making the demand - can't believe that someone would be that entitled in real life either

I have five godchildren and my husband is a co-godparent to one of them. He has three other godchildren that I have no connection to at all. Stick to your guns.

My daughters’ again have 3 so two female, one male and I chose my two closest female friends and one of those I am friendly with and have socialised with her husband for years but did not ask him and has never been questioned. My husband’s choice for godfather, his partner who we are very friendly with was not asked either.

No you are not being unreasonable, the connection between you all is too weak.
Her connection to your husband is just through his friend & she has no connection to you.
If they split up it will probably be awkward to stay in touch with her.

This exact thing happened to me. I was the wife in question, it was my exH's friend's baby. For some reason they asked me to be GM but not my exH to be GF.
I wasn't close to either of them but said yes because at that point I wasn't thinking I would split up from my then H.

But we did split & it became awkward as they were very much his friends,not mine.
So I would say choose wisely & do not choose a spouse of a friend.

Me and DB only ever had 2 godparents each and we are Anglican. In fact 2 of them we barely see now and 1 moved away soon after we were christened (double christening).

This woman is nuts and as pp said it’s FOMO. Not very Christian behaviour to my mind.

Yanbu.

Your husband is very cheeky and unreasonable to suggest this.

As for his friends wife being irritated?
Batshit.
Unhinged.

I wouldn't want her husband either.
Do not tolerate this.

This is so odd to think you have to choose the spouse. I asked my cousins husband and not my cousin (as I had plenty of Christian women to choose from already but I don’t know many good Christian men except my brother who was the other godparent!)

YANBU

I can't imagine being upset that a woman I don't know well didn't pick me to be godparent to her child (even if my husband was asked). She's being overly sensitive.

It's weird isn't it. I'm not a godmother to anyone and neither is dh. I see being a godparent as a huge privilege but I'm not in the slightest bit bothered that nobody has asked me to be one.