AIBU not to ask husband’s friend’s wife to be godparent?

[ForHeartyLemonWriter]

My husband (34M) and I (33F) had our first child in November, and we’re currently planning his christening, including choosing godparents.

We're Anglican so the usual approach is two godparents of the same gender and one of the other (although no strict limit).

My husband has a close group of friends he’s known since childhood, and they're all godparents to each other’s children. His friend group are all Catholic (they all went to school together), I'm only including this because I know choosing godparents is slightly different in Catholicism and that might be relevant to the dispute.

He’s chosen two of his male friends as godfathers. I’ve asked my best friend to be the godmother, and a very close male friend of mine to be another godfather, so four total. The other male friend of mine is a vicar.

The issue is that one of the men he’s chosen is married, and we haven’t asked his wife to be a godmother. There are a few reasons for that, but mainly it’s because I'm not actually friends with her. We get along perfectly well in group settings, but I don’t really know her, I've met her maybe half a dozen times total, and I don’t feel comfortable asking someone I don’t know well to take on something this meaningful.

She’s now very irritated, I think partly because there’s a bit of a tradition in their group of asking couples together to be godparents, and also because, since we’re already having four godparents, she feels it shouldn’t matter if there are five and she doesn't want to be left out of the ceremony.
My husband is asking me to give in and include her to keep the peace, but I feel quite strongly about not capitulating. To me, this isn’t just a random thing to do, it’s a significant role and it should mean something. Plus, the only reason we’ve gone beyond the traditional three is because I'd really like my friend Mike (the vicar) to be his godfather, he's helped me through a lot.

I'm really not sure what to do now, stick to my guns or just accept it and let her be the godmother?

I guess there’s two potential angles here.

On the one hand, it sounds very entitled to push to become a godparent and almost like she thinks of it as a social prize.

On the other hand, she may know her husband well enough to know that it will be her that ends up doing the godparent stuff (birthdays etc) on his behalf and that may feel a bit galling if she is explicitly not a godparent.

I am a godmother to two separate children when dh wasn’t asked for either.

Stick to your guns. Its absolutely your decision who you choose.

Woman is batshit thinking she has the right to be annoyed she hasn't been chosen and think she can influence the decision. It would absolutely make me not change my approach.

Dont change your decisions to "keep the peace"; that's giving in to petulant demands. Your DH should have YOUR back, not this woman. He should be more interested in the peace of his household rather than giving in to her tantrum.

If by chance they divorced; then would you keep in contact with her or with her husband? If her husband is your link, then its him thats the GF.

She’s being ridiculous. That’s not how godparents are chosen IME (also Anglican) and you can’t demand to be chosen just because her husband has.

If it’s going to be an issue then maybe neither of them should be godparents.

No dont blink first. My kids have godparents that are not paired up even though they have partners/married.

Yes, stick to your guns. My DD also has not paired up GPs. It never occurred to me for a second that it should be any other way. You choose who is right for your child.

Her husband Is Godfather, she does not need to be Godmother its your choice. She just has FOMO and needs to get over it.

I am unofficial godmother to two girls - my ex-husband was officially supposed to be godfather to the first, but due to his behaviour that lead to our divorce, the parents decided not to choose him. I'm unofficial as I'm not going to stand up in the church and talk about the devil, because I don't believe 'he' exists.

There is no difference between me and what I do for the girls and what their 'official' godparents do - I just didn't go to the church service as we all agreed (and as I properly declined because I'm not a hypocrite). Can you offer her an unofficial role that has as much meaning? Couple godparents are not a 'thing'.

That said, I find it a bit wild that she's cross. Being any kind of guardian to a child that you are not a parent to is a privilege and not a right.

My godchildren have both single and married godparents. And those married godparents are just the husband not thewife

stick to your guns. You don’t ask to be a god parent you are asked to be one.

I would be advising dh to tell her tos top or her husband won’t be god parent either

I agree with you, that you don't have to have "couple godparents", you should be choosing the right individuals who may or may not be couples. I think it's particularly inappropriate that the wife isn't a friend and just expected to be asked because it was tradition in the group.

My son has two godparents who are a couple and both friends of both of us. My daughter has 3 and their partners aren't godparents. We tried to pick people who were always likely to be in our lives. We like those partners but if the couple split and we would only likely stay friends with the original friend, that was the basis of our decision not to include them as godparents.

But I think you've made it slightly awkward by going for four. If you'd stuck with the traditional three you could have used that as a reason.

Does your husband actually want her as godparent or is he just giving in for a quiet life?

She’s being very cheeky. To be asked to be a god parent is an honour and she’s not close enough to you to receive it. Plus, from her antics, I’m not sure she’s the right person to guide your child in their Christian upbringing!

I was raised catholic.

In my experience the dad chooses the godfather & the mum chooses the godmother. Very unusual to have more than 2 godparents in total.

The friend’s wife actually sounds nuts to expect to be a godparent.

Get one of the men you have chosen to make her an offer she can't refuse.

If she has to ask... the answer's no.

I loathe ‘keep the peace’. Aka roll over.

This is something meaningful to you, so stick to your guns.

My children don’t have godparents, but I have been to a LOT of Catholic christenings. I don’t ever remember seeing a couple as godparents. Each was chosen individually and had a close relationship with one or both parents. So, if it’s a thing to include the other half of a couple, I’ve never come across it. And even if it is a thing in some groups, you and your DH aren’t Catholics, so that in itself is a valid reason ignore this person’s ridiculous expectation.

Ridiculous woman - my DSIS who I am very close with has 2 DC, I was Godmother to the 1st along with 2 of her friends, and DH was Godfather to her 2nd along with 2 other friends of theirs. I’ve never heard of both people in a couple being a godparent ‘together’ nonsense. Added to the fact that your 4th is for very specific reasons I would say she’s bonkers and being extremely rude trying to make it about her.

What exactly do you believe the role of godparent to be? How could anyone do it in any meaningful way without the support of their spouse?

I haven't been to a christening in a long time, but in the days when in my circle all babies were christened, couples were always godparents jointly. (CofE)

I’m catholic and it’s not always the coupe. We did 2 godmothers and 1 god father for our daughter and didn’t ask their husbands. Some ask a couple but only if you’re close to both.

I really don't see the problem in her being "it" too. A lot of godparents never bother after the first year. Assuming yours all do, then as long as they're married, they'll be doing it as a couple, so I really don't see any issue with her being named as one, because she will effectively be doing the work of one, IF her husband is an involved godparent.

So if you ask her to keep the peace, what happens when the partners of the other 3 godparents make the same request?

Ask the people you have chosen. Not her.

Stick to your guns. 50% marriages end in divorce so any assumption that it's a couples thing is old fashioned nonsense.

I'm Catholic, so it seems crazy to me that you would have more than 2 - why? (Accept that you mention 3 is the norm in Anglican tradition).

So, wife is definitely being unreasonable, no question there.

For us, the norm is for first child it will be chief bridesmaid and best man, thereafter it is usually family (brothers, sisters, plus in-laws as applicable). Usually only if you run out of family do you move to friends. This is of course pretty traditional as it assumes that couples are married - not always the case now.

So on that basis, the idea that some very loose connection considers they should be godmother seems wild.

You've chosen so many Godparents, would you even notice one more? 🤣

Anyway YANBU.

As long as they're all proper Godparents and can be trusted to do Godparenty stuff, she can get involved without actually being one.

Why do they need the spouse to be involved?

She is being ridiculous. I am godmother to my friends DC (my husband is not). DH has two god children (I am not their godmother).

In my experience you choose your friends/family individually not as part of a couple.