AIBU not to ask husband’s friend’s wife to be godparent?

[ForHeartyLemonWriter]

My husband (34M) and I (33F) had our first child in November, and we’re currently planning his christening, including choosing godparents.

We're Anglican so the usual approach is two godparents of the same gender and one of the other (although no strict limit).

My husband has a close group of friends he’s known since childhood, and they're all godparents to each other’s children. His friend group are all Catholic (they all went to school together), I'm only including this because I know choosing godparents is slightly different in Catholicism and that might be relevant to the dispute.

He’s chosen two of his male friends as godfathers. I’ve asked my best friend to be the godmother, and a very close male friend of mine to be another godfather, so four total. The other male friend of mine is a vicar.

The issue is that one of the men he’s chosen is married, and we haven’t asked his wife to be a godmother. There are a few reasons for that, but mainly it’s because I'm not actually friends with her. We get along perfectly well in group settings, but I don’t really know her, I've met her maybe half a dozen times total, and I don’t feel comfortable asking someone I don’t know well to take on something this meaningful.

She’s now very irritated, I think partly because there’s a bit of a tradition in their group of asking couples together to be godparents, and also because, since we’re already having four godparents, she feels it shouldn’t matter if there are five and she doesn't want to be left out of the ceremony.
My husband is asking me to give in and include her to keep the peace, but I feel quite strongly about not capitulating. To me, this isn’t just a random thing to do, it’s a significant role and it should mean something. Plus, the only reason we’ve gone beyond the traditional three is because I'd really like my friend Mike (the vicar) to be his godfather, he's helped me through a lot.

I'm really not sure what to do now, stick to my guns or just accept it and let her be the godmother?

If youre going to take on responsibility for a child, you can hardly do it without the support and agreement of your spouse?

I’m also curious as to what you consider the role of godparent and how you think this can be done without any involvement from his wife?

And you both undertake the role with no involvement from the other?

That is pretty much the wider point

The demanding woman IS included

Maybe she just doesn't like yhe idea of an Anglican vicar being involved

Either way DH needs to tell her to step back, she is not the main character here

I'm a godparent. DH is not. We both knew that we would both be involved but that the ones was on me, not us

A godparent isn’t the same as a guardian, if that’s what you’re getting at @Plantbowl @Firesidechatter. A godparent isn’t supposed to take an interest in the child’s spiritual/religious education and upbringing - it shouldn’t require their spouse to get involved.

There is no need for her to be a Godmother; you and DH can choose who you like. In my experience, a good couple will behave as if both are Godparents (anyone else in Church still agrees to support the child), even though it's only one party who took the oath.

I think it's good to pick people from different parts of your life, as by default, your friends change, and who your DC will warm to in future years won't necessarily be your best friend now.

Historically, Godparents were those who could act in loco parentis if something happened to you & DH, but now you can nominate whoever you like for that worst-case scenario, e.g. sibling, cousin, and they don't need to be a godparent.

Stick to your guns. Catholics here and we had DH brother but not his wife (who we love/ respect and know well) and a friend but not her DH.

I am a godparent of 2 and DH also, none of the children involved have both of us as godparents. We were chosen as individuals not as a package.

My godfather was my father’s best friend. My godmother is my mother’s sister. My godfathers wife supported his role as my godparent and always made it clear I was welcome with them; she didn’t need a title to do it.

Godparents dont take responsibility of the child. Its either staying involved with the child over the years and being a trusted adult, and if religious, help them understand the faith.

Id have though it obvious they meant god parent responsibility

Well this one wishes one and the op refusing then she can’t expect the same from her.

Oops, obviously I meant a godparent is supposed to take an interest in their religious upbringing! Must remember to proofread!

She can wish for one but that doesn’t mean OP is required to give her one, or is unreasonable to refuse to do so.

It doesn’t sound like OP does expect her to get involved.

Choosing God parents is exactly the same in the Catholic Church. Other that at least one has to be Catholic.

Did your DH originally want to have the wife included as a godmother?

If he didn’t carry on as planned. If he did then you should consider it as his wishes are just as important as yours and the way his friendship group does things is very much worth considering if it’s important to him (not solely because the woman is annoyed though - just if it’s what you’re DH actually wants).

one of mine has an extra GP in similar circumstances. It was what DH wanted, to reflect how things had been done with his friendship's group to that point, so I went with it as it was important to him.

I actually thought the role of godparents was to step in/take over if the parents died. Is that not the case?

Stick to your guns
My child has

• one couple who are really close friends from our church and we know both of them really well.
• my best friend from uni who's husband we don't know well because they hadn't been together that long when he was born.

Me and my husband are Godparents to a little girl from out church small group who's parents we both knew well by the time she was born. She has another Godmum who her parents know well through baby activities but her husband is not Godfather.

No, that’s guardians.

Many years ago there was an association with that, but not for a very long time. Siblings very often have different godparents so it would be chaos if that was expected.

Perhaps explain that in your family it's tradition just to ask one of a couple, so somebody's tradition has to be broken. (That's the "tradition" in my family - although in some cases the other half was asked for the next child.)

This lady is crazy, rude, entitled and has no boundaries.

How dare she? Nope, stick to your guns.

What else and where else will she try to insert herself over time? Set the boundary now.

I'd make it easy and sack off the husband too.

Your son will still have 2 godfathers and one godmother.
But none of the hassle!

I'd go along with it to keep the peace as I can't be bothered with fuss and it doesnt seem a big deal. Generally I'd also say the more godparents the better- I say that as someone with 7 in total though!

And godparent's responsibilities can be done without the spouse, they don’t need them on board for that.

What is the role of a godparent? I mean, I know people are god parents but as it mean quite a lot to you, I am wondering what your expectations of a god parent are. I don’t have god parents and neither do my children.