How stressful is it being an executor of a will?

[Greengage1983]

A family member recently passed away and had named me and another relative as be executors of her will, because she thinks her own DC would argue if left to sort it out themselves. (I think we're talking low-level bickering and personality clashes rather than big arguments over who gets what...). However, the other executor has announced that he has changed his mind (the will was written some years ago), and wants to renounce the role, leaving just me (unless I renounce too). His reasons for renouncing are that he thinks the DC will argue anyway, whether or not we are involved, but if we are executors then we'll be the ones getting it in the neck, so we might as well leave them to it. A solicitor friend of mine also told me it's absolutely massive hassle and strongly advised me to renounce too. She basically made it sound like it would ruin my life for the next year and make me fall out with my whole family lol.

But I was thinking... the will is the will, so what exactly is there to argue about? And what involvement would the DC even have in the day-to-day business of the executors..? Isn't it a case of the executor just getting on with it, and then giving the DC and any other named beneficiaries their money at the end? Am I being hopelessly naive in thinking I could do it?? (Two of the DC couldn't make a cheese sandwich together without arguing, and one of them has been described as being able to start an argument in an empty room...)

Would be grateful for any experiences.

YABU - renounce
YANBU - accept the role

I'd employ a probate solicitor, speaking from experience. If the estate is large enough to require a lot of input from an executor, then it can handle rhe cost of outsourcing to a third party who knows what they're doing. Unless the executor is legally trained.
ETA: This is to say, quite stressful, even if all parties are working together and happy with the contents of the will. Just the basic admin itself is burdensome and stressful, particularly if the executor is grieving and having to carry on with family life and work at the same time.

This is to say, quite stressful, even if all parties are working together and happy with the contents of the will. Just the basic admin itself is burdensome and stressful, particularly if the executor is grieving and having to carry on with family life and work at the same time.

It's so interesting to me reading different viewpoints about being an executor and sorting things out for parents. Obviously if someone dies a long time before anyone was expecting it, or in particularly traumatic circumstances, or the deceased had an exceptionally strong bond with the person left behind, the grief and shock will be enormous, and that will affect the executor's ability to get on with the job. But when it's a death at the end of a very long life, possibly after a period of illness/frailty/lost capacity, the grief is likely to be tempered with relief.

Several people on this thread have talked about the work involved in being an executor as extremely tough and stressful. This makes me wonder whether they have little experience of dealing with this kind of thing from work or from their own lives. Obviously it's a lot harder if the deceased was disorganised or had very complicated finances, but in most cases where the estate comprises a house, its contents, some money at the bank and not much else, plus a few debts to be settled, sorting everything out should be easy, if the paperwork or online records are in order. However, I know not everybody finds this stuff straightforward. For some people, I suppose the very thought of having to fill in a form makes them extremely anxious.

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g I'm a joint executor at the moment, and it is fairly straightforward and unstressful, though some things are time-consuming (and don't get me started on NatWest and only being able to do things via app!) But, there is no IHT and there is no house to clear and sell, which I would think is the worst part.

A quick question - if you are the executor but not a beneficiary (or if a solicitor is the executor), who clears and sells the house? A solicitor wouldn't do that, would they? And it seems inappropriate for a friend to be burdened with that just because they are executor? So would it be family? (Unless there are no living relatives, I guess.)

As solicitors we can employ clearance firms to do it, they sell what they can at auction an knock it off their bill.

It would be cruel if a non-family executor did not to allow the deceased's children the chance to recover any of their own stuff in the house, and sentimental items, before a house is cleared.

I ended up having to deal with all my mum's stuff, after the executors all renounced. My brother and I went through it and gathered up the few things precious to us (my dad's paintings - he was an artist), my grandma's handwritten recipe book, photos and a few other things) then charity shopped or skipped the rest. Had someone else acting as executor just got the house cleared of those things, I'd have been devastated.

As far as probate was concerned, on that section I simply said there was nothing of any value, and that everything had been sent to charity shops or tipped. That was accepted with no problems.

Generally we only end up doing it when there are no family members, if everything has been left to charity we have to get anything the family want to keep valued and ask the charities if they can keep it.

Dealing with my mum's estate, unwillingly, has really opened my eyes to the many many pitfalls that people can fall into. I'm sure OP 's friend didn't consider that OP would be able to override any wishes of her children to collect and keep sentimental items or their own property that might remain in there family home.

I was only stuck with my mum's complex estate and debts because of one of those pitfalls that no-one tells you about. In trying to be proactive, I contacted her bank, so unwittingly intermeddled, and couldn't walk away. Which is what the solicitors I consulted would otherwise have recommended.

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0git wasn’t the paperwork that was difficult or stressful. It was having the responsibility of the house while trying to sell it. Especially being at a distance, the worry about maintenance, bills and security. The cost of getting there to make sure all is well, the time dealing with the estate agent and solicitors.
I had to tell the estate agent to stop giving me feedback on the house because there was nothing I could do.
All the questions from the buyers that I just couldn’t answer.
It took over a year for the sale to go through, it cost me thousands(no other money in the estate to cover it) and i wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g - personally, I found it all difficult and stressful partly because I am not a lawyer and also I hate admin, but mostly because when I was sole executor of my mother’s will, I was living on a different continent, which was what decided me to appoint a solicitor to do the work on my behalf in England (there were a lot of stocks and shares floating about, and I had no idea how to find them or what to do about them). Even then, and this was before COVID, it took a year to get everything over and done with.

My mum died 4 weeks ago and am joint with my brother. Although he doesn’t live in the uk and hasn’t got a clue so he’s reserving his rights.
If I wasn’t getting half a house at the end I wouldn’t do it. So..much…admin and calls etc! So much yo
learn in such a small space of time. Death is expensive and someone has to pay and they freeze the bank accounts, but can pay for the funeral if the bill is correct. Etc etc!