Parents of toddlers, how do you cope with this and how is it in any way enjoyable?!

[Tfortoddler]

DS 3.5 can be an absolute nightmare. I presume it’s normal? I don’t know. He’s not like it all the time and can be lovely. But if he’s in a bad frame of mind I just can’t do anything…

examples, trying to go to work and he won’t get dressed or get shoes on. What the actual fuck are you supposed to do? Yes I know pick up and carry to car etc but it’s not that easy when they’re thrashing around. I’ve done that once or twice and then worried for most of the day that my neighbours will report us for excessive noise as he’s literally screaming stop and get off as I wrestle him into the car

In the bath he will go absolutely mental if any water gets in his eyes. Sometimes it just happens even with the more careful hair wash. He screams and throws water out and hits me. Fucking awful.

won’t go to bed. Often I leave him to mess about in his room and tell him I will come up to tuck him in when he’s ready. This usually works and then we have some quiet time together when he’s calmed down. But it’s just constant.

Teeth. Depends on his mood. Sometimes will be negotiating with him for half an hour. Obviously can’t force a toothbrush in his mouth.

I am a single parent so these things probably feel heavier for me as I don’t really get a break. But honestly… I do not find parenting a toddler fun. How do you deal with it? I hate it

@VeterinaryCareAssistant I would consider that abuse, no?

This is what a lot of three year olds are like and it is hellish. There are some things you can do but they require a lot of planning and effort which can seem so overwhelming that it's not actually that helpful in the end - stuff like reward charts, starting getting ready earlier, making sure they don't get too tired or hungry before doing demanding things etc. The alternative is to wait it out - most children become a lot more reasonable by 4 or 5.

Solidarity. I have a hands on DH and it’s still soul destroying so absolutely hats off to you.

sometimes ‘being silly’ helps a bit and turning things into a game, but equally sometimes I end up properly yelling at her which I’m not proud of, but it is just so soul destroying trying so hard to do something as basic as leaving the house.

Try giving him choices, I can help you get dressed or you can dress yourself, which one?
You can brush your teeth or I can brush your teeth, pick one.
Ive been working in a nursery recently and this really seems to work

It is normal. It is also soul sapping and exhausting. It does pass! I found that the best way to cope with this stage was going out as much as possible - it all drove me much more mental in the house. But it does mean pushing through getting them ready, which I agree is a tough bit!

I'm sure it is harder as a single parent - as you say, you don't get a break. Is there anyway you can carve out some time to chill for you? Even a couple of hours a week where e.g. you've finished work early but he's still at nursery could make a real difference- but I do think it needs to be regular enough that it's something you can look forward to and rely on.

Sadly these things were normal behaviour for my children and grandchildren too.! I have no answers but lots of sympathy

On this one though -

Teeth. Depends on his mood. Sometimes will be negotiating with him for half an hour. Obviously can’t force a toothbrush in his mouth.

You can - I have and would! You won't actually do a great clean that way, but it's ok to have some things as absolute non-negotiables, and for that to include teeth.

You would be correct.

It has also been proven that physical chastisement, in addition to causing emotional harm, does not actually lead to an improvement in behaviour. So abusive and pointless.

OP, all the behaviours you are describing are developmentally normal. It's really hard, but you just have to keep reminding yourself it's a relatively short time out of your life and it will get easier.

I found the book "how to talk so little kids will listen" helpful for giving me a toolkit to try in these situations, but it's all so exhausting. Sometimes, you've just not got the energy! I do recommend it for ideas, though.

I have a husband, so we also do "bait and switch" (swap in when the other pairing is descending into cross). When we're alone, then I have to do a lot more letting the tantrum kick off, and walk away til she is ready to listen again. However, that is incredibly time consuming, itself.

For getting dressed, I've had to change the clothes I buy. She likes bright colours with clear pictures on, and often won't anything else (her Nursery must think I'm mad for sending her in wearing expensive Frugi and Kite stuff, but she won't get dressed in anything else!)

I've also become more aware that a lot of the faff and stalling behaviour is a way to get more of my attention and avoid going to preschool. My daughter is desperate to spend more time with me than she gets. Keeping that in mind helps me stay sympathetic and warm, and calm enough to help her stay calm, at least most of the time. Though- far from perfect here and I don't have the relentlessness of doing it solo.

I'd hope you're not a veterinary care assistant if this is how you'd treat children 🙄🙄 assuming that was a wind up post. But op, this is normal, and it does pass, as shit as that is advice wise, I honestly thought it would never pass but now I have a 7 year old who happily does his own teeth, dresses himself, washes his hair no problem (and he absolutely hated water getting anywhere on his face for years) and bedtime is now a non issue and has been since he was about 5. It does get better just hang in there

I really hope you're joking.

If my 3 yr old isn't putting shoes on or doing teeth I give her YouTube kids on my phone, do it for her then say it's done now and turn it off. Most of the time I don't need to I'll just say 'quick shoes so we can get to the park' and she'll do it.
Hair washing my two hold a flannel over their eyes while I am washing hair and I have a towel handy.

No direct advice except for deciding what your non-negotiables are and not being afraid to take yourself out of the situation for a bit of a breather, as long as the child is safe

However the most useful pieces of advice that I had were 1) to pretend to yourself that you’re doing a particularly onerous and horrible part of your job that you have to do and just have to get on with, and 2) to pretend you’re watching someone else do it, almost like narrating it in the third person, and thinking to yourself what advice and support would you give the person involved. Sorry, that was really badly expressed but I used to find both those techniques helped me to feel less frustrated and failing

It does get better!

As for getting to the car in the morning let him keep one super special toy that lives in the car and that he can play with on the way.he will happily rush out in the morning to get to this treat.

I had this daily for years with my now 14yo. We had to hide his school uniform round the house until he was about 7/8, he seemed happy to get dressed if there was a hide & seek / see how quickly you can get dressed / race agains mummy element. He still hates getting ready for anything within the specified timeframe. His sister (11 now) gets herself up, dressed, breakfasted and teeth cleaned all by herself, every morning, without being asked, and has done for several years. Some of them are just wired differently. Try and find a way to make it fun for both of you, if you can, it’s hard. I feel your pain.

What has smacking a child got to do with my job?

Teeth you absolutely can enforce. My daughter had someone in her first school whose parents never forced her when she fought back. All her baby teeth went black and she had loads of issues when her adult ones started coming through, poor kid. In regards to mine there are plenty of YouTube songs that you can use to tempt them or sing a nursery rhyme and see if they can brush them clean before you finish it.

In regards to the other bits getting out of the door turns into a game. For example "can you get your shoes on before I've counted to ten" or "can you be the winner winner chicken dinner against mummy putting hers on" tended to work for us.

Also reward charts and let them choose the reward. Honestly you don't need to do it for long for the habit to kick in. Mine chose things like a swim in the weekend with daddy or a specific park visit. Nothing big or expensive but something that appeals to their egocentric nature.

We use googles in the bath for the kids.

Good advice, I always used the choices technique.
Getting dressed, 'do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red one'...for eg.
That often worked. Youngsters feel more in control if they have had the chance to decide for themselves.

Yep, it's normal. How you get through it, is you keep fantasising about the time in about 6-12 months time when he'll (most of the time, fingers crossed) be much easier to deal with. It feels like an eternity now, but at the same time it'll flash by (again, fingers crossed!)

I tried that with my eldest, Her response was usually, "None. I don't want to get dressed".

Maybe boys are easier to manipulate at that age. If that failed, bribery was a good backup.😏

It is so draining at that age. I feel for you as a single parent. I had some success with making things more of a game involving a toy. I would make the toy (usually on of the teddies) ask DD if they could help DD get dressed. Or play dressing teddy at the same time. We even got the toys a cheap toothbrush so DD could brush the toy's teeth while I did hers. Very tedious but did help a bit.

are you me? This is my son!
I found apiderman electric toothbrush worked and I cuddle him in my bed and blow dry him to sleep with a hair dryer every night as he follows me if I try to leave him before he’s asleep. ‘Bad habit’ for sure but it works better for me than sitting on the floor next to his little bed