AIBU to think a good involved father is better?

[RunAwayWithMeeee]

I've come across something recently and I’m interested in other people’s perspectives.

I follow a single dad on social media who seems very involved 50/50 care (not court ordered), Good father, holidays, days out, clearly a big presence in his child’s life. It made me feel quite sad about my own situation, as my children’s dad hasn’t seen them in 3 years.

But when I mentioned this, I was surprised by how many women said they would actually prefer an absent father over an involved one like that.

Just to be clear I’m not talking about abusive or unsafe situations, as that’s obviously completely different. I mean genuinely good, loving, consistent dads. The reasons they gave weren't related to safety and was more about not wanting to miss out on time with their children. Obviously absent is better than abusive but that’s not what we are talking about here.

I think I’m struggling to understand it because my instinct is that a positive, present parent is a best for a child, however you may feel about not wanting to spend time away from them.

Is it more about the realities of co-parenting that can come with having an ex in your life?
I do wonder whether sometimes, after a breakup, some people quietly hope for no involvement from their ex because it feels emotionally or practically easier even if the parent themselves is a good one?

I’ll be honest, part of me also wonders whether wider expectations or assumptions around fathers can be quite negative, and whether that affects how involvement is perceived but I’m open to being wrong on that.

Just genuinely interested in how others see it.

I was happier not having my ex involved because the breakdown of our marriage was not my choice and I would have been devastated to have lost time with my DD. I also hate the double standards around single parenting. I took my DD swimming/on holiday/put a roof over her head and food on the table - whatever. Single dad does it? Fucking champion of champions.

That’s interesting, thanks for your comment I do think a lot of women would rather an absent father for their children even if he was a good father, more than would admit. So thanks for being honest.

I haven’t had experience of this, but I imagine when you break up from a family unit it can feel quite lonely. The weekends you used to spend going out as a fun family might feel empty on your own, imagining your child having fun without you and possibly another adult (ex’s partner) could feel hurtful if you were in your own. Friends might be doing their own family things on the weekend, so it could feel like you have nobody, especially if you don’t like your own company. Most would like their child to be happy, but it could be hard thinking their child was happy without them. It could be construed as irrational and selfish, but aren’t we all a little bit?

That’s not my experience at all. I know a lot of single mums at breaking point caring 24/7 for small kids while also working and providing. They’re desperate for a proper break and would love to be able to send their kids away for even a night or two every other weekend.

In virtually all of the cases the man has left ‘because he can’t cope with family life’ type reasons, before settling down and creating a second family with a new woman.

Some people do feel this way see previous comments

I think an involved Dad is a good thing.

But I would be sceptical about one who posts on Social media about how involved he is in his DC's lives. It sounds performative. I would have respect for a Dad who got on with concentrating on his DC without feeling the need to advertise the fact.

It’s just a content creator so it’s basically his job! Mum also has a SM page

You'd have to be incredibly selfish to actively want your children to be abandoned by their father rarely than cared for by him.

Sadly some people are. I honestly don’t get it. Donors are an option then you don’t have to ‘share’

I think your friends are likely choosing to focus on the positives of their situations. If their exes are not involved then what can they do but crack on and focus on the advantages of that? Because what's really sad is that men get to choose don't they?
They pick what they fancy from 50/50 to nothing at all, and women deal with what they decide. And I don't think some women saying (perhaps truthfully, possibly whistling in the dark) they wouldn't want 50/50 has the slightest impact on whether men deign to do 50/50 or not. They do as they choose.

Absolutely.

None of the women the OP speaks about are putting their DC first.

These were not friends.. and it wasnt to make me feel better

Oh and it doesn’t have to be 50/50 theres lots in between they said they’d rather be in my situation with an absent ex one said “I’d rather have my children 100%of the time” that isnt the only option, not that they wouldn’t want 50/50 but 100% of the time means no involvement

I suspect in a lot of cases the women think the fathers weren’t doing anything like 50:50 when they were together and so doubt their ability to step up when they are co-parenting but no longer together. I’m not in that situation but I imagine if you’re having to do “50:50” based on where the kids sleep but actually still doing 70-90% of the boring child-related bits (keeping track of appointments, play dates, schoolwork/homework/revision) and 100% of the running a household bits plus new negotiating co-parenting bits it feels like it would be simpler (even if not easier) to do it all yourself.

My friend does 50/50 but would prefer 90/10, it's great for her kids as their dad is loving and brill but she gets very lonely and misses them. It's definitely best for her kids though

There's a lot of studies about how much dads matter, and how it can really affect both boys and girls negatively if they don't have good role models that are both male and female.
Sadly some adults act like kids, as in always putting themselves first.

Its hard to comment really because they know the dads best I suppose. There can be all sorts of reasons that fall short of abuse that would make a woman think her DC would be better off 100% of the time with her.
Unless they were actively working to that by nefarious means, lying about the dad, refusing contact, then I wouldn't judge them. I think if you've split up with someone it's not uncommon to see their flaws and consider yourself the better option.
Also quite natural to miss your DC. I imagine it must be very painful to have to share Christmas for example, especially when they're small.
If they're not obstructing contact, sharing their private thoughts isn't too bad, is it?

Some of it is control. If you don’t agree on something then what?

mums are usually primary parent by default. That’s how our society works. Many mums expect their decisions to be the default, and they don’t want or need a 50:50 Coparent challenging them over which school, whether they’re vaccinated, if they should play rugby or football.

i don’t think it’s unusual for mums to not want 50:50. It’s easier to be the primary parent and have the other lighten the load- 50:50 is just more work for everyone.

divorce is just shit.

We are not just talking about 50/50 it’s that many women would prefer there exes werent involved at all

Add to that 50:50 is also really only possible if you can split finances to provide two family homes in the same area so both parents can do school runs, hobbies etc.

it’s pretty rare for a couple to be in that financial position.

I wouldn’t particularly want my ex husband involved given the choice. I just honestly believe he brings nothing to their lives. He didn’t in the few months he lived with the youngest and has even less to offer now he has no home and no job and no prospects. His appearances are few and far between and definitely performative. I’ve been left raising them 99.99% of the time since twins were babies

I agree dads do matter a lot, I think this is far more common than people want to admit. It’s not all or nothing but the fact is some women would rather no involvement

Yes I knew someone had an affair and moved her OM in.

she wanted the kids dad involved so he could take them when she wanted child free weekends, holidays, days out etc. otherwise she pretty much presented OM as the father figure- he’d go to parents evenings etc with her, she wouldn’t even tell dad.

i think a lot of it was so she could present her “happy family unit” and dad as not so involved, to justify being “right” in splitting up.

in fact one of the kids wanted to move in with dad for a’levels so he could go to a certain school. She absolutely refused. Said she wasn’t “paying to have her kids taken off her”, then started with the emotional blackmail on how she would miss him and it would be so hard for her.

eventually the kids pulled away from dad to avoid upsetting her and now as adults barely speak to him.

Well in which case I would have even less respect for him if he is using his DC to make money. It hardly makes him a caring father does it?
The poor children if both parents are milking their relationship with them.

I separated with the dad of my older two when they were 6 and 7. No animosity we’d just grown apart as we had been together since teens and were more like friends. He’s always been very involved. We have always shared special events and school holidays etc. Always attendied school events and parents evenings together. He’s one of my best friends and my partner and I are friends with him and his wife and we go out for meals together. I wouldn’t have it any other way. We’re all happy x