AIBU to think a good involved father is better?

[RunAwayWithMeeee]

I've come across something recently and I’m interested in other people’s perspectives.

I follow a single dad on social media who seems very involved 50/50 care (not court ordered), Good father, holidays, days out, clearly a big presence in his child’s life. It made me feel quite sad about my own situation, as my children’s dad hasn’t seen them in 3 years.

But when I mentioned this, I was surprised by how many women said they would actually prefer an absent father over an involved one like that.

Just to be clear I’m not talking about abusive or unsafe situations, as that’s obviously completely different. I mean genuinely good, loving, consistent dads. The reasons they gave weren't related to safety and was more about not wanting to miss out on time with their children. Obviously absent is better than abusive but that’s not what we are talking about here.

I think I’m struggling to understand it because my instinct is that a positive, present parent is a best for a child, however you may feel about not wanting to spend time away from them.

Is it more about the realities of co-parenting that can come with having an ex in your life?
I do wonder whether sometimes, after a breakup, some people quietly hope for no involvement from their ex because it feels emotionally or practically easier even if the parent themselves is a good one?

I’ll be honest, part of me also wonders whether wider expectations or assumptions around fathers can be quite negative, and whether that affects how involvement is perceived but I’m open to being wrong on that.

Just genuinely interested in how others see it.

Devastating for you but crucial for your children to maintain a strong and consistent relationship with their other equal parent.

Too many women put their needs before their children in these situations and deny their children of their other parent because they don’t want to share them as if they were some toy they own.

Put the children’s needs and feelings first, always.

My DC’s Dad is a better Dad to them now than he was when we split 5 years ago. At 3, he’d only once put one of our DC to bed! He now sees them every other weekend for overnights, plus one day during the week he picks them up from school and brings them back for bedtime.

I love it when our DC go to him; they have a wonderful relationship with their Dad, plus it gives me time to myself, and I can have a social life. My only sadness is that it took me leaving the relationship for him to become a proper Dad. We could have been a lovely family if only he hadn’t chosen to completely opt out initially.

Obviously for my kids sake yes I want their dad's involved for my own selfish reasons there are lots of negatives like not seeing your kids Christmas morning is a big one, different parenting styles and rules, missing out on a big chunk of your kids lives.

Yeah, but he’s only the father. On MN, only mothers are the ‘proper’ parents.

Yes I do think some women would rather the dad wasn't involved because they dislike/resent him and would rather not have to deal with him. It's sad for the children. I think it's an understandable feeling after the breakdown of the relationship but ultimately it's selfish. Children need to be able to have a good loving relationship with both their parents, unless the father is abusive or unreliable.

I think resentment plays a big part, as well as wanting the father to go away if there is a new partner involved acting as “dad” like a poster touched on, it just shocked me that there was women out their envying my position, I’ve been left to deal with the trauma my kids face from being abandoned by the only other person in the world who is suppose to love you unconditionally.

I have both sides of this.

I have 50:50 with my ex and it works well for our kids. He’s a good dad- he doesn’t always do things how I would but I accept I don’t get to control everything. I would never have wanted anything other than 50:50.

My DP has been denied access to his children. His ex is angry and bitter at him for leaving her and using the children to hurt him. It’s incredibly sad to see his heart breaking. I don’t understand how a mother can use her children as weapons like this and it will, undoubtedly, cause them considerable trauma which will need to be unpicked as adults.

I think sometimes the reality and the fantasy are very different things.

I do understand the "uninvolved is better" because DS1's bio dad has not been in his life since he was about 2. He's now 17. And it was much better when he decided to fuck off and stay fucked off than when he was bobbing in and out of his life when he wanted to show him off to a new girlfriend and cancelling at short notice the rest of the time. That was horrendous and really unsettled DS1 constantly, poor child could barely make sense of it and of course he was so little it was hard to explain.

And from the perspective of being the only one who makes decisions about him that part is a dream, it's easy, I can do what I want, nobody has to agree, and I don't have anyone making absolutely enraging decisions that I have no control over.

OTOH I got married to someone else and DS2/3 have a very involved dad. Although I've had moments where I've been frustrated that DH makes different decisions to me, it's also been so much easier to have someone around to share things with. If we did ever split up, I can't imagine wanting him to disappear out of their lives. They get so much out of the relationship they have with him that I would want that to continue. And I'm certain he would too, so I think he'd be an involved 50/50 dad.

The thing is that these are totally different situations. DS1's dad was never an involved or interested dad, he has always been totally self-interested and not bothered about anyone else at all. Therefore his involvement in DS1's life even when we lived together was irritating because he only wanted to use him as an accessory for himself.

DS2/3's dad (DH) OTOH is not like that at all, from day 1 he's been as fascinated with and intrigued by our DC as I have been. We don't always have the exact same boundaries or values, but he loves them and he has their best interests at heart even if it looks different to what I would choose.

See I feel differently and I hate being the only one making decision, would love another parent to discuss things with rather than all the decisions on me but I know im probably alone on that 😂

We do 50:50. I miss my kids immeasurably when I’m not with them.. But, so does their Dad. I would not fight to take time with their Dad away from them. He’s responsible and involved, though. We do what we do for their benefit even though it’s hard for us (we are also acutely aware this is all harder for them to navigate than it is for us).

I can imagine I could feel very differently about 50:50 being the right setup if his relationship with them wasn’t as strong. I’d always want what I feel is best for them and if he was different, and not a good role model or I felt he couldn’t meet their needs, I am sure I would be pushing for having them more than 50% of the time.

It's nice to have someone to discuss things with as long as they are a generally reasonable person who you know has the child's interests at heart, but if they are argumentative on purpose or just have diametrically opposed views then it can be extremely frustrating.

Yes it’s a shame that some people cant put their kids first but it’s better if parents can discuss important issues and share views