AIBU to think a good involved father is better?

[RunAwayWithMeeee]

I've come across something recently and I’m interested in other people’s perspectives.

I follow a single dad on social media who seems very involved 50/50 care (not court ordered), Good father, holidays, days out, clearly a big presence in his child’s life. It made me feel quite sad about my own situation, as my children’s dad hasn’t seen them in 3 years.

But when I mentioned this, I was surprised by how many women said they would actually prefer an absent father over an involved one like that.

Just to be clear I’m not talking about abusive or unsafe situations, as that’s obviously completely different. I mean genuinely good, loving, consistent dads. The reasons they gave weren't related to safety and was more about not wanting to miss out on time with their children. Obviously absent is better than abusive but that’s not what we are talking about here.

I think I’m struggling to understand it because my instinct is that a positive, present parent is a best for a child, however you may feel about not wanting to spend time away from them.

Is it more about the realities of co-parenting that can come with having an ex in your life?
I do wonder whether sometimes, after a breakup, some people quietly hope for no involvement from their ex because it feels emotionally or practically easier even if the parent themselves is a good one?

I’ll be honest, part of me also wonders whether wider expectations or assumptions around fathers can be quite negative, and whether that affects how involvement is perceived but I’m open to being wrong on that.

Just genuinely interested in how others see it.

A lot of people do these days. It’s not unusual.

this is exactly how it should be, sounds perfect

You are surprised that a lot of women would be upset if they didn’t see their child 50% of the time? When my kids were tiny that would have been DEVASTATING to me.

I can understand if there’s tension in the relationship, or he lets the child down, if he is committed responsible father then he’s equally important to the child.
Your ex is a shit. I cannot imagine having no interest in seeing my children, fire couldn’t keep me away. He is a lowlife.

My dad was emotionally neglectful. I'm 40 and spending hundreds on therapy because of this 💐

I so wish he was involved.

I think your OP shows how low the bar is for men. Days out do not mean he is a good involved father. It’s whether he is involved in the hard bits and the daily slog that show that. So I’m not convinced he is a good involved father at all.

But in response to your general question then yes I think it’s better for the kids to have a good involved dad. Not a Disney dad. But a dad who actually parents. And we need to stop praising the Disney dads, dig a little deeper and praise praiseworthy behaviours. Like knowing their teachers names, doing their fair share of drop offs and pick ups, providing good healthy meals (not just the easy prepared stuff) and doing their fair share appointments and day to day care.

Im sorry thats really sad 😔. I’ve seen the damage it’s had on my own kids their father abandoning them.

He is not a Disney dad they have 50/50 which they have both confirmed.

And yes he cooks a lot for his child all healthy and homemade of course he doesn’t show appointments etc and the child is young so not school age. The child was sick recently and he was with his father the whole time, sorry to disappoint you.

I do wonder whether sometimes, after a breakup, some people quietly hope for no involvement from their ex because it feels emotionally or practically easier even if the parent themselves is a good one

Who do you know who would happily be a single parent 24/7 with no support/ no down time because they think that's easier than co parenting?

The people on this thread who have said that they would and the ones who said it on my other post

Who? Bar having a neglectful or abusive dad/ex ( which is exactly what you said in your OP?

I havnt see a post from anyone saying they'd rather their ( good parent ) ex not be a part of their children's lives because it's easier for them?

Then read the comments.

There’s plenty of women who don’t like spending time away from their kids and would rather the dads didnt have them, when I said I’d have happily done 50/50 someone said to me “then you wouldn’t get to see your kids everyday?!” If you don’t believe there are women that dont like spending time away from their kids and dont like their kids visiting their father because they get lonely without them im not going to prove it to you theres plenty of threads I’ve read on mumsnet from women who are distraught when their kids go to the exes for the weekend and say how lonely and depressed it makes them but as I don’t want to screen shot other people’s comments people on this thread have said they felt that way.

I would have loved nothing more than my son to have a healthy safe relationship with his dad. Unfortunately he is not safe around him and hasn't been allowed contact for 6 months and hopefully the courts won't permit him any access, it doesn't look like they will as all services have raised concerns and advised he is a danger as have the mothers of his other children.

Having a healthy male role model in childhood is so incredibly important, but its more important that my son isn't murdered or abused.

I do however have an incredible DH who is showing him what it is to be a good man and I'm currently in bed having some me time listening to him sing our sons to sleep. So for that I feel incredibly fortunate.

Being a single parent is an incredible amount of work, but for many women who have been married single mothers for years its actually easier. Most won't have ever left their children with their dad as they dont give a shit about their children or their wife.

I would rather an involved dad than a yoyo abusive dad ex number one developed a drug problem after we split and it was better that he was gone ex number two hung on abusing the children for ages I was glad when he got bored sadly the damage he caused is immense and resonates to this day he still has a photo of the kids when they were 8/4 on his Facebook it was stolen off me ten years ago and because he hasnt really bothered with them since he literally hasnt got anything recent I find it quiet sad that he had all the potential to be a father and wasted it with his hatred of me his last text exchange was berating me because the kids wont prioritise seeing him and he said tell them merry Christmas and hasnt been in touch since...really wanted to reconnect with them didn't he

it’s probably one of those things where you do not want what you’ve got.

uninvolved dad- you wish he was.
50:50 involved dad- you wish he was less involved as you don’t like being away from your kids that much and it’s easier not having to manage someone else’s opinions and input. No CM - it has to be harder trying to work around 50:50.

i’d say for most women the ideal is eow. Bills are there regardless and the CM is useful. You get a break now and again, but can still maintain a close relationship with your kids and have a good routine.

i’d guess most women who don’t want dad involved at all (not including child protection) have the luxury of family support. My friend preferred her ex stayed away because she just didn’t like him, but she had her retired parents close by for childcare and babysitting whenever she needed.

I think it's a very difficult one. There are times when I've wished that ex would just disappear from DS life, as it feels it would be better for him in the long run.

My preference of course would be for him to have an involved father who took an equal role in caring for him.

Instead he has a father who is occasionally loving and involved. But at many other times is absent, or present but borderline neglectful and potentially exposing DS to dangerous situations.

Very few people in my life would know this though and I may come across as one of those mums who just wants DS with me all the time. When in reality I'm juggling a constant risk assessment of supporting my child to maintain some sort of relationship with his dad when ex is capable of managing this, whilst also ensuring he stays safe.

This is a real thing and is affecting a dad I know personally. Yes the mother involved is wrong to cut children off from a good dad and she is acting "bitter".
But I can see how someone can totally lose the plot when the family you dreamed of falls apart because your husband doesn't want you anymore.

@RunAwayWithMeeee I’m not disappointed at all. I was not really addressing my comments about the person you referred to in your post but just the notion that society has that he must be a good involved dad if he takes his kids on days out and how that really isn’t enough and is not how we should be judging fathers.

I know plenty of 50-50 families where mum does all the appointments, buys all the clothes, organises all the extra curricular activities and provides good nutritious meals whereas dad does the bare minimum. I do not consider that 50-50 care. And when we as a society simply focus on the fact that men have 50-50 and take their kids on days out which they post all over social media then we are holding men to a lower standard. I can also see why women are reluctant for their exes to have 50-50 in many cases. Why wants to have to send their DC off to be treated with benign neglect?

Do you not think that the father of your child would be equally devastated at the thought of not seeing his child 50% of the time?

Yes, it is far better for the child to have a good father who is there for them and they spend time with.

This is such a selfish outlook. All I’m seeing for this reply is how you feel and how you didn’t want to give up time with your daughter. There is literally no thought about how it’s healthy and important for your daughter to maintain a solid relationship with her father or the fact that you’re both her equal parents and both deserve to spend time with her.

You speak about sharing your child and giving up time with her as if you’re a spoilt child being asked to share their favourite toy.

Your daughter is a human being not an object you own.

You don’t get to decide that your daughter shouldn’t see her father because the break down of your marriage wasn’t your choice. Separate your relationship with him to her relationship with him. They are two different things and you shouldn’t let your feelings about your marriage and its breakdown imprint on your daughter’s relationship with her father.

Its so sad and frustrating to see so many replies from women on here saying how they would prefer their child(rens) father not to be involved because it would mean they don’t want to sacrifice spending as much time with them or because they’re mad at how the relationship ended.

It’s such a selfish outlook to deny your child of their other equal parent just because of your own selfish feelings about not wanting to “share” them. These children are not objects that you own they are human beings who deserve a solid and consistent relationship with both of their parents.

As for being angry at their father because of how the relationship ended, you need to separate your relationship with him to their relationship with him. People who are shitty partners aren’t automatically shitty parents and unless there’s abuse or neglect happening you don’t get to play God and withhold a parent from their children because of how you feel about them.

I'd agree with that. A co-parent who drifts in and out of your childrens' lives is awful. My ex and I started off with 50:50 but it didn't last very long as it was just too unreliable. A few years later my ex got stable enough where we were working towards resuming 50:50 and that was fantastic for all involved, our DCs particularly. Sadly that all fell apart again and we ended up back in the situation where contact was unreliable and the impact on my DCs was considerable.

I don't think 50:50 works in all situations but given the right circumstances, and the right relationship between the parents, I think it's definitely worth a try. But whether it's 50:50, or EOW, or whatever, what really damages children is unreliability.